Dumb Jokes — best jokes

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice.

The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream sodas in front of them, they stare at each other for a long time, as the boy's nervousness builds.

He remembers his father's advice, and chooses the first topic.

He asks the girl: "Do you like spinach?" She says "No," and the silence returns.

After a few more uncomfortable minutes, the boy thinks of his father's suggestion and turns to the second item on the list. He asks, "Do you have a brother?" Again, the girl says "No" and there is silence once again.

The boy then plays his last card. He thinks of his father's advice and asks the girl the following question: "If you had a brother, would he like spinach?"

An old blacksmith relized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

The following are real conversations Directory Enquiries operators had with callers, as revealed in interviews with staff at the Cardiff DE Centre.

- Caller: I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff, please.

- Operator: I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?

- Caller: Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar but the B fell off.

Then there was the caller who asked for a knitwear company in Woven.

- Operator: Woven? Are you sure?

- Caller: Yes. That's what it says on the label - Woven in Scotland.

- Caller: I'd like the RSPCA please.

- Operator: Where are you calling from?

- Caller: The living room

- Caller: The water board please.

- Operator: Which department?

- Caller: Tap water.

- Operator: How are you spelling that?

- Caller: With letters.

- Caller: I'd like the number for a reverend in Cardiff, please.

- Operator: Do you have his name?

- Caller: No, but he has a dog named Ben.

- Caller: The Union of Shopkeepers and Alligators please.

- Operator: You mean the Amalgamated Union of Shopkeepers?

On another occasion, a man making heavy breathing sounds from a phone box told the worried operator: "I haven't got a pen so I'm steaming up the window to write the number on."

The job security quiz will help judge how long you'll end up at your current job and what will become of you.

The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...

• A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
• B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
• C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.

There's a cush job opening in the mail department, stuffing envelopes with free samples. It pays twice as much as your current position. What do you do?

• A. Meekly suggest to your boss that transferring you might improve the morale of everyone who's been working with you.
• B. Politely ask your boss for a transfer and offer to split the salary increase 50/50 with him.
• C. Barge into your bosses office and demand reassignment so that you, "Won't have to work under someone who should have retired before he became a laughingstock."

When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?

• A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
• B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
• C. Go over to your bosses house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.

Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?

• A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
• B. Blame someone else.
• C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."

When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...

• A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
• B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
• C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.

Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?

• A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
• B. Agree to do it, then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
• C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.

The boss accuses you of not keeping the office clean; you...

• A. Clean the office while he supervises.
• B. Tell him that you delegated the job, then fire the underling you supposedly gave the job to.
• C. Clean the office again, but this time, you use your boss' face.

Scoring this test
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other peoples feelings, you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.

Job Interview Quotations

Vice Presidents and personnel directors of the one hundred largest corporations were asked to describe their most unusual experience interviewing prospective employees.

• A job applicant challenged the interviewer to an arm wrestle.
• Interviewee wore a Walkman, explaining that she could listen to the interviewer and the music at the same time.
• Candidate fell and broke arm during interview.
• Candidate announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fies in the interviewers office.
• Candidate explained that her long-term goals was to replace the interviewer.
• Candidate said he never finished high school because he was kidnapped and kept in a closet in Mexico.
• Balding Candidate excused himself and returned to the office a few minutes later wearing a headpiece.
• Applicant said if he was hired he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Applicant interrupted interview to phone her therapist for advice on how to answer specific interview questions.
• Candidate brought large dog to interview.
• Applicant refused to sit down and insisted on being interviewed standing up.
• Candidate dozed off during interview.

The employers were also asked to list the "most unusual" questions that have been asked by job candidates.

• "What is it that you people do at this company?"
• "What is the company motto?"
• "Why aren't you in a more interesting business?"
• "What are the zodiac signs of all the board members?"
• "Why do you want references?"
• "Do I have to dress for the next interview?"
• "I know this is off the subject, but will you marry me?"
• "Will the company move my rock collection from California to Maryland?"
• "Will the company pay to relocate my horse?"
• "Does your health insurance cover pets?"
• "Would it be a problem if I'm angry most of the time?"
• "Does your company have a policy regarding concealed weapons?"
• "Do you think the company would be willing to lower my pay?"
• "Why am I here?"

Also included are a number of unusual statement made by candidates during the interview process.

• I have no difficulty in starting or holding my bowel movement.
• At times I have the strong urge to do something harmful or shocking.
• I feel uneasy indoors.
• Sometimes I feel like smashing things.
• Women should not be allowed to drink in cocktail bars.
• I think that Lincoln was greater than Washington.
• I get excited very easily.
• I am fascinated by fire.
• I like tall women.
• People are always watching me.
• If I get too much change in a store, I always give it back.
• I must admit that I am a pretty fair talker.
• I never get hungry.
• I know who is responsible for most of my troubles
• If the pay was right, I'd travel with the carnival.
• I would have been more successful if nobody would have snitched on me.
• I think I'm going to throw-up

10 Things Not to Say to a GirlFriend's Parents The First Time You Meet Them

1. My parole officer thinks Teri has a calming effect on me.
2. Did you see that saucer that flew over town yesterday?
3. Which one of you taught Monica to give such great head?
4. Can you believe it those shitheads at the corner market won't cash my welfare check!
5. We're going to keep our relationship quiet for now, my wife can be rather vindictive at times.
6. Those home pregnancy kits aren't very reliable in my opinion.
7. Angie is so pretty I've decided to give up being bisexual just for her.
8. Nice place you've got here, that painting looks expensive, I bet a nice home like this came with a safe already built in, didn't it?
9. There ain't nothing that beats that great feeling of knowing your HIV test results are negative! I bet Monica's will be okay too.
10. Can I put my car in your garage? I'm not sure how long that cop car will stay lost...

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car?
→ He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.

A Polak is hired to paint the lines on the road.

On the first day he paints ten miles, and his employers are amazed. But, the second day he painted just five, and on only the third day, he painted only a mile of the road.

Disappointed his boss asks what the problem was.

The Polak replies, "Well sir, every day I have to walk farther and farther to get back to the paint bucket."

There are three construction workers on top of a building having lunch. One Italian, one Polak, and one Oriental.

The Italian has a meatball hero, the Oriental has noodles, and the Polak has knockwurst. The Italian and the Oriental are tired of having the same lunches everyday. The Italian says that if he gets a meatball hero the next day that he will throw it off the building. The Oriental says that if he gets noodles tommorow he will also throw it off the building. The Polak says that if he gets knockwurst tommorow he will throw it off the building.

Sure enough the Italian and Oriental workers open their lunch-boxes and they find that they have a meatball hero and noodles respectively. They both throw their lunches off the building. The Polak then throws his sandwich off the building.

The other guys ask him how he knew that it was knockwurst again without even looking.

He responded by saying, "Because I pack my own lunch."