Dirty Jokes — best jokes

One day, a man walked into the dentist's office for some dental work.

The dentist said:

- Sir, you have a tooth I must pull, What type of pain killer would you like?

The man looked at the dentist and said:

- None, thanks, I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life.

The dentist said:

- Sir, pulling this tooth Will be painful, I suggest a painkiller.

The man looked back at the dentist and said:

- I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, Nothing else will ever compare.

The dentist said:

- Sir, I'm telling you, use a painkiller.

The man again said to the dentist:

- I have experienced the second greatest pain in my life, I do not need painkillers, now pull the tooth.

The dentist then said:

- Okay, You asked for it, But first, tell me what was the second greatest pain in your life?

The man said:

- Yes, I remember it well. I was hunting in some woods north of here one snowy day. Walking through the woods, the urge came upon me and I headed over to a tree. Well, I started to do my thing, and when the first part dropped, It set off a large bear trap that was hidden in the snow that closed on my balls. That was the second greatest pain in my life.

The dentist then said:

- Ouch! But then what was the first greatest pain in your life?

The man replied:

- When I reached the end of the chain.

A man went to the dentist to get his teeth checked.

While he was sitting in the chair being examined, the dentist said to him:

- Have you done oral sex lately?

The man replied:

- Why yes, I did this morning actually. How could you tell? Have you found a pubic hair stuck in my tooth?

The dentist says:

- No, not quite. You've got some shit on the end of your nose!

- Doctor, my husband tells me my pussy's too big. So I'd like you to tell me if you find it unusual.

- Please, take off your clothes and I'll have you examined.

- (shouting) What a giant pussy!! What a giant pussy!!

- (angry) Did you have to say it twice?!?

- I didn't! I didn't!

- Doctor, ya gotta help me. Every time I sneeze, I have an orgasm.

- Really! What are you taking for it?

- (with a grin) Black pepper!

- Doctor, you've gotta help me. I eat apples, apples later come out into the toilet. I eat bananas, bananas come out.

- That's easy. Eat shit!

A woman goes to a doctor with a problem. She's sat on the chair next to the doctor, and she's very hesitant about describing her problem. Eventually, the doctor manages to discover that she thinks she may be sexually perverted.

- What sort of perversion are you talking about? - asks the doctor.

- Well - said the woman.

- I like to be... Ohh... Ah... Ummm... I'm sorry doctor, but I'm too ashamed to talk about it.

- Come, come, my dear. I'm a doctor you know; I've been trained to understand these problems. So what's the matter...?

So the woman again tried to explain, but got so embarrassed that she just turned bright red and looked as though she might faint. It was then the doctor had a bright idea.

- Look - he said.

- I'm a bit of a pervert myself. So if you show me what your perversion is, I'll show you what mine is. Okay? Is it a deal?

The woman considered the offer and after a short while agreed that it was a fair request. So after a slight pause, she said:

- Well my perversion is... My perversion... Oh... I like to be kissed on the bottom!

- Shit, is that ALL! - said the doctor.

- Look, go behind that screen, take all your clothes off, and I'll come round and show you what MY perversion is! Hee Hee!

So the woman does as she is told and undresses behind the screen. She gets down on all fours thinking to herself:

- Hmmmm, perhaps he might kiss me on the bum.

Anyway, five minutes pass and nothing has happened. So the woman peers around the side of the screen to see the doctor sitting behind his desk, his feet up on the table, reading a newspaper and whistling to himself.

- Hey! - shouted the woman.

- I thought you said you were a pervert?

- Oh I am - said the doctor.

- I've just shit in your handbag!

True story: About a week ago, I broke my ankle (in three places) and was in the hospital for several days. My first night in the hospital, after having surgery to rejoin my bones with pins and plates and such, I was in a great deal of pain and quite immobile. My nurse for that first night was a very nice 50ish lady with a strong German accent.

At one point in the middle of the night, she came in to give me a shot of morphine. She asked where I would like the shot and I pointed to my right thigh. I slid my blankets down and she lifted my gown.

With my gown raised, she uttered the words:

- Okay, small prick

and proceeded with the injection.

I'm still not sure whether her words were meant to warn me of the upcoming pain or as an editorial comment.

A man comes to an Italian doctor because of sore throat. The doctor tells him to pull down his pants and to swing his genitals in the window.

- What does this have to do with my throat?

- Nothing, I just hate the neighbors!

A woman goes to the doctor complaining of bad knee pains. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor questions her:

- There must be something you're doing that you haven't told me. Can you think of anything that might be doing this to your knees?

- Well - she said a little sheepishly.

- my husband and I have sex doggy-style on the floor every night.

- That's got to be it - said the doctor.

- There are plenty of other positions and ways to have sex, you know.

- Not if you're going to watch T.V. there ain't - she replied.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.