Animal Jokes — best jokes

- Mum, can I have a dog for Christmas?

- No you can have turkey like everyone else!

Why is a cat on a beach like Christmas?
→ Because they both have "Sandy claws"!

A man out for a walk came across a little boy pulling his cat's tail.

- Hey you! - he shouted.

- don't pull the cat's tail!

- I'm not pulling! - replied the little boy.

- I'm only holding on - the cat's pulling!

Did you hear about the boy who wanted to run away to the circus?
→ He ended up in a flea circus!

Young Vestal was walking in his Florida backyard when an alligator bit him.

- Mama! - yelled the boy.

- A gator jus' bit off mah foot!

- Which one? - called his mother from inside the cabin.

- How the hell should Ah know?! - he shrieked.

- They all look alike to me!

Why was the mother flea feeling down in the dumps?
→ Because she thought her children were all going to the dogs.

Why was the lightning bug unhappy?
→ Because her children were not very bright.

Mrs Smith, the biology teacher, was very fond of fish. She was also rather deaf, which was great for the children in her class.

- What Mrs Smith needs - said one of her colleagues:

- is a herring-aid.

A little girl was playing in the garden when she spied two spiders mating.

- Daddy, what are those two spiders doing? - she asked.

- They're mating - her father replied.

- What do you call the spider on top, Daddy? - she asked.

- That's a daddy long legs - her father answered.

- So, the other one is a mommy long legs? - the little girl asked.

- No - her father replied.

- Both of them are daddy long legs.

The little girl thought for a moment, then took her foot and stomped them flat.

- Well, we're not having any of THAT in our garden.

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp:

- Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?

As the shopkeeper's heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he's on her level, and asks:

- Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack wabby or maybe one like that cute widdle bwown wabby over there?

She in turn blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees,

leans forward and says in a quiet voice:

- I don't fink my pet python weally gives a thit.