Best jokes

Seems that the traveling salesman was driving in the country and his car broke down. He hiked several miles to a farm house, and asked the farmer if there was a place he could stay over night:

- Sure - said the farmer - my wife died several years ago, and my two daughters are 21 and 23 but they're off to college, and I'm all by my self, so I have lots of room to put you up.

Hearing this, the salesman turned around and started walking back towards the highway, and the farmer called after him....

- Didn't you hear what I said? I have lots of room.

- I heard you - said the salesman - but I think I'm in the wrong joke.

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks:

- Now, who is going to tell the wife?

They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is.

- Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me.

Rippington walks over to the Smith house and knocks on the door.

The wife answers and asks what he wants. Rippington says:

- Your husband just lost $500 playing cards.

She hollers:

- TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!

Rippington says:

- I'll tell him.

Sam has been in the computer business for 25 years and is finally sick of the stress. He quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alabama to be as far away from humanity as possible. Sam sees the mailman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise, it's total peace and quiet. After 6 months or so of almost total isolation, he's finishing dinner one day when someone knocks on his door. He opens it and there is a big, bearded man standing there:

- Name's Enoch... Your neighbor from four miles over the ridge... Having a party Saturday... Thought you'd like to come.

- Great - says Sam - after 6 months of this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thank you.

As Enoch is leaving he stops:

- Gotta warn you there's gonna be some drinking.

- Not a problem... After 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best of 'em.

Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops:

- More 'n' likely gonna be some fightin' too.

Damn, Sam thinks... Tough crowd.

- Well, I get along with people. I'll be there. Thanks again.

Once again Enoch turns from the door:

- I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too.

- Now that's not a problem - says Sam - Remember I've been alone for 6 months! I'll definitely be there... By the way, what should I wear?

Enoch stops in the door again and says:

- Whatever you want, just gonna be the two of us.

A young wife, her boorish husband and a young good looking sailor were shipwrecked on an island. One morning, the sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled:

- Stop making love down there!

- What's the matter with you? - the husband said when the sailor climbed down.

- We weren't making love.

- Sorry - said the sailor - From up there it looked like you were.

Every morning thereafter, the sailor scaled the same tree and yelled the same thing. Finally the husband decided to climb the tree and see for himself. With great difficulty, he made his way to the top. The husband says to himself:

- By golly he's right! It DOES look like they're makin' love down there!

A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train. After the initial embarrassment, they both manage to get to sleep; the woman on the top bunk, the man on the lower. In the middle of the night the woman leans over and says, "I'm sorry to bother you but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly pass me another blanket." The man leans out and, with a glint in his eye, says, "I've got a better idea... let's pretend we're married." "Why not?" giggles the woman. "Good," he replies. "Get your own blanket."

A department store had to call off its special summer sale in August because of a conflict -- its Christmas sale was beginning two days later.

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics.

He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy:

- Did you hear that Fluffy died?

The guy stumbles around and says:

- Um.. er.. no.. what happened?

The neighbor replies:

- We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him, we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the surrogate father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife and said:

- I'm off. The man should be here soon

Half an hour later, just by chance a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

- Good morning, madam. I've come to....

- Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you - Mrs. Smith cut in.

- Really? - the photographer asked.

- Well, good. I've made a speciality of babies

- That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat.

After a moment, she asked, blushing:

- Well, where do we start?

- Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out!

- Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me

- Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But, if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven different angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results

- My, that's a lot of..... - gasped Mrs. Smith.

- Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure

- Don't I know it - Mrs. Smith said quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures.

- This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London

- Oh my God! - Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.

- And these twins turned out exceptionally well, when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with

- She was difficult? - asked Mrs. Smith.

- Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look

- Four and five deep? - asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.

- Yes - the photographer said - And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in.

Mrs. Smith leaned forward:

- You mean squirrels actually chewed on your, um......equipment?

- That's right. Well, madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so we can get to work.

- Tripod?????

- Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold for very long. Madam? Madam? ....... Good Lord, she's fainted!!

Consider the following: Female guitar player shouting at her boyfriend in a crowded shopping mall: "Don't forget, sweetheart, I need a new G string!"

Paul got off the elevator on the 40th floor and nervously knocked on his blind date's door. She opened it and was as beautiful and charming as everyone had said:

- I'll be ready in a few minutes - she said.

- Why don't you play with Rollo while you're waiting? He does wonderful tricks. He rolls over, shakes hands, sits up and if you make a hoop with your arms, he'll jump through.

The dog followed Paul onto the balcony and started rolling over. Paul made a hoop with his arms and Rollo jumped through -- and over the balcony railing to the ground 40 floors down.

Just then Paul's date walked out:

- Isn't Rollo the cutest, happiest dog you've ever seen?

- To tell the truth - he replied - he seemed a little depressed to me.