At Work — best jokes

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesimally small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator's Society) if they ever get it organized.

15 Pet Peeves Of Morticians...

• Best make-up artist in the world, but your models never make the cover of Cosmo.
• No moth, no Jodie Foster -- just leaves, dirt, and regular dead folks.
• Only 3 hits this month on the "World O' Coffins" web site.
• Tough to convince anyone to let you place bodies in action poses.
• Ask any chem prof what happens when you mix embalming fluid and breast implants... WHAMMO!
• Working alone late at night inevitably results in an extreme attack of "the willies."
• Hard to close the lid on Eroto-Asphyxiation victims.
• Embalming fluid bottle looks an awful lot like Colt 45 bottle.
• Toe tag paper cuts.
• The wife keeps asking if you could bring a little more rigor mortis home, if you know what I mean.
• Nobody visits your booth at junior high "Career Days."
• Every time Keith Richards gets mistakenly hauled in, it costs us money.
• At Thanksgiving, no one even TOUCHES your giblet gravy.
• Constant complaints of, "But he looks like Michael Jackson!"

...and the Number 1 Pet Peeve Of Morticians...

Dying in each other's arms may sound romantic, but once rigor mortis sets in, it just means overtime.

1. The feebleness or banality of an excuse should never be a deterrent to its use.
2. Always put the blame on something that can't defend itself. Children, pets, inanimate objects, and relatives living in foreign countries make perfect scapegoats.
3. Whine convincingly.
4. Certain ailments work better than others as excuses. No doctor or machine in the world can prove that you don't have that headache.
5. Try to remember that nature allotted each of us only two grandmothers to attend funerals for.

And now, some excuses:

• I was going to mail it for your birthday, but then I couldn't find it, and by the time I found it, it was too late and I was embarrassed to send it to you.
• The baby threw up all over my dress, and we had to go home first to change.
• I'm taking care of a sick aunt...no, this is a different one.
• The car ran out of gas.
• Well, you never told me I couldn't do that.
• He started it.
• I have jet lag.
• I'd really like to, but my gerbils are having babies tonight.
• I swallowed my gold crown this morning, and I have to wait here until it comes out the other end.
• I missed the bus.
• The alarm didn't go off.
• I couldn't find a parking space.
• The Devil made me do it.
• Drugs made me do it.
• Everybody else does it.
• That's not my department.
• Our computer's down.
• We must have misplaced your original request.
• It's on someone elses desk.
• Don't ask me - I just work here.

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!"

In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing.

In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!"

The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"

"I'm sorry," came the reply.

"But I have a crew of engineers laying sod across the street."

3 guys go into a bar. The booze begins to flow pretty heavily in the course of the evening and the guys get split up. Next morning they're all at work discussing what went on after they lost one other...

The first guy says, "Man I was so trashed last night I went home and blew chunks!"

The second goes, "Shit that's nothing I was so tanked that I drove my damn car into a tree. Totaled it. I have no idea what the cops are going to do!"

The third guy says, "That's nothing I was so drunk that I went home and starting cussing my girlfriend out and in the process knocked over a candle and it caught the whole damn apartment on fire - the insurance won't cover it, plus my girlfriend left me."

The first guy leans back in and whispers, "I don't think you guys understand, Chunks is my dog."

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION"
→ You'll be making under $6 an hour.

"ENTRY-LEVEL POSITION IN AN UP-AND-COMING COMPANY"
→ You're paid under $6 an hour; we'll be bankrupt in a year.

"AN UP-AND-COMING SOFTWARE COMPANY"
→ There's no chance in hell we'll be the next Microsoft.

"PROFIT-SHARING PLAN"
→ Once it's shared among the brass, you get what's left.

"COMPETITIVE SALARY"
→ We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"JOIN OUR FAST-PACED COMPANY"
→ We have no time to train you. (and/or) Please introduce yourself to your co-workers.

"NATIONALLY RECOGNIZED LEADER"
→ Inc. Magazine mentioned us in an article a few years ago.

"IMMEDIATE OPENING"
→ The person who had this job gave notice a month ago. We're just now running the ad.

"SALES POSITION REQUIRING MOTIVATED SELF-STARTER"
→ We can't supply you with leads; (and/or) there's no base salary to speak of; (and/or) you'll wait 30 days for your first commission check.

"SELF-MOTIVATED"
→ Don't expect Management to answer questions

"WE OFFER GREAT BENEFITS"
→ After 90 days, you can join our HMO, which has a $500 deductible and a $35 co-pay.

Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
→ She kept throwing out all the "W"s!

• The first 90% of a project takes 10% of the time, the last 10% takes the other 90% of the time.
• If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights.
• A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.
• Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
• It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.
• After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.
• The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
• You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
• Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day.
• When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.
• If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it.
• There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.
• Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.
• Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous."
• Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.
• To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.
• Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.
• Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
• If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.
• You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
• People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't.
• If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.
• At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.
• When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

Dum and Dummer were roughing in a house when Dummer sees Dum throwing away half the nails.

"Hold it!", says Dummer.

"Why are you throwing all those nails away?"

"Because.", says Dum. "The heads are on the wrong end."

"You dummy!", replies Dummer.

"Those are for the other side of the house!"

A not so bright guy got a job in a factory and "the boys" soon befriended him. Just before lunch one day a fellow worker came up to him and said, "You notice how the boss has been leaving work early for lunch and comes back late the past few weeks? Well, I've been going home and spending time with my wife. You oughta try it."

So our young friend snuck home, but as he entered his apartment, he could hear his wife and a man in his bedroom. Sneaking a peak into his bedroom, he caught his wife, with his BOSS in bed. Turning around, he quietly left the apartment and returned to work before his boss got back.

The next day, after the boss left, his friend nudged him and said, "I guess thats my cue! You gonna sneak home again today?"

To which our young friend replied, "Nah, I better not! I almost got caught yesterday!"