Dirty Jokes — best jokes

John receives a phone call.

- Hello - he answers.

The voice on the other end says:

- This is Susan. We met at a party about 3 months ago.

- hmmm... Susan? You say we met 3 months ago? - John

- Yes, it was at Bill's house. After the party gave me a ride home. On the way home, we parked and got into the back seat. You told me I was a good sport. - Susan

- Oh, yeah! Susan! How are have you been? - John

- Well, I'm pregnant and I'm going to kill myself. - Susan

- Say, you really ARE a good sport! - John

There was a farmer who had a brown cow and a white cow and he wanted to get them bred, so borrowed his neighbor's bull and turned it loose in the pasture.

He told his son to watch and come in and tell him when the bull was finished.

- Yeah daddy, yeah daddy - said the little boy. After a while the boy came into the living where his father was talking with some friends.

- Say, Pop - said the boy.

- Yes - replied his father.

- The bull just screwed the brown cow!

There was a sudden lull in the conversation. The father said "Excuse me" and took his son outside.

- Son, you mustn't use language like that in front of company. You should say 'The bull "surprised" the brown cow'. Now go and watch and tell me when the bull "surprises" the white cow.

The father went back inside the house.

After a while the boy came in and said:

- Hey, Daddy!

- Yes, son. Did the bull "surprise" the white cow?

- He sure did, Pop! He screwed the brown cow again!

When the milkman read the note he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 1.5 gallons, so knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said:

- I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean 15 gallons or 1.5 gallons?

The blonde said:

- I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath to make me more attractive.

The milkman replied:

- Oh, OK. Pasteurized?

The blonde looked at the milkman with a confused look on her face and said...

- No. Just up to my boobs.

How do you define confusion??
→ A blind lesbian in a fish market!

Three ladies are sitting in a bar. All of them have husbands named Larry. One lady asks:

- If you could name your husband after any soda pop, what would it be?

The first lady thinks for a minute and says:

- Moutain Dew, because he can mount and do me anytime.

The second lady thinks for awhile and finally says:

- 7-Up, because he has seven inches and can always get it up.

The third lady thinks for a long time and finally says:

- Jack Daniels.

The other ladies look at her with a confused look and say:

- Wait a minute, Jack Daniels is a hard liquor.

The third lady says:

- Yep, thats my Larry!

THOR, the God of Love wakes up the morning after the orgy.

As he sits up, stretches and looks around, he sees a beautiful, shapely, young blonde standing in the doorway.

He walks over and says:

- Good morning, I'm THOR!

She looks back at him with blue eyes and a comely smiles and says:

- YOUR THOR...

I'M SO THOR I CAN'T PITH!

Men are like....
Laxatives. They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like....
Bananas. The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like ....
Vacations. They never seem long enough.

Men are like....
Bank machines. Once they withdraw they lose interest.

Men are like ....
Weather. Nothing can be done about either one of them.

Men are like....
Blenders. You need one but your not quite sure why.

Men are like....
Cement. After getting laid, they take along time to get hard.

Men are like....
Chocolate Bars. Sweet,smooth, and they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like....
Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm and can keep you up all night long.

Men are like....
Commercials. You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like....
Department Stores. Their clothes should always be half off.

Men are like....
Government Bonds. They take so long to mature.

Men are like....
Horoscopes. They always tell you what to do and are usually wrong.

Men are like....
Lawn Mowers. If your not pushing one around, you're riding it.

Men are like....
Mascara. They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like....
Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like ....
Snowstorms. You never know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get or how long he will last.

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!

- I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozin, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules...any comments?

His new bride matter of factly says:

- No, that's fine with me.

- Just understand one thing... there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!

The male sexual organ requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

- has to work hard

- has to work at great depths

- has to work upside down

- has no ventilation or air conditioned environment at work

- has to work in a high humidity environment

- has to work at high temperatures

- does not get weekends and holidays off

- does not get time off after extra hours of work

- has a hazardous work environment that often causes professional sickness

Request DENIED for the following reasons:

- does not work 8 hours in a row

- does not answer immediately to all requests

- does not have a degree

- after a short activity period, falls asleep at work

- shows no fidelity to the workplace

- retires too early

- does not work at all unless pushed from behind

- does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work

A man and a woman have just finished shagging when suddenly a bee flies in the bedroom window and zooms straight up the woman's love tunnel.

- Oh God! - she screams.

- Help me! There's a bee up my vagina and it's buzzing around in there (albeit rather pleasurably)!

- Let's go - says her mate, I'll rush you straight to hospital!

On arrival at the emergency room the agitated couple are ushered into a curtained-off area by a male doctor.

- What seems to be the problem? - he asks.

- I've got a frigging bee up my vagina - screams the woman.

- Get it out!

- I see - says the doctor.

- Well, there's only one way to extract this bee. I'm going to have to spread honey on my nob and entice it out.

The doctor gets out his old fella and dunks it in a jar of honey he just happens to have with him. He then mounts the woman and penetrates her with his sticky sweet love stick.

- Just an inch or two should do it - he says.

After a few seconds he slides it in a bit further. After another few seconds he says 'Hmmm, it doesn't seem to be biting. I'll have to go deeper' and slides it in all the way. Suddenly he starts fondling her boobs with his hands, thrusting violently with his hips and moaning with what sounds like pleasure.

- HOLD IT! - says the boyfriend

- What are you doing?

- Change of plans! - shouts the doctor...

- I've decided to drown the little bastard!