Best jokes

What do you say to a girl with two black eyes?
→ Nothing, you already told the bitch twice.

Why are bachelors thin, and married men fat?
→ Bachelors come home, check to see what's in the fridge, and go to bed. Married men come home, check to see what's in the bed, and go the fridge.

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.

Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. He finally gets himself to the doctor. He says:

- How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin.

The doc said:

- I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week.

So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided splint, held together with surgical wire. It was an impressive work of art. The guy mentions none of this to his girlfriend. They marry and on their honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he ever saw them.

She says:

- You are the first, no one has ever touched these breasts.

He pulls down his pants, whips out his splinted cock and says:

- Look at this beauty, it's still in the CRATE!

On a first date, a guy escorts a girl home and asks:

- Guy: Can I come up for a cup of coffee?

- Girl: Actually, I never invite guys over on a first date.

The guy thinks for a minute and says: Well, what about the last date?

A man sat quietly reading his morning paper one Sunday morning. Suddenly, he is knocked almost senseless by his wife, who stands behind him holding a frying pan in hand.

- Man: What was that for?

- Wife: Why do you have a piece of paper in your pocket with "Daisy" written on it?

- Man: Oh honey, don't you remember two weeks ago when I went to the horse races? Marylou was the name of the horse I bet on.

The wife was satisfied, and appologized for bonking him.

Three days later he is again sitting reading the paper when once again he is bonked on the head.

- Man: What's that for this time?

- Wife: Your horse called.

My mother-in-law is like a fine French Impressionist painting.

She's very lovely, but is best appreciated at a distance.

A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.

He immediately apologized and explained:

- I'm sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.

- Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable son of a BITCH! - she screamed.

- Funny - he muttered.

- you even sound exactly like her.

- Doctor - the embarrassed man said.

- I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.

- Mr. Thomas, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do.

The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. The medic said:

- Take off your clothes, Mrs. Thomas.

- Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on.

The doctor took the husband aside. - You're in perfect health - he said.

- Your wife didn't give me an erection either.

A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife:

- Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth child never quite looked like the rest of our children. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take all that away. But,.. I must know, did he have a different father?...

The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed:

- Yes. Yes he did...

The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks:

- Who?.. Who was he? Who was the father?...

Again the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband.

Then, finally, she says:

- You.

Bob stood over his tee short on the 18th hole for what seemed like forever. He'd waggle, look down, look up, but never start his backswing. Finally David, his playing partner, asked:

- Why on Earth are you taking so long to make this shot?

- My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse, and I want to make this shot a good one - said Bob.

- Good Lord - said David.

- you haven't got a chance of hitting her from here.