Best jokes

These translations are for all of you wonderful women out there, so that you will know what we really mean when we say...

"IT'S A GUY THING"
→ "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
→ "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR"
→ Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
→ "I have no idea how it works."

"TAKE A BREAK, HONEY. YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD."
→ "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
→ "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
→ "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop,' the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned... but I forgot your birthday."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF. IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
→ "I have actually severed a limb but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING."
→ "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
→ "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
→ "What did you catch me at?"

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
→ "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK."
→ "I make the messes; she cleans them up."

Some reasons why a modem is better than a woman:

- A modem doesn't ask for a commitment if you use it.

- Getting a modem to obey you is as simple as typing "AT".

- When you're done using your modem, you can roll over and go to sleep without feeling guilty.

- A modem won't say a word if you come home late.

- A modem can't collect alimony if you decide to dump it.

- A modem will always wait patiently by the phone.

- You can always get a few bucks for an old modem when a faster model comes out.

- A modem doesn't mind if you call another modem.

- A virus you catch from your modem doesn't require a trip to the doctor.

- You don't have to bring a modem home to meet your parents.

- If an error occurs, Abort, Retry or Fail are the only options you have to worry about.

- Modems come with an instruction manual.

- Modems have a volume control - you can even turn the sound OFF.

Reasons why it's great to be a woman

- Free drinks.

- Free dinners.

- Free movies.

- Speeding ticket? What's that?

- New lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.

- If you have to be home in time for Melrose Place, you can say so, out loud.

- If you're not making enough money you can blame the glass ceiling.

- You can sleep your way to the top.

- You can sue the President for sexual harassment.

- It's possible to live your whole life without ever taking a group shower.

- No fashion faux pas you make could rival The Speedo.

- Brad Pitt.

- No one passes out when you take off your shoes.

- Excitement is only as far away as the nearest beauty-supply store.

- If you forget to shave, no one has to know.

- If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.

- You have the ability to dress yourself.

- If you marry someone twenty years younger, you're aware that you look like an idiot.

- You'll never have to punch a hole through anything with your fist.

- You can quickly end any fight by crying.

- Your friends won't think you're weird if you ask whether there's spinach in your teeth.

- There are times when chocolate really Can solve all your problems.

- You've never had a goatee.

- You'll never regret piercing your ears.

- You can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.

- You know which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.

- You get to hate Kathie Lee in the way only another woman truly can.

Continuing Education Courses for Women

- Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before.

- The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits.

- Parties: Going Without New Outfits.

- Man Management: Discover How Minor Household Chores Can Wait Until After the Game.

- Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too.

- Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor Is His.

- Valuation: Just Because It's Not Important to You . . .

- Communication Skills I: Tears-The Last Resort, Not the First.

- Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking.

- Communication Skills III: Getting What You Want, Without Nagging.

- Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire.

- Party Etiquette: Drinking Your Fair Share.

- Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up.

- Introduction to Parking.

- Advanced Parking: Reversing Into A Space.

- Overcoming Anal Retentive Behavior: Leaving the Towels on the Floor.

- Water retention: Fact or Fat.

- Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter.

- Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not For Human Consumption.

- Cooking III: How Not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People.

- Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully.

- Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To.

- Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have.

- Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice.

- Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together.

- Ballet: For Women Only.

- Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both.

- Appreciating the Humor of the Three Stooges.

- "Do These Jeans Make Me Look Fat?" - Why Men Lie.

- TV Remotes: For Men Only.

WOMEN'S COMPACT INSTRUCTION BOOK

Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.

Remember you are known by the idiot you accompany.

Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.

What do you do if your boyfriend walks out?
→ You shut the door.

So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.

If they can put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all there.

Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.

Never let your man's mind wander - its too little to be left out alone.

Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

Never marry a man for money. You'll have to earn every penny.

Definition of a bachelor: A man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him check books.

A man's idea of serious commitment is usually, "Oh all right, I'll stay the night".

Women sleep with men who, if they were women, they wouldn't even have bothered to have lunch with.

Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means you laugh at his.

If he asks you if you if you're faking it tell him no, you're just practicing.

When he asks you if he's your first tell him, "You may be, you look familiar."

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.
We need to talk... = I need to complain
Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.
I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.
Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.

In response to "What's wrong?":
The same old thing = Nothing
Nothing = Everything
Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!

In response to the seminar offerings by the female staff, the male staff has created a set of courses for females of all marital status. The following courses will be offered:

General Education

- GE101: Why the Toilet Seat Has Hinges

- GE102: Checkbook Balancing (formerly "Remedial Third Grade Arithmetic")

- GE103: How to Drive a Nail Without Breaking One

- GE104: How to Parallel Park

- GE105: Why Going to the Bathroom is Not a Group Activity

- GE106: Road Maps and Other Crutches for Spineless Wimps

- GE107: Why a Bad Sports Telecast is Better Than a Good Soap Opera

Home Economics

- HE101a: Over-Laundering - Why Clothing Wears Out Premature

- HE101b: Over-Vacuuming - Why Carpets Wear Out Prematurely

- HE101c: Over-Dusting - Why Furniture Wears Out Prematurely

- HE101d: Over-Washing - Why Dishes Wear Out Prematurely

- HE102: How to Avoid Spending Money You Don't Have (formerly "How to Cut Credit Cards in Half")

- HE103: Overcoming "The Imelda Syndrome" (formerly called "How Many Feet Do You Have, Anyway?")

Interpersonal Relationships

- IR101: How to Say "No" With Kindness and Appreciation

- IR102: Why Men Enjoy Grocery Shopping About As Much As Women Enjoy Watching Roller Derby

- IR103: Submission - a Biblical Perspective (prereq: SE101a or b)

- IR104: Marriage - The Number One Cause of Divorce

- IR105: Preposterous Mood Swings (PMS) (formerly "Keeping Your Personal Problems from Ruining Everyone Else's Life Too")

- IR106: Understanding Men's Revulsion to Tampon Commercials (formerly called "We Know What That Little 'Plastic Applicator' is REALLY For!")

One night, a few co-workers at the computer data centre where I work stayed late and we all started to get hungry. We decided to order in food by phone, but our boss thought that, since we work with computers, it would be more appropriate to order by Internet. After we contacted a fast food chain's web site and spent a long time registering as new customers for the delivery service, a message appeared on the screeen: "Thank you for your business. You will be able to order food in three days."

Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, "I don't understand a thing."

To cheer him up, the instructor said:

- Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!

In July, a Jackson Center, Pa., woman reported that someone used a ladder to climb into the second story of her home and that all that was missing was $10 worth of diapers, despite the presence of jewelry and antiques in the same room.