Best jokes

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks:

- Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

- Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, asks what he wants.

Rippington says:

- Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.

She hollers:

- TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!

Rippington says:

- I'll tell him.

Imagine you're in a room with no windows and no doors, how do you get out?
→ Stop imagining!

Girl woke up in the morning after a party and found an Elephant in bed beside her.

She said:

- I must have been tight last night.

The Elephant said:

- You were the first time but second time wasn't so bad.

Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork in his ass.

- How'd you get a cork in your ass?

- I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a red man in a turban came oozing out. He said: I am Tonto, Indian Genie. I can grant-um you one wish. And I said: No shit.

A cleaning woman was applying for a new position. When asked why had she left her previous employment, she replied, "Yes, sir, they paid good wages, but it was the most ridiculous place I ever worked. Last night they played a game called Bridge and a lot of folks were there. As I was about to bring in the refreshments, I heard a man say, 'Lay down and let's see what you've got.' Another man said, 'I've got strength but no length.' Another man says to the lady, 'Take your hand off my trick!'

"I pretty dropped dead just then, when the lady answered, 'You jumped me twice when you didn't have the strength for one raise.' Another lady was talking about protecting her honor. Another lady said, 'Now it's time for me to play with your husband and you can play with mine.'

"Well, I just got my hat and coat and as I was leaving, I hope to die if one of them didn't say, 'Well, I guess we'll go home now. This is the last rubber.'"

A man was wandering around a fairground and he happened to see a fortune-teller's tent. Thinking it would be good for a laugh, he went inside and sat down.

- Ah..... - said the woman as she gazed into her crystal ball.

- I see you are the father of two children.

- That's what you think - said the man scornfully.

- I'm the father of THREE children.

The woman grinned and said:

- That's what YOU think.

A woman walks into a shop that sells very expensive Persian rugs. She looks around and spots the perfect rug and walks over to inspect it. As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and hopes a sales person does not pop up at that moment. As she turns back, standing next to her is a salesman.

- Good day, how may we help you today?

Very uncomfortably, she asks:

- Sir, how much does this rug cost?

He answers:

- Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna shit in your pants when you hear what the price is.

A middle aged man, about 5 foot 8 inches tall, walks into a Walmart and asks where the pharmacy counter is. He is directed to it.

When he reaches it, he asks to see the pharmacist.

The pharmacist comes and the man, looking around furtively, asks quietly:

- Do you sell Viagra here?

The pharmacist answers firmly:

- Yes, sir. We certainly do.

The man then asks:

- Do you think I could get it over the counter?

The pharmacist thinks for a moment and then says:

- Perhaps, if you took five or six pills at once you might.

The dentist was called away from the dinner table to take an urgent phone call. It was Mr. Tuckerman, explaining that young Junior had gotten himself into quite a fix:

- See, he was kissing his girlfriend, and when my wife and I came back from the movies we found them stuck together.

- I'll come right over, Mr. Tuckerman - said the dentist calmly - and don't worry about a thing. I have to unlock teenagers' braces all the time.

Mr. Tuckerman whispered:

- Yes, but from an IUD?

A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?" The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence." The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"