Random joke from this category
Things That Sound Dirty At The Office But Aren't
A middle manager is called into his bosses office on a Monday morning.
He is told he has to get rid of one employee in his department by the next Monday. "Downsizing."
He's really upset. Everyone in his department does a good job and it doesn't seem fair. So for the next 2 days he racks his brain trying to figure out who to fire. On Tuesday afternoon he sees Jack and Jill standing at the water cooler. He says to himself, "Okay it's going to be one of them."
He spends the next few days scrutinizing what each of them does.
Everything is equal. Productivity. Time off. Reports. Everything. He's in a quandary. It's Friday afternoon and he knows his going to have to think about this all weekend. Everyone has left the office except Jack and Jill, who are getting ready to leave. She comes over to say goodbye.
"Have a good weekend boss. Hey you don't look so good. Is everything okay?"
He looks at her and says "To be honest, I'm having a tough time here. I can't decide if I should lay you or Jack off."
And she looks at him and says "Well I have to catch a bus, so I suggest you jack off."
Two accountants were discussing a colleague's interest in one of the firm's new secretaries. "I just don't get it." said one. "She's an airhead -- nothing going on upstairs."
"That may be true," replied the other, "but I don't think that's the floor he's getting off on."
The contemplative routine of the convent was being disrupted by the presence of workmen converting the electrical service from overhead lines to buried cable. Mother Superior called the electric company's complaint department to ask for help.
"The profanity these men use constantly is unsuitable for our community. You must make them stop cursing so much.", said the nun.
"Very well, sister. But you must make allowances for their habits. Even when they are trying to be tactful, they will still tend to call a spade a spade.", said the company spokeswoman.
Mother superior then observed, "I think the term they actually use is 'fucking shovel'".
A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" ask the interviewer.
"Yes, I was a marine," responded the applicant.
"Did you see any active duty?"
"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."
"May I ask what happened?"
"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles."
"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10 am."
"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."
"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."
"Jim will not be in today. He is not feeling himself. Thank you."
THIS MEANS:
The hotel Astor had hired a new bus driver and instructed him to meet all incoming trains and announce at the depot in a very loud voice, "Free bus to the hotel Astor!" On the way to the station on his first trip he kept repeating to himself, "Free bus to the hotel Astor, Free bus to the hotel Astor," until he memorized it letter perfect. Upon his arrival at the station, however, he became confused at all the noise and hub bub and started shouting as follows.
"Free hotel at the bust your Astor, I mean, Free ass at the Hotel Bastard, I mean, Freeze your ass at the Hotel Buster, I mean Squeeze your bust at the Hotel Faster, I mean, Bust your ass at the Hotel Freezer, Oh shit...take a cab."
How do you catch an elephant?
→ First you dig a big hole, and fill it with wood and ash. Then you take a load of peas and line them up around the hole. Then, when the elephant goes to take a pea, kick him in the ash-hole!
What's the biggest drawback in the jungle?
→ The Elephants foreskin.
A double whammy:
Why do elephants paint thier testicles red?
→ So they can hide in cherry trees.
What's the loudest noise in the jungle?
→ A Monkey eating cherries.
