Scorcher Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all ye say there?" The agent said, "Certainly ye have... Why d'ye ask?" Replied Murphy, "Cancel the sale...'tis too good to part with."
There were two Indians and a Polish fellow walking along together in the desert, when, all of a sudden, one of the Indians took off and ran up a hill to the mouth of a cave. He stopped and hollered into the cave...:
- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!
and then listened very closely until he heard the answer...:
- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!
He then tore off his clothes and ran in to the cave.
The Polish fellow was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all about, was that Indian goofy or something.
- No - said the other Indian.
- It is mating time for us Indians and when you see a cave and holler, "Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!", and get an answer back, that means that she is in there waiting for you.
Well, just about that time, the other Indian saw another cave. He took off and ran up to the cave, then stopped and hollered:
- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!
When he heard the return:
- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!
off came the clothes and into the cave he goes.
The Polack started running around the desert looking for a cave to find these women that the Indians had talked about. All of a sudden, he looked up and saw this great big cave. As he looked in amazement, he was thinking:
- Man! Look at the size of that cave! It's bigger then the ones that those Indians found. There must really be something really great in this cave!
Well... he took-off up the hill at a super fast speed. He got in front of the cave and hollered:
- Woooooo! Woooooo! Woooooo!
He was just tickled all over when he heard the answering call of:
- WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!! WOOOOOOOOO!!!
Off came his clothes and, with a big smile on his face, he raced into the cave.
The next day in the newspaper the head lines read, Naked Polack Run Over By Freight Train!!
Three cowboys were hanging out in the bunkhouse.
- I know that smart aleck Tex - said the first.
- He's going to start bragging about that new foreign car he bought as soon as he gets back.
- Not Tex - the second cowboy replied.
- He'll always be just a good ol' boy. When he walks in, I'm sure all he'll say is hello.
- I know Tex better than either of you - said the third.
- He's so smart, he'll figure out a way to do both. Here he comes now.
Tex swung open the bunkhouse door and shouted:
- Audi, partners!
Where do frogs keep their money?
→ In a river bank!
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting and old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted:
- Are there any gators around here?!
- Naw - the man hollered back - they ain't been around for years!
Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy:
- How'd you get rid of the gators?
- We didn't do nothin' - the beachcomber said.
- The sharks got 'em.
What do you call an open can of tuna fish in a lesbian's apartment?
→ Potpourri
Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.
- Why, my outfit was so well drilled, that when they presented arms all you could hear was slap, slap, click - declared one.
- Very good, but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle - conceded the other.
- What was the jingle? - asked the first.
- Oh, just our medals - replied the other off hand.
A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Bosnia as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid solder raised his hand and asked:
- If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?
- Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.
What's the difference between a pickpocket and a peeping tom?
→ One snatches watches and the other watches snatches!
Two friends were out drinking when suddenly one lurched backward off his barstool and lay motionless on the floor. "One thing about Jim," his buddy said to the bartender, "he knows when to stop."
