Clean Jokes — best jokes

How can you shorten a bed?
→ Don't sleep long in it.

- I'd like to buy a bed, please.

- Certainly, madam. Spring mattress?

- Oh, no! I want to be able to use it all year.

What is the softest bed for a baby to sleep on?
→ Cot-on-wool.

Did you hear about the granny who plugged her electric blanket into the toaster by mistake?
→ She spent the night popping out of bed.

- I was once in a play called Breakfast In Bed.

- Did you have a big role?

- No, just toast and marmalade.

Why did the composer spend all his time in bed?
→ He wrote sheet music.

- Monster: I'm so ugly.

- Ghost: It's not that bad!

- Monster: It is! When my grandfather was born they passed out cigars. When my father was born they just passed out cigarettes. When I was born they simply passed out.

- I don't think these photographs you've taken do me justice.

- You don't want justice - you want mercy!

- Bill: My sister has lovely long red hair all down her back.

- Will: Pity it's not on her head.

Did you hear about the girl monster who wasn't pretty and wasn't ugly?
→ She was pretty ugly