Dirty Jokes — best jokes

On preparing to return home from an out of town trip, this man got a small puppy as a present for his son.

Not having time to get the paper work to take the puppy onboard, the man just hid the pup down the front of his pants and snunk him onboard the airplane.. About 30 minutes into the trip a stew noticed the man shaking and quivering.

'Are you OK, sir?' asked the stew?

'Yes, I'm fine.' said the man.

Sometime later the stew noticed the man moaning, and shaking again..

'Are you sure you're alright sir?'

'Yes.' said the man, 'but I have a confession to make. I didn't have time to get the paperwork to bring a puppy onboard, so I hid him down the front of my pants.'

'Whats wrong?' asked the stew, 'Is he not house broken?'

'No, that's not the problem. The problem is he's not weaned yet!'

There were two guys walking down the street and they saw a dog licking his nuts.

One of the guys said. "Man I wish I could do that".

Then the other guy said, "Man that dog will bite you!"

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend: "I know this midget with a speech impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see thea her mouth?" So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?"

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"Ok, what about the earsth?"

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat," said the midget.

With that, the owner picked up the midget and shoved his head up the horse's twat, then pulled him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says, "perhapth I should rephrase.

I'd like to see her run!"

Did you hear about the guy that entered his dog at Crufts?
→ He got 16 months.

There were two bulls, a young one named George and an old one named Sam.

It was that time of year to satisfy the local female population, and young George was pretty excited.

"Sam, Sam, can I go down to those heifers over there?" asked George.

"George, relax. Here is how it works. We'll wait until they're lined up at the feed trough so we can have our way with the ladies in a nice orderly fashion." said Sam.

"Okay, I can do that." George answered. Well, feeding time came and all the heifers were lined up just like Sam said and George was all excited to go down there, but Sam had a few more instructions.

"Now George, here is how this is gonna work. I'll start at one end and you can start at the other. We'll meet in the middle" said Sam.

"OK, OK, let's go!" said George.

"Hang on George!. One more important thing to remember. These gals will let us have our way but you have to show some respect and be polite. OK?" said Sam.

"Sure" says George.

Well, they go on down to the heifers all lined up. George starts at one end and Sam at the other. George is pretty excited, but he remember's Sam's instructions about being polite, so as he is going along he makes sure to say - "Thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, thank you ma'am, sorry Sam, thank you ma'am."

A woman and her friend are visiting the zoo.

They are standing in front of the big silverback gorillas cage, when one woman makes a gesture that the gorilla interprets as an invitation. He grabs her yanks her over the fence and takes her to his nest in the pen.

There he ravishhes her and makes passionate love to her for about 2 hours till he is tranquilized, and the lady taken to hospital. Her friend visits her the next day and asks, "Are you hurt?" She replies, "Of course I'm hurt, he hasn't called! He hasn't written!"

How do you catch a polar bear?
→ First, you cut a large, round hole in the ice. Next, you place enough peas around the hole to completely surround the hole. Then, when the polar bear comes to take a pea, you kick him in the icehole.

What does an elephant use as a vibrator?
→ An epilectic.

Have you ever smelled moth balls?
→ How did you get their little legs apart?

Two sheepherders are perfoming unnatural acts with two of their herd simultaneously. One turns to the other, disgustedly, and says, "I hear they're doing this to women in Chicago!"