Christmas Jokes — best jokes

What do you get if you cross Father Christmas with a detective?
→ Santa Clues!

Can I have a broken drum for Christmas?
→ The best thing you could have asked for. You can't beat it!

What happens to you at Christmas?
→ Yule be happy!

What do you give a train driver for Christmas?
→ Platform shoes!

What do you get if you cross a cat with Father Christmas?
→ Santa Claws!

What does Santa call his wife at tax time?
→ A dependent Claus.

Seasons Greetings by Mary Christmas

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Barbie-Got-Run-Over-by-a-Reindeer ...an excellent Holiday gift idea

It was a few days before Christmas. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back home. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood. (Almost a scrooge) Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointer parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant, "Even if we were married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

- Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is.

- Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss.

- That's not why it's there.

- Ok, I give up. Why is it there?

- It's there so you can kiss your luggage good-bye.

Don't you just hate the blatant materialism surrounding Christmas? And aren't you just dying to know what you got?