Best jokes

This bloke went into a nightclub and saw a gorgeous honey sitting by herself at the bar, he asked her to dance. She agreed and they took to the dance floor for a slow one. While they were cheek to cheek, the guy said, "You really smell terrific. What's that you have on?"

The flattered girl told him it was Chanel #5. Then wanting to return the compliment, she said, "You smell good, too. What is it that you have on?"

"Well, I've got a hardon, but I didn't think you could smell it," the guy replied.

Q: What do you call an anorexic with a yeast infection?

A: A quarter-pounder with cheese.

A blond at a party was telling her friend thatshe was off men for life. "They lie, they cheatand they're just no good. From now on when I wantsex, I'm going to use my vibrator"

"So, what when the batteries run out?" asked her friend"I'll just fake an orgasm like always."

Blondes dumb?!?!? After many hours of extremely acrobatic and exhausting sex with ablonde he had just picked up, a man goes into the kitchen for some foodto replenish his justspent energy. He pours himself a glass of milkand right before drinking it, he realizes his manhood is still prettyhot,so he sticks it in the glass to cool it off. Just then the blondewalks in and says, "Oh, I always wondered how you refilled those."

Why I Fired My Secretary I woke up early, feeling depressed because it was my birthday, and I thought,"I'm another year older," but decided to make the best of it. So I showered andshaved, knowing when I went down to breakfast my wife would greet me with a bigkiss and say, "Happy birthday, dear." All smiles, I went in to breakfast, andthere sat my wife, reading her newspaper, as usual. She didn't say one word. SoI got myself a cup of coffee, made some toast and thought to myself, "Oh well,she forgot. The kids will be down in a few minutes, smiling and happy, and theywill sing 'Happy Birthday' and have a nice gift for me." There I sat, enjoyingmy coffee, and I waited. Finally, the kids came running into the kitchen,yelling, "Give me a slice of toast! I'm late! Where is my coat? I'm going tomiss the bus!" Feeling more depressed than ever, I left for the office. When I walked into the office, my secretary greeted me with a great big smileand a cheerful "Happy birthday, boss." She then asked if she could get me somecoffee. Her remembering my birthday made me feel a whole lot better. Later in the morning, my secretary knocked on my office door and said, "Sinceit's your birthday, why don't we have lunch together?" Thinking it would makeme feel better, I said, "That's a good idea." So we locked up the office, andsince it was my birthday, I said, "Why don't we drive out of town and havelunch in the country instead of going to the usual place?" So we drove out oftown and went to a little out-of-the-way inn and had a couple of martinis and anice lunch. We started driving back to town, when my secretary said, "Why don'twe go to my place, and I will fix you another martini." It sounded like a goodidea, since we didn't have much to do in the office. So we went to herapartment, and she fixed us some martinis. After a while, she said, "If youwill excuse me, I think I will slip into something more comfortable," and sheleft the room. In a few minutes, she opened her bedroom door and came out carrying a bigbirthday cake. Following her were my wife and all my kids. And there I sat withnothing on but my socks.

A guy goes to his doctor and says,"Doc, I have a problem."

"My girlfriend is sleeping over this Friday, my ex-wife is sleeping over this Saturday and my wife is coming home Sunday."

"I need 3 Viagra pills to satisfy them all."

The doctor says, "You know 3 Viagra pills 3 nights in a row is pretty dangerous for any man. I will give them to you on the condition that you return to my office on Monday so that I can check you out."

The man says, "You have a deal Doc."

Monday morning the man returns with his arm in a sling.

The doctor asks, "What happened"?

The man answered, "Nobody showed up!"

It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope.

At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?" "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Screw him, give him a dollar." The blonde then said, "The breakfast was my idea."

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: "I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person. Because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humor!" The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, "You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee."

One evening, Frank was drinking at a bar when the bartender came over to tell Frank that he had a telephone call.

Frank had just bought another beer and he didn't want anyone else to drink it. So, Fred wrote a little sign and left it by his beer that read: "I spit in my beer."

When Fred returned to his bar stool, there was another note beside his beer: "I spit in your beer, too!"

There were Two guys at a bar. They were making small talk and realized a couple of interesting things.. this is how their conversation went. Guy 1: Yah..

I'm originally from Dublin, IrelandGuy 2: REally?! Me too!

Guy 1: I went to O'Malley Highschool.

Guy 2 : I did too! What year did you graduate?

Guy 1: 1988!guy 2: Same here!

A guy sitting next to them was amazed how they grew up together and didnt know it. He asked the bar tender, who was friends with both of them if the two irish guys knew eachother.

The bar tender replied, " Yeah. It looks like the Donohue Twins are drunk again."