The Minnesota Fish and Game Comission wanted to develop a fish that would offer more for their sportsmen so they crossed a Coho with a Walleye and called it a Kowal.
It grew to a nice size and reproduced well but it wouldn't bite. They crossed the Kowal with a Muskie and called it a Kowalski but it was so stupid they had to teach it how to swim.
Two nuns riding down a cobbled road on bicycles. First one says to the other, "I've never come this way before."
Other nun says, "Neither have I. It's probably the cobbles."
A boy was bagging groceries at a supermarket. One day the store installed a machine for squeezing fresh orange juice.
Intrigued, the young man asked if he could be allowed to work the machine, but his request was denied.
Said the store manager, "Sorry, kid, but baggers can't be juicers."
A girl phoned me the other day and said .... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My father carries around the picture of the kid that came with his wallet.
I remember when I swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Once when I was lost I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him, "do you think we'll ever find them? He said, "I don't know kid, there are so many places they can hide.
How To Shower Like A Man:1 - Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.2 - Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the "woo" sound.3 - Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see if you have pecs (no). Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your "privates" and smell your fingers for one last whiff.4 - Get in the shower.5 - Don't bother to look for a washcloth (you don't use one).6 - Wash your face.7 - Wash your armpits.8 - Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.9 - Wash your privates and surrounding area.10 - Wash your butt, leaving hair on the soap bar.11 - Shampoo your hair (do not use conditioner).12 - Make a shampoo Mohawk.13 - Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.14 - Pee (in the shower).15 - Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub the whole time.16 - Partially dry off.17 - Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size again.18 - Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.19 - Leave bathroom fan and light on.20 - Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.21 - Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
O'Toole worked in the lumber yard for twenty years and all that time he'd been stealing the wood and selling it. At last his conscience began to bother him and he went to confession to repent. "Father, it's 15 years since my last confession, and I've been stealing wood from the lumber yard all those years," he told the priest. "I understand my son," says the priest. "Can you make a Novena?" O'Toole said, "Father, if you have the plans, I've got the lumber."
Two Irishmen were walking home after a night on the beer when a severed head rolled along the ground. Mick picked it up to his face and said to Paddy "Jez, that look like Sean" to which Paddy replied "No Sean was taller than that"
Barty was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by. "Help!" Barty shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there." Mick leaned out and grabbed Barty's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Barty, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help." As Mick was leaving, Barty called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?
Pat and Mick landed themselves a job at a sawmill. Just before morning tea Pat yelled: "Mick! I lost me finger!" "Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?" "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi... Darn! There goes another one!"
A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead. "Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked. "Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children." "Is that a record?" she inquired. "I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."
