Best jokes

Taylor was desperate for business, and was happy to be appointed by the court to defend an indigent defendant. The judge ordered Taylor:

- You are to confer with the defendant in the hallway, and give him the best legal advice you can.

After a time, Taylor re-entered the courtroom alone. When the judge asked where the defendant had gone, Taylor replied:

- You asked me to give him good advice. I found out that he was guilty as hell, so I told him to split.

An elderly patient needed a heart transplant and discussed his options with his doctor. The doctor said:

- We have 3 possible donors; the 1st is a young, healthy athlete who died in an automobile accident, the 2nd is a middle-aged businessman who never drank or smoked and who died flying his private jet. The 3rd is an attorney who died after practicing law for 30 years. Which do you want?

- I'll take the lawyer's heart - said the patient.

After a successful transplant, the doctor asked the patient why he had chosen the donor he did.

- It was easy - said the patient.

- I wanted a heart that hadn't been used.

The scene is a dark jungle in Africa. Two tigers are stalking through the brush when the one to the rear reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The startled tiger turns around and says:

- Hey! Cut it out, alright!

The rear tiger says:

- sorry, and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger again reaches out with his tongue and licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and cuffs the rear tiger and says:

- I said stop it! The rear tiger says:

- sorry, and they continue.

After about another five minutes, the rear tiger once more licks the ass of the tiger in front. The front tiger turns around and asks the rear tiger:

- What is it with you, anyway?

The rear tiger replies:

- Well, I just ate a lawyer and I'm trying to get the taste out of my mouth!

"You seem to have more than the average share of intelligence for a man of your background," sneered the lawyer at a witness on the stand. "If I wasn't under oath, I'd return the compliment," replied the witness.

A tough case was being argued in court. The defense attorney, feeling that he was in trouble, sent the judge a bottle of hundred-year old brandy. The defendant was fit to be tied.

"The judge'll kill me. Trying to bribe him! We're dead!"

- I don't think so - his attorney told him. I sent it in the other lawyer's name!

- Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?

- Defendant: No, I did not.

- Prosecutor: Do you know what the penalties are for perjury?

- Defendant: Yes, I do. And they're a heck of a lot better than the penalty for murder!

What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50?
→ Your Honor.

A man came storming out of the courthouse ranting and raving; obviously really angry. He stomped accross the street and into the bar and flounced down on a stool muttering:

- Asshole attorneys. The man next to him recoiled in outrage saying:

- I want you to know I highly resent that remark.

- Why, are you an attorney?

- No, I'm an asshole.

What happens when a lawyer takes viagra?
→ He gets taller!!

What did the lawyer name his daughter?
→ Sue.