Celebrities — best jokes

Mike Tyson and OJ head to the Vatican to meet the pope and get absolved of all of their sins. While waiting for the pope to arrive Mike is eating nuts and throwing the shells on the floor. OJ gets a little agitated and decides to go for a stroll.

He comes back to find the Pope standing in front of Mike giving him the sign of the cross, ( Up - Down - Left and right).

OJ runs up to Mike and says - "Did the Pope bless you and forgive you for your sins???"

Mike replies - "No, he said - 'You (Up) pick up those nuts (Down), get that Nigger (Left) and get the fuck out (Right).'"

The joke sounds alot better if you can make the sign of the cross to the person you are telling the joke to.

"I want to make sure everybody who has a job wants a job" --George Bush, during his first Presidential campaign

"This is a great day for France!" --Richard Nixon, while attending Charles De Gaulle's funeral

"Now, like, I'm President. It would be pretty hard for some drug guy to come into the White House and start offering it up, you know? ... I bet if they did, I hope I would say, 'Hey, get lost. We don't want any of that.'" --George Bush, talking about drug abuse to a group of students

"For seven and a half years I've worked alongside President Reagan. We've had triumphs. Made some mistakes. We've had some sex ... uh... setbacks." --George Bush

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy. But that could change." --Dan Quayle

"Hawaii has always been a very pivotal role in the Pacific. It is in the Pacific. It is a part of the United States that is an island that is right here." --Dan Quayle during a visit to Hawaii in 1989

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind--or not to have a mind. How true that is." --Dan Quayle addressing the United Negro College Fund

"I am honored today to begin my first term as the Governor of Baltimore-that is Maryland." --William Donald Schaefer, first inaugural address

"The caribou love it. They rub against it and they have babies. There are more caribou in Alaska than you can shake a stick at." --George Bush, on the Alaska pipeline

"I hope I stand for anti-bigotry, anti-Semitism, anti-racism. This is what drives me." --George Bush

"If I listened to Michael Dukakis long enough I would be convinced that we're in an economic downturn and people are homeless and going without food and medical attention and that we've got to do something about the unemployed." --Ronald Reagan

"My fellow Americans, I've signed legislation that will outlaw Russia forever. We begin bombing in five minutes." --Ronald Reagan, about to go on the air for a radio broadcast, unaware that the microphone was already on

"Mars is essentially in the same orbit. Mars is somewhat the same distance from the sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." --Dan Quayle

"Now we are trying to get unemployment to go up and I think we're going to succeed." --Ronald Reagan

Great Moments In Political Debates

- Walter Mondale: George Bush doesn't have the manhood to apologize.

- Bush: Well, on the manhood thing, I'll put mine up against his any time.

Foreign Goofs

"Bite the wax tadpole." -- Coca-Cola as originally translated into Chinese

"Pepsi brings your ancestors back from the grave." -- ad slogan "Pepsi Comes Alive" as originally translated into Chinese

"I am a jelly doughnut" -- English translation of John F. Kennedy speaking at the Berlin Wall

"We pray for MacArthur's erection." -- sign erected by Japanese citizens in Tokyo, when MacArthur was considering a run for President

"You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid." -- from a guest directory at a Japanese hotel, 1991

"It takes a virile man to make a chicken pregnant." -- Perdue chicken ad, as mistranslated abroad

Miscellaneous

"I'm not against the blacks and a lot of the good blacks will attest to that." --Evan Mecham, then governor of Arizona

"Nixon has been sitting in the White House while George McGovern has been exposing himself to the people of the United States." --Frank Licht, then governor of Rhode Island, campaigning for McGovern in 1972

"Retraction: The 'Greek Special' is a huge 18 inch pizza and not a huge 18 inch penis, as described in an ad. Blondie's Pizza would like to apologize for any confusion Friday's ad may have caused." --correction printed in The Daily Californian

"Winfield goes back to the wall. He hits his head on the wall and it rolls off! It's rolling all the way back to second base! This is terrible thing for the Padres!" --Jerry Coleman, Padres radio announcer

"I want you to take your balls in your hand and bounce them on the floor and then throw them as high as you can. Now, have you all got your balls in your hands?" --announcer of children's radio show "Life With Mother" to her audience

A man walking down the beach, sees a old bottle in the sand and begins to play kick-the-bottle to amuse himself. After a while he picks it up, and a pissed off genie emerges.

She says "normally I grant 3 wishes, but in your case, you son of a bitch, I am going to grant only 1".

He thinks a minute and says - "OK, I want to wake up with 3 women in my bed".

She says "So be it!", and disappears back into the bottle. Next morning, he wakes up with Lorena Bobbitt, Tonya Harding and Hilary Clinton. He has no penis, a broken leg, and no health insurance!

Pat Williams, general manager of the Orlando Magic, on his team's woeful record:

"We can't win at home. We can't win on the road. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play."

Ways You Can Tell Your Pilot is on Drugs

10. All the in-flight meals are missing their dessert squares
11. In between "May I" and "have your attention" there's a 45 minute pause.
12. He's constantly yelling, "Take that, Red Baron!"
13. Shuttle from New York to Boston includes stopover in Colombia
14. His co-pilot: Robert Downey Jr.
15. For the last hour, he's been riding the beverage cart like a rodeo cowboy.
16. Keeps coming on the P.A. to point out clouds that look like his old high school teachers.
17. His wings are pinned to his bare chest
18. When you fly over international date line, he yells, "Dude! We're, like, time traveling!"
19. When he exhales, the oxygen masks drop

A very important event is going to happen on May the 4th. I'm telling you so early because it's so important. I urge each of you to mark that date on your calendars with the letters BU. It's very important that you include the letter B with the letter U; you may miss the importance of the event without it.

So go now, and mark your calendars. Keep repeating to yourselves as you walk to the calendar, so you don't forget: May the 4th, B with U; May the 4th, B with U....

Rush Limbaugh and his chauffeur were out driving in the country and accidentally hit and killed a pig that had wandered out on a country road.

Limbaugh told the chauffeur to drive up to the farm and apologize to the farmer. They drove up to the farm, the chauffeur got out and knocked on the front door and was let in. He was in there for what seemed hours. When he came out, Limbaugh was confused about why his employee had been there so long.

"Well, first the farmer shook my hand, then he offered me a beer, then his wife brought me some cookies, and his daughter showered me with kisses," explained the driver.

"What did you tell the farmer?" Limbaugh asked.

The chauffeur replied, "I told him that I was Rush Limbaugh's driver and I'd just killed the pig."

TOP TEN REASONS WHY THE STAR WARS CHARACTERS WOULD KICK BUTT IN THE STAR TREK UNIVERSE

10. In the Star Wars Universe weapons are rarely, if ever, set on "STUN."
11. The Enterprise needs a huge engine room with an anti-matter unit and a crew of 20 just to go into warp. The Millennium Falcon does the same thing with R2-D2 and a Wookie.
12. After resisting the Imperial torture droid and Darth Vader, Princess Leia still looked fresh and desirable. After pithy Cardassian starvation torture, Picard looked like hell.
13. One word: Lightsabers.
14. Darth Vader could choke the entire Borg empire with one glance.
15. The Death Star doesn't care if a world is class "M" or not.
16. Luke Skywalker is not obsessed with sleeping with every alien he encounters.
17. Jabba the Hutt would eat Harry Mudd for trying to cut in on his action.
18. The Federation would have to attempt to liberate any ship named "Slave I."
19. Picard pilots the Enterprise through asteroid belts at one-quarter impulse power. Han Solo floors it.

PLEASE ENGAGE BRAIN BEFORE SPEAKING

Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like that but not with all those flies and death and stuff. -- Mariah Carey

If you could live forever, would you and why?
→ I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever. -- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest

Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the same reactions in the brain as marijuana.... The researchers also discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember what they are. -- Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with the law. -- David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations that he failed to pay his taxes.

Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of your life. -- Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal anti-smoking campaign.

I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body. -- Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. -- Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC

Beginning in February 1976 your assistance benefits will be discontinued.... Reason: it has been reported to our office that you expired on January 1, 1976. -- Letter from the Illinois Department of Public Aid

The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nation's history... this century's history.... We all lived in this century. I didn't live in this century. -- Dan Quayle, then Indiana senator and Republican vice-presidential candidate during a news conference in which he was asked his opinion of the Holocaust.

Rotarians, be patriotic! Learn to shoot yourself. -- Chicago Rotary Club journal, "Gyrator"

The streets are safe in Philadelphia. It's only the people who make them less safe. -- Frank Rizzo, ex-police chief and mayor of Philadelphia.

I've always thought that under populated countries in Africa are vastly under polluted. -- Lawrence Summers, chief economist of the World Bank, explaining why we should export toxic wastes to Third World countries.

After finding no qualified candidates for the position of principal, the school board is extremely pleased to announce the appointment of David Steele to the post. -- Philip Streifer, Superintendent of Schools, Barrington, Rhode Island.

The doctors X-rayed my head and found nothing. -- Dizzy Dean explaining how he felt after being hit on the head by a ball in the 1934 World Series.

Fuck is such a versatile word...

Greetings: How the fuck are you!
Fraud: I got fucked by the car dealer.
Trouble: Well, I guess I'm fucked now.
Confusion: What the fuck...?
Retaliation: Up your fucking ass!
Denial: I didn't fucking do it.
Apathy: Who gives a fuck anyway?
Suspicion: Who the fuck are you?
Directions: Fuck off.
Chronology: It's Five-Fucking-Thirty!
Business: I hate this fucking job.
Oedipal: Motherfucker.

The word has been used by some very notable people throughout history:

• Where the fuck is all that water coming from? - Captain of the Titanic
• That's not a fucking real gun. - John Lennon
• Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon
• Any fucking idiot could understand that. - Albert Einstein
• What the fuck was that? - Mayor of Hiroshima
• It fucking does "so" look like her. - Picasso
• How the fuck did you work that out? - Pythagoras
• You want "what" on the fucking ceiling? - Michelangelo
• Fuck a duck. - Walt Disney
• Scattered showers my fucking ass! - Noah
• Pick up the fuckin' phone! - E.T.
• Fuck Logic! - Spock
• I can't breathe in this fucking thing! - Darth Vader
• Fuck I'm hungry! - Ghandi!

Do or do not, there is no fuckin' try! - Yoda