A man walks into a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total loss and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend:
- What's happened to your car?
- Well - the friend responses.
- I ran into a lawyer.
- OK - says the man.
- that explains the blood... But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?
- Well, I had to chase him all through the park.
An old man was critically ill. Feeling that death was near, he called his lawyer.
- I want to become a lawyer. How much is it or the express degree you told me about?
- It's $50,000 - the lawyer said.
- But why? You'll be dead soon, why do you want to become a lawyer?
- That's my business! Get me the course!
Four days later, the old man got his law degree. His lawyer was at his bedside, making sure his bill would be paid.
Suddenly the old man was racked with fits of coughing and it was clear that this would be the end. Still curious, the lawyer leaned over and said:
- please, before it's too late, tell me why you wanted to to get a law degree so badly before you died?
In a faint whisper, as he breathed his last, the old man said:
- One less lawyer . . .
A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says:
- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'
- But why? - asks the man.
- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies.
At a jury trial with the jury consisting of 8 men and 4 women:
- Defendant: Your Honor, I wish to change my plea.
- Judge: Is someone using undue influence to prompt you to change your mind?
- Defendant: No sir, when I pleaded Not Guilty I didn't know there would be women on the jury. Since I can't even fool my wife, I'll never be able to fool the four women jurors.
What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
→ A Doberman.
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.
A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.
- All set back here, Captain - came the reply.
- except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he'd finally managed an affair with the innkeeper's daughter.
Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short.
There sat his lover with an infant in her lap!
- Helen, why didn't you write when you learned you were pregnant? - he cried.
- I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!
- Well - she said.
- when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin' and talkin' and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer!
How are lawyers like sperm?
→ One out of a million turns out to be a human being.
A defending attorney was cross examining a coroner.
The attorney asks:
- Before you signed the death certificate had you taken the man's pulse?
The coroner says:
- No.
The attorney then asks:
- Did you listen for a heart beat?
- No.
- So when you signed the death certificate you had not taken any steps to make sure the man was dead, had you?
The corner, now tired of the brow beating says:
- Well, let me put it this way. The man's brain was sitting in a jar on my desk, but for all I know he could be out there practicing law somewhere.
What do you get when you cross a lawyer and a pig?
→ Nothing, there's some things even a pig won't do!
