Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Why does a dog lick his balls?
→ Because he can't make a fist.

A woman went to a podiatrist complaining that her feet always hurt.

He immediately noticed that she was extremely bowlegged.

"Have you always been that way?" asked the podiatrist.

"No," she said, not until recently. "I've been fucking a lot doggie style."

"Well," said the podiatrist, "you are going to have to stop."

"I can't," she replied, "that's the only way my German Shepherd fucks."

What's the worst thing about washing your cat?
→ Getting the fur off your tongue afterwards.

My brother-in-law went to the doctor complaining of a very difficult time achieving an orgasm.

The Dr said "which position do you use?"

"Doggy style," said dumb shit.

"why don't you go home and tonight try it missionary position and see if that works any better." said the Dr.

"We've tryed that" he said, "but my dogs got such baaadddd breath!"

A man takes his dog for a walk in the park. While he's there, he runs in to his old friend. The two men stop to talk and the dog just plops right down and starts licking his balls. The friend sees this and says, "Man, I sure wish I could do that." The dog owner says, "Go ahead, but pet him a little bit first."

Here's a sad one...

What do you get when you cross an elephant with a poodle?
→ A dead poodle with an 18 inch asshole.

What do you get when you cross a Rooster with an owl?
→ A Cock that can stay up all night!!

A middle-aged man recieves a brazillian parrot for his birthday. The only problem with this parrot is its attitude due to the influence of its former owner, who is now a deceased truck driver. The parrot loves to swear up and down at everything it sees. One day the man comes home with a gorgeous woman for a candle lit dinner. The first thing the parrot says is " Hey bitch how much for a handjob". She takes one look at our middle-aged friend, and runs out the door. The next night, Our friend is visited by his mother.

The parrot opens up with, "I'll suck that crusty coin-slot crack of yours for a senior citizen discount, if you lose that over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder, and wiggle those droopy dum dums for me." Our friend recieves a smack that leaves a fire-engine-red print, followed by a future threat from his father. Well Our frustrated friend can stands no more. He grabs the little motherfucker and throws it into the freezer. After about 15 minutes of swearing and kicking from the bad bird, all is quiet. Another 5 min of silence passes by. Our friend gets curious and opens the fridge.

The bird calmly perches on his finger. "Have you learned your lesson?", he sternly said. All the parrot can say is "I sure have. I just have one question. What the Fuck happened to the chicken?"

An elephant walks up to a naked guy and says, "How do you breathe out of that thing?"

There was a gorilla sitting in a tree by a river, when a lion came by for a cool drink. The gorilla thought to himself, "How funny would it be to screw the king of the jungle in the ass?"

After a moment or two, the gorilla swung into action. He grabbed the lion and started pumping away. The lion freaked of course, and jumped into the river. The lion came out of the water, roaring, he was really upset. The gorilla decided that it was a good time to be somewhere else, and took off running. The gorilla knew he had to think of something quick because he wasn't going to outrun the lion.

Just then the gorilla saw a hunter's tent and ducked inside to hide.

The hunter, reading the paper, was startled and ran out of the tent.

The gorilla decided to pretend to be the hunter, he put on the hunter's shirt and hat, and started to read the paper.

A few minutes later, the lion ran in and thinking it was the hunter reading the paper, said, "Hey Buddy, did you see a gorilla run in here?"

From behind the paper The gorilla answered, "You mean the one that screwed the lion in the ass?"

Flabergasted, the lion said, "Holy Shit! It's in the paper already?"