Dirty Jokes — best jokes

I tried phone sex once, but the holes were too small.

Two drunks sitting at the rural area bar, lamenting their lack of a sex life. One looks out the window, and across the road is a sheep stuck half way thru a fence, with its butt facing the tavern. One drunk says he sure wishes that sheep were Marilyn Monroe. The other says, "I just wish it were dark."

- Patient: Doctor I'm having trouble having sex with my wife. When I get close enough to her, I get nauseous. When I insert, even an inch or two, I get sick to my stomach.

- Doctor: Hmmmm, that does sound serious. Let me see it.

Patient sticks out his tongue...

Did you hear about the call girl who accidentally made two appointments at the same time?
→ She managed to squeeze them both in.

Aspirin makes a great contraceptive. Just hold it between your knees.

There once was a young Irish woman who went to confession. Upon entering the confessional she said:

- Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.

The priest said:

- Confess your sins and be forgiven.

The young woman said:

- Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.

The priest thought long and hard and then said:

- Take seven lemons and squeeze them into a glass and then drink it.

The young woman asked:

- Will this cleanse me of my sins?

The priest said:

- NO, but it will wipe the smile off of your face.

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

Two friends met after a long time, and chatted about what's been going on since they last met. One of them had a new girlfriend and the other one asked about her cooking, her relation to his folks etc. etc. and finally asked "How is she in bed?" First guy replies "She's fantastic, she sucks like a real man!"

What is a man's idea of protected sex?
→ A padded headboard.

Three college students were rapping about who they'd like to be cast off on a desert with. The first one opted for Cindy Crawford. The next one chose Pamela Anderson. The third man chose Virginia Pipeline. "Never heard of her." his companions protested. "Who is she?" "Why she's just the greatest Italian gal of all, making the headlines in the newspaper," replied the third man. "See, here it is on page one: FIVE DIE LAYING VIRGINIA PIPELINE"