Best jokes

An old italian couple is walking around in the mall. After a while they get separated so the woman goes up to the first saleswoman she sees and ask:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers that she hasn't seen her husband.

So the Italian woman goes to aks another saleswoman:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

- No, I'm sorry maam, I haven't seen your husband.

The Italian woman goes to see one more saleswoman and ask:

- Escusa me, have you senn-a me Tony. He's got a big-a belly and a-lots of curly black hair?

The saleswoman answers:

- Yes I saw him, he ran out of here lickety split.

To which the Italian woman answers:

- No no no, that's not-a my tony, he pinch-a the bum, grab-a the breasts but he no lickety split!

Why do Scottsmen wear kilts?
→ The sound of the zipper scares the sheep.

How do you sink a Polish submarine?
→ You knock on the door.

Why does the University of Tennesse football team wear orange to all their Saturday games?
→ So that they can wear the same outfit to go hunting on Sunday, and to work on Monday.

Why don't Mexicans teach driver's Ed. and Sex Education on the same day?
→ Because they don't want to wear out the donkey.

What's the difference between a black and a white fairy tale?
→ A white one starts off with "Once upon a time...".
→ A black one starts off with "Yo ass ain't gonna believe dis shit..."

The three survivors of the shipwreck were being driven mad by hunger.

The Irishman, an expert navigator, told the others that if they could row the lifeboat for three more days they could make landfall.

The Pole, the ship's doctor, said that they could not possibly last that long, that there was only one solution to the problem and that one of them would have to sacrifice themselves for the good of the others.

The Englishman, the captain, said that he quite understood and that he would volunteer as he should have gone down with the ship anyway.

After saying an emotional farewell to his crewmen, the captain jumped overboard and sank without trace.

What's a Jewish American Princess's idea of kinky sex?
→ She moves.

What's the definition of a Jewish nyphomaniac?
→ One that screws when she's just had her hair done.

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"