Dirty Jokes — best jokes

This crazy guy walks into an insane asylum wearing nothing but plastic wrap as shorts.

The doctor walks in and tells him:

- I can clearly see your nuts!

The Perfect Day According To...

HER
8:45 - Wake up to hugs and kisses
9:00 - 5 pounds lighter on the scale
9:30 - Light breakfast
11:00 - Sunbathe
12:30 - Lunch with best friend at outdoor cafe
1:45 - Shopping
2:30 - Run into husband's ex - notice she's gained 30lbs.
3:00 - Facial, massage, nap
7:30 - Candlelight dinner for two and dancing
10:00 - Make love
11:30 - Pillow talk in his big strong arms

HIM
10:00 - Wake up
10:02 - SEX
10:10 - Big Breakfast
11:30 - Drive up coast in Ferrari with gorgeous babe with big hooters
2:15 - Enormous lunch with BEER
3:15 - SEX
3:25 - Play sports with the guys
4:30 - Drink BEER with the guys
6:30 - Meet Claudia Schiffer
6:40 - SEX
6:50 - Huge dinner, more BEER
8:00 - Fall asleep with BEER watching TV while dreaming of having SEX with Claudia Shiffer
11:00 - Full on, get down, gorilla SEX, more BEER
11:10 - Sleep
2:30 - Fart

What do you call a blonde golfer with an IQ of 125?
→ A foursome.

What do you call a blonde in a black leather jacket?
→ A rebel without a clue!

What do you call a blonde skeleton in the closet?
→ Last year's hide and seek champ.

What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
→ Pregnant.

What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence gone?
→ Divorced.

What do you call a fly buzzing inside a blonde's head?
→ A space invader.

What do you call a really smart blonde?
→ A golden retriever.

What does a blonde say during a porno?
→ There I am!!

What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
→ Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimer's disease?
→ Her IQ goes up.

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call from a friend.

- I know this midget who wants to buy a horse. He has a slight speech impediment, so listen carefully, I'm sending him over.

The Midget arrives, and the owner asks if he wants a male or female horse.

- A female horth - the midget replies.

So the owner shows him one.

- Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows him the horse's mouth.

- Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?

So the owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

- OK, what about the earsth?

Now the owner is getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one more time and shows the ears.

- OK, finally, I'd like to see her twat.

With that, the owner picks up the midget and shoves his head up the horse's twat, then pulls him out.

Shaking his head, the midget says:

- Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!

30 Things Never to Say to a Naked Man...

1. I've smoked fatter joints than that.
2. Ahhhh, it's cute.
3. Why don't we just cuddle?
4. You know they have surgery to fix that.
5. Make it dance.
6. Can I paint a smiley face on it?
7. Wow, and your feet are so big.
8. It's OK, we'll work around it.
9. Will it squeak if I squeeze it?
10. Oh no... a flash headache.
11. (giggle and point)
12. Can I be honest with you?
13. How sweet, you brought incense.
14. This explains your car.
15. Maybe if we water it, it'll grow.
16. Why is God punishing me?
17. At least this won't take long.
18. I never saw one like that before.
19. But it still works, right?
20. It looks so unused.
21. Maybe it looks better in natural light.
22. Why don't we skip right to the cigarettes?
23. Are you cold?
24. If you get me real drunk first.
25. Is that an optical illusion?
26. What is that?
27. It's a good thing you have so many other talents.
28. Does it come with an air pump?
29. So this is why you're supposed to judge people on personality.
30. I guess this makes me the 'early bird'.

After much research and millions of dollars, our scientists have discovered the secret ingredients to Viagra!

VIAGRA INGREDIENT LIST: (TopSecret!)

- 3% Vitamin E

- 2% aspirin

- 2% ibuprofen

- 1% Vitamin C

...and . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . ...92% Fix-A-Flat!

A girl goes on a blind date.

The blind date hadn't been all that great, and she was relieved the evening was finally over. At her apartment door, her date suddenly said:

- Hey! You wanna see my underwear?

Before she could respond, he had dropped his pants, right there in the hall, revealing that he wasn't wearing any underwear.

She glanced down and said:

- Nice design - does it also come in men's sizes?

A husband and wife decided they needed to use "code" to indicate that they wanted to have sex without letting their children in on it.

They decided on the word Typewriter.

One day the husband told his five year old daughter:

- Go tell your mommy that daddy needs to type a letter.

The child told her mother what her dad said, and her mom responded:

- Tell your daddy that he can't type a letter right now cause there is a red ribbon in the typewriter.

The child went back to tell her father what mommy said.

A few days later the mom told the daughter:

- Tell daddy that he can type that letter now.

The child told her father, returned to her mother and announced:

- Daddy said never mind with the typewriter, he already wrote the letter by hand.

A traveler knocked on the door of the house where a cabdriver had told him he could be sexually accommodated. An eye-level panel slid open and a female voice asked what he wanted.

- I want to get screwed - said the man.

- OK, mister, but this is a private club, so slip twenty bucks as an initiation fee through the mail slot - answered the voice.

The man slid his $20 bucks in, the panel was closed.

Minutes passed and nothing happened.

He began to pound on the door insistently, and the panel slid open again.

- Hey - exclaimed the sport:

- I want to get screwed!

- What? - said the voice:

- Again?

Monica Lewinsky was walking on the beach when she found a lantern washed up on the shore. She started to rub it and out popped a genie.

- Oh goodie, now I will get three wishes! - she exclaimed.

No - said the genie:

- You have been very bad this year, and because of this, I can only give you one wish.

- Lets see - says Monica:

- I don't need fame, because I have plenty of that due to all of the media coverage.

- And I don't need money, because after I write my book, and do all my interviews, I'll have all the money I could ever want.

- I would like to get rid of these love handles, though.

- Yeah, that's it,for my one wish, I would like my love handles removed.

Poof!, and just like that, her ears were gone!