Dirty Jokes — best jokes

A man went to a doctor to have his penis enlarged. Well, this particular procedure involved splicing a baby elephant's trunk onto the man's penis.

Overjoyed, the man went out with his best girl to a very fancy restaurant. After cocktails, the man's penis crept out of his pants, felt around the table, grabbed a hard roll and quickly disappeared under the tablecloth.

The girl was startled and exclaimed:

- What was that?

Suddenly, the penis came back, took another hard roll and just as quickly disappeared.

The girl was silent for a moment, then finally said:

- I don't believe I saw what I think I just saw... Can you do that again?

With a bit of an uncomfortable smile the man replied:

- Honey, I'd like to, but I don't think my ass can take another hard roll!

A guy goes to the doctor with a mysterious pain and tells the doctor:

- Doctor, my penis has been burning lately.

And the doctor said reassuringly:

- Don't worry son, that just means someone is talking about it.

A fellow went to the doctor one day and said:

- Doc, I have a problem. My penis is red.

Doctor replied:

- Drop your pants, let me take a look. Ummm...yes, no problem, we can have you fixed up in no time, $40.

The fellow was impressed. Told his friend of the experience and that he hadn't been to a doctor for only $40 for quite a spell.

His friend said:

- Really? I have a similar problem. What doctor did you go to?

So his friend goes to the same doctor and tells him:

- Doc, George recommended you...you've got to help me. My penis is blue.

Doc asks to take a look.

- Ah yes... Ummm... Yep, we can take care of it, no problem, $400.

- FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? Wait a MINUTE! You took care of George for only $40.

- Yes, I did. But George's penis had lipstick on it. Yours has gangrene!

A woman went to her doctor for a follow-up visit after the doctor had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

- Doctor, the hormones you've been giving me have really helped, but I'm afraid that you're giving me too much. I've started growing hair in places that I've never grown hair before.

The doctor reassured her.

- A little hair growth is a perfectly normal side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?

- On my balls!

A woman was going to marry one of those guys that wanted a virgin.

Since she was not, she went to a doctor to reconstruct her hymen.

The doctor told her it would cost around $500, but there was another way that would cost only $50.

The woman agreed to try the cheap way, paid the money, and the doctor worked on her for several minutes.

After the "first night" of intimacy, the woman came back to the doctor and told him that it was perfect. The pain, the blood, everything was there. And she asked him how he did it.

- Simple... I tied your pubic hairs together!

A woman goes to the doctor and says:

- Doctor, I've got a bit of a problem. I'll have to take my clothes off to show you.

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.

- Well, what is it? - he asks.

- It's a bit embarrassing - she replies.

- These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks:

- Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?

The woman blushes and says:

- Well, actually I have.

- That's the problem - the doctor says.

- Tell him his earrings aren't made of gold!!!

Four nurses all decided to play a joke on the doctor they worked for, whom they all felt was an arrogant jerk. Later in the day, they all got together on break and discussed what they had done to the doctor.

The first nurse said:

- I stuffed cotton in his stethoscope so he couldn't hear.

The second nurse said:

- I let the mercury out of his thermometers and painted them all to read 106 degrees.

The third nurse said:

- Well, I did worse than that. I poked holes in all of the condoms that he keeps in his desk drawer.

The fourth nurse fainted.

A Soviet emigre boy and girl come to a doctor's office and say:

- Doctor, we would like to know if we are screwing properly. Will you watch us, please?

The doctor, somewhat puzzled, agrees, they climb on his table, the boy gets on top of the girl, and they have sex. After observing them, the doctor says:

- Yes, you're having sex properly. That will be forty dollars.

They come back the next day with the same request, but this time the boy enters the girl from the rear. They keep coming for four days in a row, using different positions every day.

On the fifth visit the doctor says:

- Why do you keep on coming back? I told you you're having sex properly.

The boy explains:

- The hotel room costs the same forty dollars, but this way we get reimbursed by Medicaid.

What happened to a Brighton Beach prostitute who had an appendectomy performed by a Soviet emigre surgeon?
→ He sewed up the wrong hole, so now she's making money on the side.

An anxious woman goes to her doctor.

- Doctor - she asks nervously.

- can you get pregnant from anal intercourse?

- Certainly - replies the doctor.

- Where do you think lawyers come from!