Elderly Jokes — best jokes

'Mum, there's a man at the door collecting for the Old Folk's Home. Shall I give him Grandma?'

Young Jimmy was having a snack after school with his Gran. 'Would you like another cookie?' she asked.

'Yes, please,' replied Jimmy.

'What good manners you have,' said his Gran. 'I do like to hear young people say "please" and "thank you".'

'I'll say them both if I can have a big piece of that cake,' replied Jimmy!

A little kid is sitting on a park bench eating a bag of chocolates. An old man walking by stops to say that if he continues to eat like that he won't live very long; indignantly the kid says, "Oh yeah, my grandfather lived to be 104 years old."

The old man replies, "I'm sure he did, kid, but it wasn't from eating all that chocolate."

"Oh no sir," says the kid, "it was by minding his own business!"

- Boy: Grandma, do you know how to croak.

- Grandma: No, I don't think so. Why?

- Boy: Because Daddy says he'll be a rich man when you do.

A boy sat on a train chewing gum and staring vacantly into space, when suddenly an old woman sitting opposite said, 'It's no good you talking to me, young man, I'm stone deaf!'

The train was about to pull out of the station. Swinging a large bag, a young man managed to reach the train, throw his bag in and climb aboard, gasping for air.

seeking at him, another man said, "Young man, you should be in better shape! At your age, I could catch the train by a gnat's whisker and still be fresh. Look at you, panting away."

The young man took a deep breath and said, "Pop, I missed this train at the last station."

A driver pulled up beside a rundown farmhouse. He got out and knocked at the door. A very old woman answered the door, and he asked her for directions to Des Moines.

"Don't know," the woman said.

He got back in his car and pulled away. Then he heard voices.

He looked in his rearview mirror and saw the woman and an equally old man waving for him to come back.

So he made a U-turn and drove up to them.

"This is my husband," the old woman said. "He doesn't know how to get to Des Moines either."

A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. It is the best and most expensive car in the world, and it runs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?"

The dude replies, "A 2001 Turbo BeepBeep. They cost $500,000."

"That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"

"Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly.

The old man asks, "Can I take a look inside?"

"Sure," replies the owner.

So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, alright!"

Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!

Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe three times as fast!

The guy wonders, "What on earth could be going faster than my Turbo BeepBeeP?" Then, ahead of him, he sees a dot coming toward him.

Whooooooooooosh! Goes by again! And, it almost looked like the old man on the moped! Couldn't be, thinks the guy. How could a moped outrun a Turbo BeepBeep? Again, he sees a dot in his rearview mirror!

WhoooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BbbbblaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.

The guy jumps out and discovers it is the old man! Of course, the moped and the old man are hurting for certain. The guy runs up to the dying old man and asks, "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"

The old man replies, "Yeah. Unhook my suspenders from the side-view mirror on your car!"

An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:

"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on page 438, and if it's any good, I'll send you a check."

In a short time he received the following reply: "Please send check. If it's any good, we'll send the engine."

This guy is walking with his friend. He says to this friend, "I'm a walking economy."

The friend replies, "How so?"

"My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!"