Two men are approaching each other on a sidewalk. Both are dragging their right foot as the walk. As they meet, one man looks at the other knowingly, points at his foot and says:
- Vietnam, 1969.
The other hooks his thumb behind him and says:
- Dog shit, 20 feet back.
A man with a wooden eye was sitting at a bar one night.
He glanced across the room and noticed a very attractive woman with just one flaw, she had a very large nose. He was very self concious about his eye but got up the nerve to ask her for a dance:
- Would you like to dance with me? - he asked.
She replied:
- Would I! - and he sneered and told her:
- BIG NOSE!
A guy goes into a restaurant/lounge wearing a shirt open at the collar and is met by a bouncer who tells him he must wear a necktie to gain admission.
So the guy goes out to his car and he looks around for a necktie and discovers that he just doesn't have one. He sees a set of jumper cables in his trunk. In desperation he ties these around his neck, manages to fashion a fairly acceptable looking knot and lets the ends dangle free.
He goes back to the restaurant and the bouncer carefully looks him over for a few minutes and then says:
- Well, OK, I guess you can come in - just don't start anything.
There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink.
He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says:
- Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man crying.
- No, it's not that. Today is the worst day of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me.
When I left the building to go my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, said they could do nothing. I got a cab to go home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my wallet in the cab.
I got home only to find my wife with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ...
A man stops by a diner at noon, the busiest time of day, sits down at the counter and asks for a cup of coffee.
The waitress, who is very busy, gives him his coffee and rushes off to help the numerous customers having lunch at the diner.
The man, who uses both creamer and sugar in his coffee, notices that the container is empty. As the waitress rushes by, he asks her to bring him cream and sugar for his coffee. The waitress, busier than she can ever remember being before, rushes to the back to pick up more orders. As she passes the cabinet where the extra sugar and cream are kept, she sets a plate down and puts sugar cubes and creamer packets in her bosom because both her hands are full.
After she has served the two plates she was holding, she returns to the man and asks him:
- How many sugar cubes did you want in your coffee?
The man says:
- Two's fine.
She reaches into her bra, pulls out two sugar cubes and drops them into his cup.
- And cream? - she asks.
The man looks at her, squarely in the eye and says:
- You wouldn't dare!
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to fix some drinks. As he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel.
He picks it up and as he's looking at it, she walks back in. He says:
- What's this?
She says:
- Oh, my father's ashes are in there.
He turns beat red in horror and goes:
- Oh, well, er... I...
She says:
- Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray.
There were three men who were lost in the forest. They were then captured by cannibals. The cannibal king then told the prisoners that they could live if they pass the trial. First step of the trial is to go to the forest with the cannibals and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king:
- I brought ten apples.
The king then explains the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your ass without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten. The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain, so he was killed and went to heaven.
The second one arrives and shows the king his ten fruits were berries.
When the king explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be easy. 1... 2... 3... 4... 5... 6... 7... 8... on the ninth berry he burst out in laughter, therefore also was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked:
- Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?
The second one replied:
- I know, but I couldn't help it. I was doing just great when all of a sudden that third guy showed up with all those watermelons!
Two nuns go to a restaurant to have dinner. They notice Rocky Mountain Oysters on the menu and wondered what that was.
They ask the waiter who replies:
- Oh Sister, those are nuts.
She answers:
- Do you mean like the kind you crack with a rock?
- No. The kind you rock on a crack.
A man walks into a jewellers shop, unzips his trousers and places his tool upon the counter. The lady serving says: "I'm sorry Sir, this is a clock shop not a cock shop." "Well, put two hands and a face on this." replies the man.
Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.
She yelled at Ralph:
- Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!
Ralph looked out the window and said:
- I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!
Mary cried:
- If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!
So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.
One of the runners asked him:
- Do you always run in the nude?
Ralph answered, while gasping for air:
- Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.
The other runner then asked the nude man:
- Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?
Ralph answered breathlessly:
- Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!
The runner then asked:
- Do you always wear a condom when you run?
Ralph answered:
- Only if it's raining.
