Best jokes

A guy bought his wife a beautiful diamond ring for Christmas. A friend of his said, "I thought she wanted one of those sporty 4-Wheel drive vehicles." "She did," he replied. "But where in the hell was I gonna find a fake Jeep?"

The young immigrant couple had just left the courthouse after being sworn in as American citizens.

- It is wonderful - the husband exclaimed.

- We are American citizens at last! Do you know what this means to us my dear wife?

- Yes, you male chauvinist pig - his wife replied.

- Tonight, you cook dinner and I get on top!

- Daddy? - the kid asked his father.

- Where did I come from?

- Ask your mother - he replied.

- I did - the kid said.

- But I don't think she was telling the truth. She said I came from a bucket.

- Hmmmm - chuckled his dad.

- That's about the size of it?

A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells:

- What the fuck are you doing?

- Just giving you an aspirin for your headache - The bloke answered.

- But I ain't got a headache - she yelled back.

- Good then, Lets fuck! - said the bloke.

A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.

- Hello, hello, hello! - he screamed at them.

- Aren't you talking to me? - his missus snapped.

Why is it so hard for women to find kind, sweet, sensitive men in this world?
→ Because they already have boyfriends!

A guy goes up to this girl in a bar and says:

- Would you like to dance?

The girl says:

- I don't like this song, but even if I did, I wouldn't dance with you.

The guy says:

- I'm sorry, you must have misunderstood me, I said you look fat in those pants.

John and Mary visit their pastor for marriage counseling. The pastor gets up and hugs Mary, and sits down. He gets up and hugs Mary a second, and third time, and then turns to John and says:

- See that, John. Mary needs that EVERY DAY!

John replies:

- Well, that's fine, Pastor. But I can't bring her over here except on Tuesdays and Thursdays.

One of the bachelors in the apartment development sneaked up behind an older woman, covered her eyes with his hands, and said:

- I'm going to kiss you if you can't tell me who I am in three guesses.

She quickly answered:

- George Washington! Thomas Jefferson! Abraham Lincoln!

The angry wife met her husband at the door. His breath stunk of alcohol and his face was plastered with lipstick.

- I assume - she barked.

- there is a very good reason for you to come drifting in at six o'clock in the morning?

- There is! - he replied.

- Breakfast.