Best jokes

Arnold and his wife were cleaning out the attic one day when he came across a ticket from the local shoe repair shop. The date stamped on the ticket showed that it was over eleven years old. They both laughed and tried to remember which of them might have forgotten to pick up a pair of shoes over a decade ago.

- Do you think the shoes will still be in the shop? - Arnold asked.

- Not very likely - his wife said.

- It's worth a try - Arnold said, pocketing the ticket. He went downstairs, hopped into the car, and drove to the store.

With a straight face, he handed the ticket to the man behind the counter. With a face just as straight, the man said:

- Just a minute. I'll have to look for these.

He disappeared into a dark corner at the back of the shop.

Two minutes later, the man called out:

- Here they are!

- No kidding? - Arnold called back.

- That's terrific! Who would have thought they'd still be here after all this time.

The man came back to the counter, empty-handed.

- They'll be ready Thursday - he said calmly.

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date.

He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in.

- Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat? - he says.

- That's cool - says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds:

- why don't you two go out and screw?

I hear all the kids are doing it. Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

- Yeah - says Carries father:

- Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!

Well, this just made Bobby's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

- Dammit Daddy! It's called the twist!

A woman gives birth to twins, a girl and a boy.

Her husband isn't there, and she doesn't want to name them without him seeing them first. But the hospital insists that the babies must be named by the end of the day. Crazy Uncle Louie overhears this and he names them (unbeknowst to the couple). Later the husband arrives, and the happy couple are set to name the babies when a nurse informs them that Uncle Louie already took care of that.

- Oh no! - they cry.

- He's crazy and doesn't know what he's doing. What names did he pick?

The nurse says:

- Well, he named the girl Deniece.

- Whew, not bad. In fact, that's nice.

And how about the boy?

- Denephew.

Weill and Mahoney had started with only five hundred dollars between them, but they had built up a computer business with sales in the millions. Their company employed over two hundred people, and the two executives lived like princes.

Almost overnight, things changed. Sales dropped sharply, former customers disappeared, and the business failed. Weill and Mahoney blamed each other for the troubles, and they parted on unfriendly terms. Five years later, Weill drove up to a decrepit diner and stopped for a cup of coffee. As he was wiping some crumbs from the table, a waiter approached. Weill looked up and gasped.

- Mahoney! - he said, shaking his head.

- It's a terrible thing, seeing you working as a waiter in a place like this.

- Yeah - Mahoney said, curling his lip.

- But I don't eat here.

A nosey neighbour remonstrated with the woman in the adjoining apartment.

- Mrs Smith, do you think it is right that a seventeen year old boy spends three hours every night in your apartment?

Mrs Smith replied:

- Its a platonic friendship. Its play for him and a tonic for me.

The Director of the Scottish Tartans Museum, Dr Michael MacDonald was in America. An old lady fixed her gaze on his 17th Century sporran and asked, "What, exactly, do you keep in your scrotum?"

- Miss Jones, we can't employ you as a model - the editor from the men's magazine explained.

- It's too obvious that your blonde hair isn't natural, since the hair between your legs is black.

The model picked up a paperweight and slammed it down on the editor's fingers.

- What the hell did you do that for! - he exploded.

She smiled sweetly and said:

- Look at your fingers. They're turning black, right? And they've only been banged once.

One day Pete was complaining to his friend:

- my elbow hurts. I better see a doctor.

His friend said:

- Don't do that. There's a computer in the drug store that can diagnose anything. It's quicker and cheaper than visiting a doctor. Simply put a urine sample in the machine and it will diagnose your problem and tell you what to do about it. It only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose so he filled a jar with a urine sample. He went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer started to make a weird nose and various lights began to flash. After a brief pause, a small slip of paper printed. It said: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor, it will be better in two weeks.

Later that evening, while thinking how amazing that computer was, Pete began to wonder if it could be fooled. He decided to give it a try.

He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masterbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, poured the sample into the machine and deposited $10.00. The machine again made the usual noise and printed out the following analysis: Your water is hard, get a softener. Your dog has worms, get him shots. Your daughter's using cocaine, get her into a rehab clinic. Your wife's pregnant, it's not yours, get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, Your tennis elbow will never get better!

One day a lady went to the doctor's office and told the doctor that her husband wasn't interested in her any more he just wouldn't have sex with her anymore.

So the doctor went into the back of the shop and got a bottle of 100 pills. He told her that:

- if you give your husband one of these pills then he would have sex with you.

So she bought the pills and took them home. She put one in his dinner and he ate it. They had sex till midnight. The next day she thought it was so good that she wanted some more. so she put two in his dinner and they had sex till twelve noon the next day.

She thought it was so good that she put all of the pills in his dinner and he ate it.

Three weeks later a little kid was outside screaming and a guy walked up to him and asked him what was wrong. The little kid said:

- My mom is dead, my sister is pregnant, my asshole hurts and my dad is in there on the floor saying, 'here kitty kitty kitty...'

The Mortitian arrived at the Mortuary one morning and was aproached by his assistant.

- Anything interesting happen over-night - asked the mortitian.

- Yes - replied the assistant:

- The most gorgeous 18 year-old blond came in last night. Dead of course

- What was the cause of death - enquired the mortition.

- I'm not sure - replied the assistant.

- But she's got a Prawn stuck up her cunt!

- Are you sure? - said the Mortitian.

- Yes, come and have a look for yourself - said the assistant opening the body bag.

The mortitian closely examined the beautifuly trimmed snatch.

- That's not a prawn you stupid wanker - he responded:

- That's her clitoris

- Are you sure? - said the assisitant:

- 'Cuz it certainly tasted like a prawn.