Best jokes

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy, points to it and says:

- Mummy, what is that long thing?

His mother replies:

- That, son, is the elephant's trunk.

- No, at the other end.

- That, son is the tail.

- No, mummy, the thing under the elephant.

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies:

- That's nothing.

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied with her answer, asks his father the same question.

- Daddy, what is that long thing?

- That's the trunk, son - replies the father.

- No at the other end.

- Oh, that is the tail.

- No, no daddy, the thing below - asks the son in desperation.

- That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?

- Well mummy said it was nothing - says the boy.

- I tell you, I spoil that woman ... - replies the father.

A man calls his wife and says to her:

- Honey, I just got the chance of a lifetime to go on a week-long fishing trip with my boss. Could you pack up my things so that they will be ready when I get home?

- Sure, honey - his wife answers.

- Oh, and could you please pack my blue silk pyjamas?

- Sure, honey - his wife answers again.

The man comes home, picks up his things and takes off for the week. He returns a week later, smiling. His wife greets him at the front door:

- So honey, how was your fishing trip?

- It was great... - the husband answers.

- But you forgot to pack my blue silk pyjamas.

- No I didn't - said his wife.

- They were in your tackle box.

Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."

A funeral service is being held in a church for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall-bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan.

They open the casket and find that the woman is actually still alive. She lives for ten more years and then dies.

A ceremony is again held at the same church and at the end of the ceremony, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they are walking, the husband cries out:

- WATCH OUT FOR THAT WALL!

After the fall in Garden of Eden, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. They passed by the ruins of the Garden of Eden. One of the boys asked, "What's that?" Adam replied, "Boys, that's where your mother ate us out of house and home."

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.

- I bet you don't know what day this is - said the wife to her husband as he made his way out the front door.

The husband was perplexed, but was always a quick thinker:

- Of course I do, my dear. How could I forget!?

With that, he turned and rushed to catch the bus for work. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home.

The husband was smug when he returned from work, satisfied that he had recovered what could have been a very bad situation. His wife was indeed surprised:

- First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress! - she exclaimed.

- I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband:

- When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?

The husband replied:

- All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry.

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked:

- What are you thinking now?

He replied:

- It looks as if I did a pretty good job.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months - I don't like to interrupt her.

Jon left for a two day business trip to Chicago. He was only a few blocks away from his house when he realized he'd left his plane ticket on top of his dresser. He turned around and headed back to the house. He quietly entered the door, walked into the kitchen. He saw his wife washing the breakfast dishes, wearing her skimpiest negligee.

She looked so good that he tiptoed up behind her, reached out, and squeezed her left tit.

- Leave only one quart of milk - she said.

- Jon won't be here for breakfast tomorrow.