Best jokes

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing Love stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. His curiosity getting the better of him, he goes up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing.

The man says:

- I'm sending out 1,000 Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'

- But why? - asks the man.

- I'm a divorce lawyer - the man replies.

A man left from work one Friday afternoon. But, being payday, instead of going home, he stayed out the entire weekend partying with the boys and spending his entire paycheck. When he finally appeared at home, Sunday Night, he was confronted by a very angry wife and was barraged for nearly two hours with a tirade befitting his actions.

Finally his wife stopped the nagging and simply said to him:

- How would you like it if you didn't see me for two or three days?

To which he replied:

- That would be fine with me.

Monday went by and he didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday came and went with the same results. Come Thursday, the swelling went down just enough where he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

A woman arrives home from work and her husband notices she's wearing a diamond necklace. He asks his wife:

- Where did you get that necklace?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, the woman arrives home from work wearing a diamond bracelet. Her husband asks:

- Where did you get the bracelet?

She replies:

- I won it in a raffle at work. Go get my bath ready while I start dinner.

The next day, her husband notices she arrives home from work wearing a mink coat. He says:

- I suppose you won that in a raffle at work?

She replies:

- Yeah I did! How did you guess? Go get my bath ready while I start supper.

Later after supper, she goes to take her bath and she notices there is only one inch of water in the tub. She yells to her husband:

- HEY! There's only an inch of water in the tub.

He replies:

- I didn't want you to get your raffle ticket wet.

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat. He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too. He says to him:

- Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes mind if I ask how you got yours?

The other guy says:

- Well, it just happened, it was a tongue twister accident. See, I was at the ticket counter and this gorgeous blonde with the most massive breasts in the world was there. So, instead of saying, 'I'd like two tickets to Pittsburgh,' I accidentally said, 'I'd like two pickets to Tittsburgh'....so she socked me a good one.

The first guy replied:

- Wow! This is unbelievable. Mine was a tongue-twister too. I was at the breakfast table and I wanted to say to my wife, 'Please pour me a bowl of Frosties, honey.' But I accidentally said, 'You have ruined my life you evil, self-centered, fat-assed bitch.'

A couple walking in the park noticed a young man and woman sitting on a bench, passionately kissing.

The wife said:

- Why don't you do that?

Her husband replied:

- Honey, I don't even know that woman!

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said:

- Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die.

- Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal he can take to work. And for dinner, prepare an especially nice meal for him.

- Don't burden him with chores, as this could further his stress. Don't discuss your problems with him it will only make his stress worse. Try to relax your husband in the evening by wearing lingerie and giving him plenty of backrubs.

- Encourage him to watch some type of team sporting event on television. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim. If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife:

- What did the doctor say?

She replied:

- You're going to die.

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, Mother of Six, in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts across the room at the top of his voice:

- Shall we go home Mother of six?

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back:

- Anytime you're ready, Father of Four.

He said:

- I don't know why you wear a bra you've got nothing to put in it.

She said:

- You wear briefs, don't you?

He said:

- Do you love me just because my father left me a fortune?

She said:

- Not at all honey, I would love you no matter who left you the money.

He said:

- Since I first laid eyes on you, I've wanted to make love to you in the worst way.

She said:

- Well, you have succeeded.

He said:

- You have a flat chest and need to shave your legs, have you ever been mistaken for a man?

She said:

- No, have you?

He said:

- Why do you women always try to impress us with your looks, not with your brains?

She said:

- Because there is a bigger chance that a man is a moron than he is blind.

He said:

- Let's go out and have some fun tonight.

She said:

- Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

Rosemary had been divorced for a few years and was finding life very lonely. Finally, after much persuasion, she consented to go out on a date with Andy, a gentleman her daughter fixed her up with. Andy picked her up and they went to a very secluded spot to have a picnic. Andy had also been divorced for quite some time and found himself very attracted to Rosemary. Despite her initial resistance to his advances, he finally suceeded in making love to her.

Rosemary was mortified at her lack of self-control and sobbed:

- I don't know how I'm going to face my daughter, knowing that in a time of weakness, I sinned twice!

- What do you mean, twice? - Andy asked. - We only did it once.

- Well, you're going to do it again, aren't you? - Rosemary asked.

A wife arrived home and found her husband in bed with another woman. With superhuman strength borne of fury, she dragged him out of the house, into the tool shed in their back yard and put his penis in a vice. Securing it tightly and removing the handle of the vice, she then picked up a hacksaw.

Terrified, her husband screamed:

- Stop! Please! You aren't going to cut it off, are you?

Placing the saw in her husband's hand and with a gleam of revenge in her eye, the wife replied:

- Of course not! I'm going to set fire to the shed. You do whatever you have to do!