Best jokes

Two teens had been lovers for a few weeks, but the boy was always after the girl to quit smoking. One afternoon, she lit up after some love making, and he said:

- You really ought to quit.

She, getting tired of his nagging, said:

- I really enjoy a good cigarette after sex.

He replied:

- But they stunt your growth. She asked if he ever smoked, and he replied that he had never.

Smiling and lifting her gaze to his groin, she said:

- So, what's your excuse then?

Two men were talking to each other about how pussy tastes.

The first guy said:

- I think it tastes like cherry pie.

The other guy said:

- I think it tastes like shit.

Then the first guy said:

- You are supposed to turn her over.

What's green and smells like pig?
→ Kermit's fingers.

What is the most insensitive part of a penis?
→ The man.

There were two people having sex in a car. They finished up and the guy threw the condom out the window. His girlfriend got mad at him, she wanted to go again. So he got out of the car and went to find the condom. He found that a little boy had found it and when he asked for it back the boy refused.

- C'mon - he begged:

- I'll give u a dollar.

- Well - the little boy thought:

- Okay.

So the little boy ran home.

- Mom, you'll never guess what just happened! I sold this guy a twinky for a dollar, but I tricked him. I sucked the cream out of it first!

How come Mike Tyson's eyes always water during sex?
→ Mace...

A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure -- she was shaking and foaming at the mouth. Our uninformed male thought this was incredible -- best sex he'd ever had.

He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied:

- I think her orgasm's stuck!

This guy was walking down a street in Texas and this hooker says:

- Say, wanna have a good time? We do things in a big way down here in Texas.

- Sure - he says and they were off to the nearest motel. She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.

She says:

- Is this the first pussy you've seen since you crawled out of one?

The guy says:

- No, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into.

An army private went to see the Medical Captain for a new pair of glasses. The Captain looked in his book of record and said:

- But you just got a new pair last month!

- Yes sir, b.. b.. but I got them b..broken in an accident - stammered the private.

- Accident, what kind of an accident?

The Captain looked in his book of Accident definitions and glossaries:

- Road-march accident, Firing Range accident, PT accident, Drill accident?

- No, no, none of those... - said the private.

- Well then, what is it?

- I'd rather not tell you, sir...

- Well, no satisfactory explanations, no new glasses - said the medical officer, ready to stand up.

- I've to see my patients now.

- No, no sir, wait, I broke them when I was kissing my girl - blurted the private.

- Don't be daft man, how could you break your glasses kissing a girl?

- You see, she crossed her legs.....

What do people do for fun on Halloween?
→ They monsterbate.