Animal Jokes — best jokes

What do you get if you all sit under a cow?
→ A pat on the head!

What's the best way to make a bull sweat?
→ Put him in a tight jumper!

What do you call a pig that took a plane?
→ Swine flu!

What kind of doctor treats ducks?
→ A quack!

What did the well mannered sheep say to his friend at the field gate?
→ Afer ewe!

Why did the ram fall over the cliff?
→ He didn't see the ewe turn!

What do cows like to dance to?
→ Any kind of moosic you like!

Where do sheep get shorn?
→ At the baa baas!

What do you get if you cross a steer with a tadpole?
→ A bullfrog!

Why did the bull rush?
→ Because it saw the cow slip!

What kind of bird lays electric eggs?
→ A battery hen!

What do you call an arctic cow?
→ An eskimoo!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
→ A brick-layer!

How do you fit more pigs on your farm?
→ Build a sty-scraper!

Why does a rooster watch TV?
→ For hentertainment!

What do you get from a drunk chicken?
→ Scotch eggs!

What do you call a crate of ducks?
→ A box of quackers!

What do you get if you cross a chicken with a bell?
→ A bird that has to wring its own neck!

Why shouldn't you take an elephant to the zoo?
→ Because he'd rather go to the movies!

What's blue and has big ears?
→ An elephant at the North Pole!

What's grey and lights up?
→ An electric elephant!

What's big and grey and protects you from the rain?
→ An umbrellaphant!

What do you do with a green elephant?
→ Wait till it ripens!

What is the difference between an elephant and a flea?
→ An elephant can have fleas but a flea can't have elephants!

A boy with an elephant on his head went to see a doctor. The doctor said:

- You know you really need help

- Yes I do - said the elephant - get this kid off my foot!

What happened to the elephant who ran away with the circus?
→ The police made him bring it back!

Why are elephants wiser than chickens?
→ Have you ever heard of Kentucky Fried Elephant?!

What do you call an elephant that can't do sums?
→ Dumbo!

Why did the elephant walk on two feet?
→ To give the ants a chance!

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they've no pockets to put things in!

Why did the elephant jump in the lake when it began to rain?
→ To stop getting wet!

What do elephants do in the evenings?
→ Watch elevision!

How to elephants talk to each other?
→ By 'elephone!

What did the zoo keeper say when he saw four elephants walking over the hill towards him wearing sunglasses?
→ Nothing, he didn't recognize them!

When do elephants have 8 feet?
→ When there are two of them!

What did the elephant say to the famous detective?
→ It's ele-mentary, my dear Sherlock!

- Zoo Keeper: I've lost one of my elephants

- Other Zoo Keeper: Why don't you put an advert in the paper?

- Zoo Keeper: Don't be silly, he can't read!

What do you do if you find a blue elephant?
→ Try and cheer him up!

What do you call an elephant creeping through the jungle in the middle of the night?
→ Russell!

A man was sprinkling some white powder on his lawn.

- Why are you doing that? - asked his neighbour.

- It's to keep the elephants off the grass - he replied.

- But we don't get elephants round here!

- I know - good stuff isn't it!

What do you call an elephant with a rabbit up it's sweater?
→ Warren!

What do you call the rabbit up the elephant's sweater?
→ Terrified!

What do you call someone with an elephant on their head?
→ Squashed!

Who lost a herd of elephants?
→ Big bo peep!

What is an elephants favorite film?
→ Elephantasia

What do elephants say as a compliment?
→ You look elephantastic!

What do you do with old cannon balls?
→ Give them to elephants to use as marbles!

What animals were last to leave the ark?
→ The elephants as they had to pack their trunks!

What do you call an elephant with a machine gun?
→ Sir!

What can an elephant with a machine gun call you?
→ Anything he likes!

What do you call an elephant that's small and pink?
→ A failure!

What is stronger an elephant or a snail?
→ A snail, because it carries it's house, an elephant just carries its trunk!

What do you give an elephant with big feet?
→ Plenty of room!

Tarzan was tired when he came home.

- What have you been doing - asked Jane.

- Chasing a herd of elephants on vines

- Really? - said Jane - I thought elephants stayed on the ground!

What would happen if an elephant sat in front of you at the movies?
→ You would miss most of the film!

What steps would you take if you were being chased by an elephant?
→ Big ones!

What do you find in an elephants graveyard?
→ Elephantoms!

Why do elephants have wrinkly ankes?
→ Because their shoes are too tight!

Why don't elephants like playing cards in the jungle?
→ Because of all the cheetahs!

What do you call a elephant that never washes?
→ A smellyphant!

- Teacher: Where would you find an elephant?

- Pupil: You don't have to find them, they're too big to lose!

What do you call an elephant with a carrot in each ear?
→ Anything you want as he can't hear you!

- Teacher: To which family does the elephant belong?

- Pupil: I don't know, nobody I know owns one!

How do you spell elephant?

- E-l-l-e-e-f-a-n-t

- That's not how the dictionary spells it

- You didn't ask me how the dictionary spelt it!

- Teacher: Name six wild animals

- Pupil: Four elephants and two lions!

What do you call an elephant that lies across the middle of a tennis court?
→ Annette!

- Bill: My homework is really difficult tonight, I've to write an essay on an elephant.

- Bert: Well, for a start your going to need a big ladder..

Why do elephants do well in school?
→ Because they have a lot of grey matter!

How do you hire an elephant?
→ Stand it on four bricks!

What is the easy way to get a wild elephant?
→ Get a tame one and annoy it!

What did Tarzan say when he saw the elephants coming?
→ Here come the elephants!

Why is an elephant braver than a hen?
→ Because the elephant isn't chicken!

What is worse than raining cats and dogs?
→ Raining elephants!

How are elephants and hippopotanuses alike?
→ Neither can play basketball!

How do you stop an angry elephant from charging?
→ Take away it's credit cards!

What did the baby elephant get when the daddy elephant sneezed?
→ Out of the way!

How do you raise a baby elephant?
→ With a fork lift truck!

What's the best way to see a charging herd of elephants?
→ On television!

What to you get if you cross a parrot with an elephant?
→ An animal that tells you everything that it remembers!

What is a baby elephant after he is five weeks old?
→ Six weeks old!

What did the elephant say when the man grabbed him by the tail?
→ This is the end of me!

- Policeman: One of your elephants has been seen chasing a man on a bicycle.

- Zoo Keeper: Nonsense, none of my elephants knows how to ride a bicycle!

Why do the elephants have short tails?
→ Because they can't remember long stories!

How to you keep an elephant in suspense?
→ I'll tell you tomorrow!

- Dad, Mum is fighting with an enormous elephant in the garden!

- Don't worry dear, I'm sure the elephant can look after itself!

- My elephants got no trunk?

- How does it smell?

- Terrible!

What do elephants sing at christmas?
→ Noel-ephants, Noel-ephants...

Who do elephants get their christmas presents from?
→ Elephanta Claus!

Have you heard about the elephant that went on a crash diet?
→ He wrecked three cars, a bus and two fire engines!

Why do elephants eat raw food?
→ Because they don't know how to cook!

Why did the elephant eat the candle?
→ For light refreshment!

How can you tell if there is an elephant in your dessert?
→ You get very lumpy ice cream!

What kind of elephants live in Antartica?
→ Cold ones!

How do you fit five elephants into a car?
→ Two in the front, two in the back and the other in the glove compartment!

How does an elephant get out of a small car?
→ The same way that he got in!

Why do elephants have trunks?
→ Because they would look silly carrying suitcases!