Dirty Jokes — best jokes

Confucious say:

- Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.

- Man who stand on toilet high on pot.

- It is good for girl to meet boy in park, but better for boy to park meat in girl!

- Man who jizz in cash register come into money.

- Man who drop watch in toilet have shitty time.

- Man who fart in church must sit in own pew.

- Man who finger girl having period get caught red handed.

- Man trapped in pantry have ass in jam.

- Baseball wrong--man with four balls cannot walk.

- Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

- Man who go to bed with itchy butt wake up with smelly finger.

- Learn to masturbate--come in handy.

- Woman who pounce on dead rooster go down on limp cock.

- Man who buy drowned cat must pay for wet pussy.

- Virgin like balloon--one prick, all gone.

On a hot, dusty day a cowboy rode into a small frontier town. After dismounting, he walked behind his horse, lifted it's tail and kissed it where the sun don't shine. An old man rocking by the general store witnessed the whole thing.

"Whatya do that fer?" he asked.

"Got chapped lips," the cowboy replied. The old man asked, "Does that help?"

The cowboy said, "No, but it keeps me from lickin' 'em."

This guy goes to the pharmacist and says, "Listen, these two girls are coming to my place for the weekend and they are hot, very hot. Would you have something to get me going all night. It is going to be hell of a party."

The pharmacist goes in the back room, comes back with an old dusty bottle and says, "This stuff is very potent, you drink only one ounce of it and I guarantee that you will be doing the wild thing all night. Let me know about it."

The weekend goes by and on Monday morning, the pharmacist is going to work and at the door of the drug store, the same fellow is there waiting for him. The pharmacist says, "What are you doing here so early? How was your weekend?"

The guy replies, "Quick open the store, I need Blue Ice (a pain muscle reliever)."

The pharmacist, knowing what the guy had been doing all weekend, says, "Are you crazy, you can't put that on your penis. The skin is way too sensitive."

The guy says, "It's not for my penis, it's for my arm."

Pharmacist says, "What?? What happened?"

Guy replies, "Well... I drank the whole bottle of your potion."

Pharmacist says, "And..."

Guy replies, "The girls never showed up!"

WHY E-MAIL IS LIKE A PENIS

Some folks have it, some don't. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off. They think that those who don't have it are somehow inferior. They think it gives them power. They are wrong. Those who don't have it may agree that it's a nifty toy, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who do have it make about it. Still, many of those who don't have it would like to try it.

It can be up or down. It's more fun when it's up, but it makes it hard to get any real work done.

In the long-distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information considered vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today use it for fun most of the time.

Once you've started playing with it, it's hard to stop. Some people would just play with it all day if they didn't have work to do.

It provides a way to interact with other people. Some people take this interaction very seriously, others treat it as a lark. Sometimes it's hard to tell what kind of person you're dealing with until it's too late.

If you don't apply the appropriate protective measures, it can spread viruses.

It has no brain of its own. Instead, it uses yours. If you use it too much, you'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.

We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.

If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you in big trouble.

It has its own agenda. Somehow, no matter how good your intentions, it will warp your behavior. Later you may ask yourself "Why on earth did I do that?"

It has no conscience and no memory. Left to its own devices, it will just do the same damn dumb things it did before.

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

- Where the fuck is all that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic

- That's not a fucking real gun. - John Lennon

- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon

- Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein

- What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima

- It fucking does "so" look like her. - Picasso

- How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras

- You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo

- Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney

- Scattered showers my fucking ass! - Noah

- Pick up the fuckin' phone! - E.T.

- Fuck Logic! - Spock

- I can't breathe in this fucking thing! - Darth Vader

- Fuck I'm hungry! - Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! - Yoda

Did you hear about the heavyset guy who had tried every diet in the world in an attempt to lose weight? He tried the Scarsdale diet, the Navy diet, Weight Watchers, and many more. None worked. One day, he was reading the Washington Post when he noticed a small ad which read:

Lose weight
Only $1.00 a pound
Call (202) 208-0238

The man decided to give it a try and called the number. A voice on the other end asked:

- How much weight do you want to lose?

to which the man responded:

- Ten pounds.

The voice replied:

- Very well, give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

About 9:00 am the next morning the man gets a knock on the door. There stood a beautiful redheaded woman, completely naked except for a sign around her neck stating:

- If you catch me, you can have me.

Well, the hefty fellow chased her upstairs, downstairs, over sofas, through the kitchen, all around the house. Finally, panting and wheezing like a dog, he did catch her. When he was through enjoying himself, she said:

- Quick, go into the bathroom and weigh yourself!.

He did just that and was amazed to find that he had lost ten pounds, right to the ounce!

That evening he called the number again. The voice on the other end asked:

- How much weight do you want to lose?.

to which the somewhat less overweight man replied:

- Twenty pounds.

- Very well - the voice on the phone told him, Give me your credit card number and we'll have a representative over to your house in the morning.

At about 8:00 am the next morning the man receives a knock on the door. When he opens the door he sees a beautiful blond dressed only in track shoes and a sign around her neck stating:

- If you catch me, you can have me.

The chase took a good while longer this time and the man nearly passed out, but he finally did catch her. When he was through she told him:

- Quick, run into the bathroom and weigh yourself!

He ran to the bathroom and found he had lost another 20 pounds!

- This is fantastic! - he thought to himself.

Later that evening he called the number again and the voice at the other end asked:

- How much weight do you want to lose?.

- Fifty pounds! - the man exclaimed.

- Fifty pounds? - the voice asked.

- That's an awful lot of weight to lose at one time.

The man replied:

- Listen buddy, here's my credit card number, you just have your representative over here in the morning! - and he hung up the phone.

About 6:00 am the next morning the man gets out of bed, splashes on some cologne and gets all ready for the next representative. At about 7:00 am he gets a knock on the door. When he opens the door, he sees this large gorilla with a sign around his neck stating:

- If I catch you, I'm going to screw you

GREETING CARDS UNSUCCESSFULLY MARKETED BY HALLMARK

1. Happy Vasectomy! Hope you feel zippy! 'Cause when I got one... I got real snippy.
2. I heard you had herpes...and I feel terrible...
   I'd say "Get well soon"...but I know it's incurable.
3. My tire was thumping. I thought it was flat. When I looked at the tire....
   I found your cat...
   Sorry!
4. You had your bladder removed and you're on the mends.... here's a bouquet of flowers and a box of Depends.
5. You've announced that you're gay, and won't that be a laugh, when they find out you're one of the Joint Chiefs of Staff.
6. So your daughter's a hooker, and it spoiled your day... look at the bright side, she's a really good lay.
7. Heard your wife left you... How upset you must be...
   Don't fret about your wife though... She's moving in with me.
8. Your computer is dead... and it was so alive... you shouldn't have installed... Win'95.
9. You totalled your car... and can't remember why... maybe it was... that case of Bud Dry
10. So you lost your job... It's one of those hardships in life... Next time, work harder... and stay away from the boss's wife.

Sung to the tune of "The Beverly Hillbillies"

Come and listen to my story 'bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin' with the wife,
She lopped off his dong with the swipe of a knife.

Penis, that is.

Clean Cut. Missed his nuts.

Well, the next thing you know there's a Ginsu by his side,
And Lorena's in the car taken' Willie for a ride.

She soon got tired of her purple-headed friend
And tossed him out the window as she rounded a bend.

Curve, that is.

Tossed the nub. In the shrub.

She went to the cops and confessed to the attack,
And they called out the hounds just to get his weenie back.

They sniffed and they barked and they pointed "Over there"
To John Wayne's henry that was waving in the air.

Found, that is.

By a fence. Evidence.

Now peter and John couldn't stay apart too long
So a dick doc said:

- Hey, I can fix that dong!

- A needle and a thread is all we're gonna need

And the whole world waited till they heard that
Johnny peed.

Whizzed, that is.

Even seam. Straight stream.

Well he healed and he hardened and he took his case to court
With a half-assed lawyer cause his assets came up short.

They cleared her of assault and acquitted him of rape,
And his pecker was the only thing they didn't show on tape.

Video, that is.

Unexposed. Case Closed.

Ya'll sleep on your stomachs now, ya hear?

A man and his dog are shipwrecked on a desert island. After exploring the island, he discovers that the only other inhabitants on the island are a flock of sheep. After many months he realizes how difficult life is without having a woman by his side. He momentarily considers pleasuring himself with a sheep, but the horror of the thought soon draws him back to his senses.

A few months later, he can take it no more, and starts to stalk a particularly comely sheep. As he is about to do the dastardly deed, however, his dog grabs him by the leg and prevents him from going ahead. After some initial anger, he thanks the dog for keeping him on the straight and narrow.

This pattern continues for some years, when the man is not so much thankful for the hound's intervention, as downright irritated. Try as he might to sneak off to the sheep whenever the canine isn't looking, his faithful friend always hunts him down whenever he approaches the woolly flock.

Then one day, fate intervenes, and the man sees a yacht drop anchor in the bay. Soon he sees a very attractive young woman alighting from the yacht and stepping ashore. Soon he is with her, introducing himself.

- You're the first man I've seen after months at sea - she coos.

- I'll do anything you want.

Deep inside, the man is beside himself with joy. His prayers have been answered.

- Great - he says.

- Will you walk my dog for me?

It seems that two of the great Romantic British Poets, Shelly and Keats died on the same day.

When they got to heaven St. Peter said:

- I'm sorry, but I only have room for one poet. I'll tell you what I'll do. Each of you must make up a poem using the word 'Timbuctoo.' The one who creates the best poem I'll let into heaven.

So Shelly goes first. He thinks a bit and after a few moments, he starts:

- I stood upon the burning sand gazing at a far off land. A caravan came into view it's destination: Timbuctoo.

- Very good! - says St. Peter, Keats it's your turn. Do you think you can top that one?

Keats just smiled and started his poem:

- Tim and I a hunting went, and found three maidens in a tent. Since they were three and we were two, I bucked one and Timbuctoo.