The doctor comes out of the delivery room and says to the father:
- I'm sorry to have to tell you this, Mr. Jones, but apparently your child was born with no arms, only one leg, and teeth that project six inches out of its mouth.
Mr. Jones cries:
- My God! What will we do with such a deformed baby?
The doctor says:
- Use it as a rake?
I was walking down an alley last night, when I heard, "Help! Help!" coming from behind a dumpster. Two thugs were trying to steal an old lady's handbag, but she putting up a Hell of a fight and wouldn't let go. I wondered if I should get involved, or keep walking and pretend I didn't see anything... I finally decided that I should help. It didn't take the three of us very long to get her handbag.
Jones is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad.
The toilet in his room isn't working, so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied, so he runs back up to his room, and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.
Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says:
- Dear Mr. Jones, All is forgiven. Just tell us... where is it?
The Lone Ranger and Tonto had been riding down the trail all day. When they had stopped to take a rest Tonto placed his ear to the ground and listened. "Buffalo come," remarked Tonto. "How can you tell, Tonto?" asked the Lone Ranger. "Face sticky."
Man in a pub:
- If you went camping and woke up in the morning with a bloody condom hanging out of your arse, would you tell anyone? - Other man, - Bloody hell, no!
First man:
- Want to come camping?
Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away.
- Where do you live? - asked the operator.
Bubba replied:
- At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.
The operator asked:
- Can you spell that for me?
There was a long pause and finally Bubba said:
- How 'bout if I drag her over to Oak Street and you pick her up there?
The new metro cop pulled a speeder who was zipping down Maple Avenue.
- Can I see your license and registration, bub? - the cop inquired.
- But officer, - the fellow started, - I can explain...
- Shut yer trap, bub! - snapped the officer.
- You're going downtown and sit a while till the sarge gets back.
- But, officer, I think you really should know...
- And I said to shut yer trap! You're going to jail!
A few hours later the cop looked in on his prisoner and said:
- Lucky for you that the sarge is at his daughter's wedding. He'll be in a good mood when he gets back.
- Don't count on it, - shot back the sap in the cell.
- I'm the groom.
Santa was delivering gifts as usual, when at one house a beautiful young woman was awaiting his arrival. She begged him to stay and cuddle with her on the couch.
Santa declined, saying:
- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents, you know.
Trying again, the lovely young thing removed her clothing down to her underwear.
- OH Santa, won't you please stay? - she begged.
Taking a long look, Santa sighed and delivered a not too believable:
- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.
Not to be denied, this gorgeous female stripped off every stitch of remaining clothing, smiled and said in the sexiest voice imaginable:
- Oh, Santa, please reconsider? Stay with me?
With a very pained look on his face, Santa groaned and said very slowly:
- Ho-ho, gotta go. Gotta deliver these presents you know.
And with that, he turned and left. Two minutes passed, and Santa reappeared, plopping himself down on the couch next to the beautiful girl.
- Santa! You decided to stay! - she exclaimed gleefully.
Santa grinned and said:
- Hey - hey, gotta stay. Can't get up the chimney THIS way!
A famous hypnotist was performing in a large auditorium full of students one night. He began to speak in a soft and steady voice over the loud-speaker system:
- Listen to the sound of my voice... - he kept repeating,
- the sound of my voice... every word is a command... the sound of my voice...
Pretty soon, he had every single student in the audience completely mesmerized, each one hanging on his every word.
Needing to take a quick piss, he announced:
- I will have to leave the stage for a moment, but you will all remain in a trance while I am gone
And then he repeated the words:
- the sound of my voice... every word is a command.
As he turned to go, he tripped over the microphone cord, landed on his butt, and yelled:
- SHIT!
- What happened? - asked the hospital visitor of the heavily bandaged man sitting up in bed.
- Well, I went down to Margate at the weekend and decided to take a ride on the roller coaster. As we came up to the top of the highest loop, I noticed a little sign by the side of the track. I tried to read it but it was very small and I couldn't make it out. I was so curious that I decided to go round again, but we went by so quickly that I couldn't see what the sign said. By now, I was determined to read that sign so I went round a third time. As we reached the top, I stood up in the car to get a better view.
- And did you manage to see what the sign said this time? - asked the visitor.
- Yes.
- What did it say?
- Don't stand up in the car!
