Business Jokes — best jokes

A local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer.

The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?" The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um...no."

"-or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology but was interrupted, "-or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..." On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: "-so if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"

How many publishers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ Three. One to screw it in and two more to hold down the editor.

A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, "Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!"

Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, "There's nothing in here about fifty people being swindled."

The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, "Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!"

An Illinois man pretending to have a gun kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines. The kidnapper then proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.

Izzard went into a Baltimore bank to cash his check. Since he didn't have an account there, the teller asked if he could identify himself.

"Sure," said Izzard.
"There a mirror around here?"

"There's one on the wall right beside you," said the clerk.

Izzard took a glance in the mirror and heaved a sigh of relief.

"Yep!" he said. "It's me, all right!"

Zack and Tybe, two Alabama farm boys, bought themselves a truckload of watermelons for a buck apiece.

They sold each one for a dollar. After counting up their cash, they realized they'd wound up with the same amount of money they'd started out with.

"See!" said Tybe. "Ah told yew we shoulda got a bigger truck!"

- IRS Agent: What's all this?

- Bracken: Well, you told me to bring all my records with me and I did. Here's some by Willie Nelson, Tammy Wynette, and Garth Brooks . . .

Did you hear about the Georgia accountant who absconded with all the accounts payable?

- Housekeeper: Professor, there's a bill collector at the door. I told him you were out. But he wouldn't believe me.

- Professor: No? Then I suppose I'll have to go and tell him myself.

Why did the idiot plant nickels in his garden?
→ He wanted to raise some hard cash.