Elderly Jokes — best jokes

What was the last thing a blonde heard before dying of old age?
→ "Today children, we will learn our ABC's"

A 92-year old woman had a full cardiac arrest at home and was rushed to the hospital. After about thirty minutes of unsuccessful resuscitation attempts the old lady was pronounced dead. The doctor went to tell the lady's 78-year old daughter (who wasn't blonde any longer, but just had to be at one time) that her mother didn't make it.

"Didn't make it? Where could they be? She left in the ambulance forty-five minutes ago!" the former blonde asked.

Why does the monster act wild and crazy on his birthday?
→ He's trying to age disgracefully!

It was Grandpa Jones' 100th birthday and he was still in perfect health. At his birthday party he was asked how he managed to live so long and stay so fit.

He explained "I put my long life down to spending so much time out of doors. I've been in the open air, day after day, rain or shine, for the last 75th years."

"How do you manage to keep up such a rigorous fitness regime?" we asked.

"It's simple" he said. "When I married my wife 75 years ago, we both made solemn pledge on our wedding night. We agreed that whenever we ever had a fight, whoever was proved wrong would go outside and take long walk."

- Grandma, is it exciting being 99?

- It certainly is! If I wasn't 99 I'd be dead.

A little boy out riding his bicycle knocked down an old lady. She was a bit shaken, but got up, dusted herself off, then turned to the little boy and said,

'Don't you know how to ride a bike?'

'Yes,' he answered, 'but I don't know how to ring the bell yet'

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake?
→ She spent the night popping out of bed.

- Mrs Saggy: Mrs Wrinkly tried to have a facelift last week.

- Mrs Baggy: Tried to?

- Mrs Saggy: Yes, they couldn't find a crane strong enough to lift her face!

- Doctor: The best time to take a bath is before retiring.

- Patient: You mean I don't need another bath until I'm sixty-five?

"I've never flown before," said the nervous old lady to the pilot. "You will bring me down safely, won't you?"
"All I can say ma'am," said the pilot, "is that I've never left anyone up there yet!"