Dumb Jokes — best jokes

50 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator

1. Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
3. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"
4. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
5. Sell Girl Scout cookies.
6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
7. Shave.
8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"
9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.
10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper: "Noogie patrol coming!"
13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.
14. One word: Flatulence!
15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
16. Do Tai Chi exercises.
17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"
18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, not now, motion sickness!"
19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.
20. Meow occassionally.
21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
22. Frown and mutter "gotta go, gotta go" then sigh and say "oops!"
23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
24. Sing "Mary had a little lamb" while continually pushing buttons.
25. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.
26. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.
27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
28. Burp, and then say "mmmm...tasty!"
29. Leave a box between the doors.
30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
31. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.
32. Start a sing-along.
33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"
34. Play the harmonica.
35. Shadow box.
36. Say "Ding!" at each floor.
37. Lean against the button panel.
38. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
41. Bring a chair along.
42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger: "Wanna see wha in muh mouf?"
43. Blow spit bubbles.
44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
45. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."
46. Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
49. Stare at your thumb and say "I think it's getting larger."
50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil and holler "Bad touch!"

• Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
• Drum on every available surface.
• Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
• Staple papers in the middle of the page.
• Ask 800 operators for dates.
• Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copy warnings.
• Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
• Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
• Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
• Set alarms for random times.
• Buy large quantities of mint dental floss just to lick the flavor off.
• Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
• Honk and wave to strangers.
• Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
• Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
• Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
• Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complementary mints by the cash register.
• ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
• only type in lowercase.
• dont use any punctuation either.
• Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
• Pay for your dinner with pennies.
• Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
• Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
• Light road flares on a birthday cake.
• Wander around the restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
• Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
• Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
• At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
• As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
• Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
• Finish the 99 bottles of beer song.
• Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
• Drive half a block.
• Name your dog "Dog."
• Ask people what gender they are.
• Reply to everything someone says with "That's what YOU think."
• Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back in the tray.
• Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot".
• Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
• Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with a can of Lysol.
• Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad."
• While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
• Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
• Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
• Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
• Change your name to John Aaaaasmith for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each A.
• Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
• Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
• Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
• Wear a LOT of cologne.
• Ask to "interface" with someone.
• Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
• Sing along at the opera.
• Mow your lawn with scissors.
• At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batatatatatata- hWING-batter!"
• Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
• Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
• Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture".
• Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
• Scuff your feet on a dry, shaggy carpet and seek out victims.
• Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
• Never make eye contact.
• Never break eye contact.
• Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
• Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
• Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal Howard Cossell voice.
• Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
• Make appointments for the 31st of September.
• Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
• Send fifty copies of this list to everyone you know.

Four Independence boys, Pugh, Sumter, Kilby and Grayson, were walking down a Clay County road when they came to a high, solid brick wall. Wondering what was behind it, Pugh, Sumter and Kilby boosted Grayson so he could take a look. "Looks like one of them nudist camps," reported Grayson. "Men or women?" asked Pugh. "Can't tell," said Grayson. "They don't have no clothes on."

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

What goes VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH, VROOM, SCREECH?
→ A blonde going through a flashing red light.

Irishman went to a pet shop and asked how many budgies were in stock. "We have 99" replied the shop owner "Give us the lot" said the Irish man, paid for them and left. He went to a tailors shop and had 99 pockets sewn into a jacket, put a budgie in each pocket, went up to the Post Office Tower and jumped off. He hit the ground with an almighty smack and lay there groaning until a passer-by came and asked him what had happened. "I don't know sur" he replied "but that's the last time I try that budgie jumping"

After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

The local sheriff was looking for a deputy, so Gomer - who was not exactly the sharpest nail in the bucket went in to try out for the job.

"Okay," the sheriff drawled, "Gomer, what is 1 and 1?"

"11" he replied.

The sheriff thought to himself, "That's not what I meant, but he's right."

"What two days of the week start with the letter 'T'?"

"Today and tomorrow."

He was again surprised that Gomer supplied a correct answer that he had never thought of himself.

"Now Gomer, listen carefully: Who killed Abraham Lincoln?"

Gomer looked a little surprised himself, then thought really hard for a minute and finally admitted, "I don't know."

"Well, why don't you go home and work on that one for a while?"

So, Gomer wandered over to the pool hall where his pals were waiting to hear the results of the interview. Gomer was exultant.

"It went great! First day on the job and I'm already working on a murder case!"

First name: ...................
Last name (if known): .......................
Address (where you live):
Mother's name (list also relation, i.e., sister): ..................
Birthdate (yours): ....................
Father's name (if known, if not, list two possible choices): ..............

Color of neck: Light Red( ) Medium Red( ) Dark Red( ) No Neck( )
Year of pickup truck: ............
Do you have the following in your truck:
Fuzzy Dice( ) Gun Rack( ) Coon Tail( )
Filled ash tray( ) Used Condoms( )
Dead Road Kill( ) Dog of Unknown Breed( )

Have you ever been to a large city? (Like Little Rock) Yes( ) No( )
How far can you throw cow pies? ..........
Do you eat cow pies? Yes( ) No( )

Wife's name: .................. Is she: Cousin( ) Neighbor( ) Sister( ) Mother( ) Neighbor's dog( ) Right hand( )
Does your wife weigh: Less than 200 Pounds( ) Less than 300 Pounds( ) Less than a 747( ) More than a 747( )
Do you know what a 747 is? Yes( ) No( )
How much smarter than you is your wife: 50 IQ Points( ) 75 IQ Points( ) 100 IQ Points( ) She Won't Tell Me( )
Does your wife wear: A Dress( ) Pants( ) Hot Pants( ) Your Pants( ) Them Lawyer Clothes( ) Nothing( ) Nothing but an Arkansas U Hog Head Hat( )
Color of wife's hair: Blonde( ) Red( ) Brown( ) Black( ) Bald( )

Did you understand the previous questions: Yes( ) No( ) What does "previous" mean?( ) Huh?( ) All of the Above( )

Have you ever had (check all that apply): Herpes( ) Jock Rot( ) The Drip( ) Roids( ) Zits( ) Smelly Feet( ) Toe Jam( ) Bad Breath( ) Tit Munge( ) Ear Wax( ) Long Nasal Hairs( ) Brown Nose( )

Have you ever:
Castrated a Pig( ) Been Castrated by a Pig( )
Danced to Achey Breaky Heart( ) Had an Achey Breaky Heart( )
Been Mistaken for Elvis( ) Had Fantasies about Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Dorothy and Toto( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan( )
Had Fantasies about Gilligan and the Skipper Too( )
Inhaled( )

Where was your last Elvis sighting? ................ On what date? ...........
Can you count past five: Yes( ) No( ) Past ten: Yes( ) No( )
Explain in ten words or less why on Earth you want to be Governor of Arkansas:
Signature (or 'X' if you can't write) ................................