Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Four nuns arrived at the gates of heaven. St. Peter makes the inspection. The first one says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in one hand." St. Peter says: "You see the bowl of holy water, wash your hand and go in." The second says: "I have to confess, I held mans penis in both hands." St. Peter: "Wash both your hands and go in." Suddenly the other two start fighting, something terrible. St. Peter goes there, pulls them apart, asks "What's going on?" One of them shouts "I want to gargle, before she washes her ass in there."

Two nuns are walking down an alley when two guys jump out of the dark. They start raping the nuns and the first nun says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they do!" The second one says, "This one does!"

Two nuns are ordered to paint a room in the convent, and the last instruction of the Mother Superior is that they must not get even a drop of paint on their habits. After conferring about this for a while, the two nuns decide to lock the door of the room, strip off their habits, and paint in the nude. In the middle of the project, there comes a knock at the door.

- Who is it? - calls one of the nuns.

- Blind man - replies a voice from the other side of the door. The two nuns look at each other and shrug, and, deciding that no harm can come from letting a blind man into the room, they open the door.

- Nice tits - says the man.

- Where do you want these blinds?

Guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his first punishment. First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy not keen on this asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire. The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has an really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde. The guy jumps at the chance and takes the room. The devil walks into the room taps the blonde on the shoulder and says "okay, you can stop now. You've been relieved".

Sister Margaret died and through some error found herself in hell. She immediately called Saint Peter and said:

- This is Sister Margaret. There's been a terrible mistake!

She explained the situation, and Saint Peter said he'd get right on it.

The next day the nun didn't hear from Saint Peter so she called him again:

- Please set this error straight before tomorrow - she begged.

- There's an orgy planned for tonight, and everyone must attend!

- Of course, Sister - he said.

- I'll get you out of there right away. Apparently, her plight slipped his mind, and the following morning Saint Peter received another phone call from hell. He picked up the receiver with tribulations of his heart and started to listen.

He heard the following:

- Hey, Pete, this is Maggie. Never mind!

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket.

That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Why did the skeleton burp?
→ Because it didn't have the guts to fart.

A fellow was shipwrecked with six lovely women who in a short time were fighting over his attentions.

They held a meeting to resolve the problem and decided that each would have his services on a different day of the week, with Sundays off for him.

In due time the guy was dragging himself through the week, looking forward to Sunday. As he lay on the beach one day he saw a dot floating on the sea which as it got closer turned out to be a man on a raft. With his last ounce of strength he swam out, pulled the raft ashore, gave the occupant CPR and as he came around said to him; "Oh man, am I ever glad to see you!"

"Goodness gracious, am I ever glad to see you too" said the raft rider in a swishy way.

With a shrug of resignation the guy said... "Oh damn, there goes my Sundays!"

Why do Farts stink?
→ So that Deaf people can enjoy them too.

Why did the pervert cross the road?
→ He was stuck to the chicken.