Celebrities — best jokes

Why can't the government put Magic Johnson on a stamp?
→ Everyone would be afraid to lick it.

What's stiff and excites women?
→ Elvis Presley.

What's got 400 legs and no pubic hair?
→ The front row of a Hanson concert

The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother. Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom. "Kid's......there's good news and bad news." "The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago" "The good news is.... It's steak and chips for dinner!"

What is blonde, has six legs, and roams Michael Jackson's dreams every night??
→ Hansons.

What's the difference between Elvis and a smart blonde?
→ Elvis has been sighted.

What's the best way to travel to the moon?
→ Transform yourself into a ball and get David Beckham to take a penalty!

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up the car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary's high school love. They exchanged hellos, and went on their way. As they were driving on to their destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, "Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would be the wife of a service station owner today." She smirked and replied, "No, if I had stayed with him, he would be President of the United States."

• "Things are more like they are now than they have ever been." --President Gerald Ford
• "My fellow astronauts..."--Vice-President Dan Quayle, beginning a speech at an Apollo 11 anniversary celebration.
• "Capital punishment is our society's recognition of the sanctity of human life."--Orrin Hatch, Senator from Utah, explaining his support of the death penalty.
• "China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese."--Charles de Gaulle, ex-French President
• "I stand by all the misstatements."--Dan Quayle, defending himself against criticism for making verbal gaffes
• "Gerald Ford was a Communist"--Ronald Reagan in a speech. He later indicated he meant to say 'Congressman'.
• "Outside of the killings, Washington D.C. has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."--Mayor Marion Barry, Washington D.C.
• "We found the term 'killing' too broad."--State Department spokesperson on why the word 'killing' was replaced with 'unlawful or arbitrary deprivation of life' in its human rights reports for 1984-5
• "This is a great day for France!"--President Richard Nixon while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral
• "This is the worst disaster in California since I was elected."--California Governor Pat Brown, discussing a local flood
• "It's not listed in the Bible, but my spiritual gift, my specific calling from God, is to be a television talkshow host."--James Baker, televangelist.
• "The chairs in the cabin are for the ladies. Gentlemen are not to make use of them till the ladies are seated."--Instructions posted in a river cruise ship, Suir River, Ireland.
• "The exports include thumbscrews and cattle prods, just routine items for the police."--U.S. Commerce Department spokesman on a regulation allowing the export of various products abroad.
• "What he does on his own time is up to him."--Harlon Copeland, Sheriff of Bexar County, Texas, when one of his deputies was caught exposing himself to a child.
• "Facts are stupid things."--Ronald Reagan, misquoting John Adams in a speech to the Republican convention.

George W. Bush was talking to some of his advisors, and they were discussing spin control on his past drug problems.

"Dubya," said his PR guy, "We've got to know, are the rumors true about your using cocaine in college."

"It's true," replied Bush, "but it isn't my fault. My parents were rich, and I was born with a silver spoon in my nose."