Best jokes

A man was walking in the city, when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking bum who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner. The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked:

- If I gave you this money, will you take it and buy whiskey?

- No, I stopped drinking years ago - the bum said.

- Will you use it to gamble?

- I don't gamble. I need everything I can get just to stay alive.

- Will you spend the money on greens fees at a golf course?

- Are you NUTS! I haven't played golf in 20 years!

The man said:

- Well, I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you to my home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife.

The bum was astounded.

- Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad.

The man replied:

- That's OK. I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up drinking, gambling, and golf.

It seems there was this couple from Minneapolis, Minnesota, who decided to go to Miami Beach for a few days to thaw out during one particularly cold winter. The airlines have crazy frequent flyer rules, and the wife ended up on a flight the day after her husband.

The husband made it down to Florida and arrived at his hotel. Upon getting to his room, he decided to open his laptop and send his wife back in Minneapolis an email. Unfortunately, he didn't notice he had misspelled his wife's email address.

In South Carolina, a widow had just returned from the funeral of her husband, a Methodist pastor of many years, who had been called to glory just a few days earlier. She decided to check her email because she was expecting to hear from relatives and friends. Upon reading the first email, she let out a loud scream, fainted and fell to the floor.

The woman's son rushed into the room and found his mother on the floor. He glanced up at the computer screen and saw the following email message:

To My Loving Wife:
I've just been checked in. Everything has been prepared for your arrival here tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then.
Your Devoted Husband.
P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

- I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?

His new bride said:

- No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night.. whether you're here or not.

A hillbilly family took a vacation to New York City. One day, the father took his son into a large building. They were amazed by everything they saw, especially the elevator at one end of the lobby.

The boy asked:

- What's this, Paw?

The father responded:

- Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is!

While the boy and his father were watching in wide-eyed astonishment, an old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened again, and a voluptuous twenty-four-year old woman stepped out.

The father turned to his son and said:

- Go get your maw!

- You recycle your own toilet paper

- Your mom has to shave more times a month than your dad

- You see a bill board that says "Don't do crack" and it reminds you to pull up your pants.

- You stare at a carton of orange juice because it says "concentrate."

- Your bumper sticker reads: "One more Whore and We Get Gore."

- The nativity scene you set up in your yard at Christmas includes two pink flamingos and baby Jesus lying in a painted tire.

- Most of your teeth are on a chain around your neck.

- You hunt from your bedroom window.

- Your dad walks you to school because you're in the same grade.

- You refrigerate your food stamps.

- You use a 10 penny nail to pick your teeth after a night of road kill.

- You have ever dressed your child as a "Snot-rag" for Halloween.

- Your idea of a loaded dishwasher is getting your wife drunk.

- You and your spouse get divorced and you are still relatives.

- You go to your local ice cream store and order Copenhagen "sprinkles" on your cone.

- You know instinctively that red wine goes with opossum.

- You're always looking to find your Mother-in-Law's picture on the back of a milk carton!

- The officer that just pulled you over asks if "you have any I.D."..and you respond "About whut?"

- You take a beer to a job interview.

- You are caught roll'n your trailer down the street to jump start the heater.

- When you finish eatin' your bologna you use the rind for dental floss.

- You go to Goodwill to meet women.

- You and your friends are putting an engine in a pickup, drinking beer, and the conversation is: Which county jail has the best food!

Kudzu is green, my dog's name is Blue
And I'm so lucky to have a sweet thang like you.
Yore hair is like cornsilk, a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass, which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales, but I luv you anyway.
You're as graceful as okry, jist a-dancin' in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as SunDrop right out of the can.

You have all yore teeth, for which I am proud
I hold my head high when we're in a crowd.
On special occasions, when you shave yore armpits,
Well, I'm in hawg heaven, I'm plumb outta my wits.

And speakin' of wits, you've got plenty fer shore.
'Cuz you married me back in '74.
Still them fellers at work they all want to know,
What I did to deserve such a purty, young doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape, yo're there fer yore man,
To patch up life's troubles and stick 'em in the can.
Yo're as strong as a four-wheeler racin' through the mud,
Yet fragile as that sanger named Naomi Judd.

Yo're as cute as a junebug a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like no far ant upon which I oft' tread.
Cut from the best pattern like a flannel shirt of plaid,
You sparked up my life like a Rattletrap shad.

When you hold me real tight like a padded gunrack,
My life is complete
Ain't nuttin' I lack.
Yore complexion, it's perfection, like the best vinyl sidin'.
Despite all the years, yore age, it keeps hidin'.

And when you get old like a '57 Chevy,
Won't put you on blocks and let grass grow up heavy.
Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie, with a RC cold drank,
We go together like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate for Valentine's Day
They git it at Wal-Mart
It's romantic that way.
Some men git roses on that special day,
From the cooler at Kroger.
"That's impressive," I say.
Some men buy fine diamonds from a flea market booth.
"Diamonds are forever," they explain, suave and couth.

But for this man, honey, these will not do.
For you are too special, you sweet thang you.
I got you a gift, without taste nor odour,
Better than diamonds, it's a new trollin' motor

Exclamations

- "Well knock me down and steal muh teeth!"

- "Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit."

Threats

- "I'll slap you so hard, your clothes will be outtastyle."

- "This'll jar your preserves."

- "Don't you be makin' me open a can o' whoop-ass on ya!"

Good Things/Compliments

- "Cute as a sack full of puppies."

- "If things get any better, I may have to hire someone to help me enjoy it."

- "Gooder than grits."

The Weather

- "It's so dry, the trees are bribing the dogs."

- "It's been hotter'n a goat's butt in a pepper patch."

- Wintry roads are said to be "slicker than otter snot."

Descriptions

- A bothersome person is "like a booger that you can't thump off."

- When something is bad then you say, "that ain't no count."

- If something is hard to do, it's "like trying to herd cats."

- "He ran like his feet was on fire and his ass was catchin."

- A hectic schedule keeps you "Busier than a cat covering crap on a marble floor."

Insults

- "She's uglier than homemade soap."

- "Your momma's so fat, when she stepped up on the scale to be weighed, it said 'To be continued.'"

- "He fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down."

- "Uglier than a lard bucket full of armpits."

- "The wheels still turning, but the hamsters dead"

Any insulting statement is always followed by "bless his/her heart." Example: "She's dumber than a door knob, bless her heart."

- One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York

- One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago

- One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston

- One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California

- With gun in lap: L.A.

- Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.

- Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy

- One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle

- One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male

- One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male

- One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female

- Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado

- One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.

- Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.

- Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um"

A bartender was washing glasses one afternoon when an elderly Irishman came in. With great difficulty, the Irishman hoisted his bad leg over the barstool, pulled himself up painfully, and asked for a sip of Irish whiskey. The Irishman looked down the bar and said:

- Is that Jesus down there?

The bartender nodded, so the Irishman told him to give Jesus an Irish whiskey, too.

The next patron to come in was an ailing Italian with a hunched back, who moved very slowly. He shuffled up to the barstool and asked for a glass of Chianti. He also looked down the bar and asked if that was Jesus sitting at the end of the bar. The bartender nodded, so the Italian said to give Him a glass of Chianti, too.

The third patron to enter the bar was a redneck, who swaggered into the bar and hollered:

- Barkeep, set me up a cold one! Hey, is that God's Boy down there?

The barkeep nodded, so the redneck told him to give Jesus a cold one, too.

As Jesus got up to leave, he walked over to the Irishman and touched him and said:

- For your kindness, you are healed!

The Irishman felt the strength come back to his leg, so he got up and danced a jig out the door.

Jesus touched the Italian and said:

- For your kindness, you are healed!

The Italian felt his back straighten, so he raised his hands above his head and did a flip out the door.

Jesus walked toward the redneck, but the redneck jumped back and exclaimed:

- Don't touch me! I'm drawing disability!

The out-of-state couple are camping on the shores of a lake near a tiny hamlet. The young wife, stunningly built, decides to give the local town folk a thrill by sun bathing in the nude.

- That's OK with me, honey - says her husband.

- I'll go get some wood for the fire.

About thirty minutes later, the husband returns to the campsite and finds his wife in tears. One of her breasts has been painted green, the other red and her ass is blue.

- What on earth happened to you dear? - he asks.

- Some of those rednecks from town came over and told me they don't allow any nakedness around these parts. Then they gave me this paint job!

- Damn those trouble-makers! I'll fix them! - the husband shouts.

He rides into town and finds the rednecks in a bar.

- Who is the SOB who painted my wife red, green and blue! - he shouts.

A huge redneck, about 6'-8, steps forward, a shotgun in his hand.

- I did it - he bellows.

- What you got to say about it?

The husband answers meekly:

- I just wanted you to know the first coat of paint is dry.