Best jokes

Some men in a pickup truck drove to a lumber yard.

One of the men walked into the office and said:

- We need some four-by-twos.

The clerk asked:

- You mean two-by-fours, don't you?

The man said:

- I'll go check, and went back to the truck.

He returned shortly and said:

- Yeah, I meant two-by-four.

- All right. How long do you need them?

The customer paused for a moment and said:

- I'd better go check.

After a while, he returned to the office and said:

- A long time. We're gonna build a house...

An old priest got sick of everyone in his parish confessing adultery.

During one Sunday's sermon he told them:

- If one more person confesses to adultery, I'll quit!

Since everyone liked him, they decided to use a code word: "fallen."

From then on, anyone who had committed adultery said they had "fallen."

This satisfied the old priest and the parishioners, and everything was fine for years, until finally the old priest passed away at the ripe old age of 93.

Shortly after the new young priest settled in, he paid a call on the mayor. The priest was quite concerned:

- You have to do something about the sidewalks in this town, Mayor. You can't believe how many people come into the confessional talking about having fallen!

The mayor started to laugh, realizing that no one had explained their code word to the new priest.

But before the mayor could explain, the priest shook his finger at the mayor and said:

- I don't know why you're laughing; your wife fell three times last week!

The teacher was telling her 4th grade class about today's lesson:

- I'll say a letter of the alphabet and you give me a word that starts with that letter. Let's begin. A

All the children raise their hands, but little Johnny was almost coming out of his seat trying to get picked. The teacher knew Johnny had a filthy mouth and thought to herself that if she picked Johnny, he would give her a word like 'ass' or 'asshole'. She picked Wendy, and Wendy said:

- apple

- Very good - said the teacher - now B.

Johnny was jumping out of his seat again, but the teacher picked Bobby. Bobby said:

- ball

This went on and on with Johnny trying to get picked for each letter and the teacher knowing there was a dirty word for it. Then she got to "R". Nobody but Johnny had their hands up.

The teacher thought and thought and couldn't think of a bad word that started with "R". So she picked Johnny.

Johnny stands up and says:

- R...

- Rat...a big, fat, fuckin' Rat!

A man asked his wife:

- What would you most like for your birthday?

She said:

- I'd love to be ten again.

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a theme park. He put her on every ride in the park, the Death Slide, The Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear. Everything there was, she had a go.

She staggered out of the theme park five hours later, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Into McDonald's they went, where she was given a Double Big Mac with extra fries and a strawberry shake. Then off to a movie theater, more burgers, popcorn, cola and sweets. At last she staggered home with her husband and collapsed into bed.

Her husband leaned over and asked:

- Well, dear, what was it like being ten again?

One eye opened and she groaned:

- Actually I meant dress size.

There was a group of scientists and they were all sitting around discussing which one of them was going to go to God and tell Him that they didn't need him anymore.

One of the scientists volunteered and went to go tell God he was no longer needed.

The scientist says to God:

- God, you know, a bunch of us have been thinking and I've come to tell you that we really don't need you anymore. I mean, we've been coming up with great theories and ideas, we've cloned sheep, and we're on the verge of cloning humans. So as you can see, we really don't need you.

God nods understandingly and says:

- I see. Well, no hard feelings. But before you go let's have a contest. What do you think?

The scientist says:

- Sure. What kind of contest?

- A man-making contest - God.

- Sure! No problem - the scientist.

The scientist bends down and picks up a handful of dirt and says:

- Okay, I'm ready!

God replies:

- No, no, no... You go get your own dirt.

A man who isn't qualified keeps pestering this tailor about giving him a job selling suits. Finally, the owner tells him if he can sell this one green suit he will give him a job.

Another employee points out to owner that they have had that suit on the rack for four years, and that it is such an ugly, green suit that nobody would ever buy it.

The owner replies:

- Yah, I know. That's my way of getting rid of that pest!

Two hours later the new guy calls his boss for his next assignment.

The owner cannot believe it and heads down to the store to see how this fellow did it. Upon arrival he sees his new salesman bleeding, scratched, and his clothes torn in several places, but smiling.

- Congratulations, the job is yours! Nobody has come close to selling that old, ugly, green suit. But tell me, what in the world happened to you?

- Well - replied the salesman - the guy that bought the suit loved it... said it fit him great. As far as my injuries go, he had this really sensitive seeing-eye dog!

Several elderly nuns were in their second floor convent one night when a fire broke out.

They took their habits off, tied them together to make a rope, and climbed out the window.

After they were safely on the ground and out of the building, a news reporter came over to one of the nuns and said to her:

- Weren't you afraid that the habits could have ripped or broken since they are old?

The nun Replied:

- Nah, don't you know old habits are hard to break!!

A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning.

The wife (a blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said:

- How should I know, that's 200 miles from here! and hung up.

Curious, the husband said:

- Who was that?

And his lovely wife replies:

- I don't any idea who it was. It was some stupid woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'

A new young blonde bride calls her mother in tears.

She sobs:

- Robert doesn't appreciate what I do for him.

- Now, now - her mother comforted:

- I am sure it was all just a misunderstanding.

- No, mother, you don't understand. I bought a frozen turkey roll and he yelled and screamed at me about the price!

- Well, the nerve of that lousy cheapskate! - says her mom.

- Those turkey rolls are only a few dollars.

- No, mother it wasn't the price of the turkey, it was the airplane ticket.

- Airplane ticket.... What did you need an airplane ticket for?

- Well mother, when I went to fix it, I looked at the directions on the package and it said - 'Prepare from a frozen state,' so I flew to Alaska!

The preacher rose with a red face.

- Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian family!

No one moved.

The preacher continued:

- Do you not have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood. Remember, you will be forgiven and in our heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression!

Again all was quiet.

Slowly a "drop dead" gorgeous blonde with a body that would not stop rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke:

- Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding.

- I never said you were a member of the Klu Klux Klan.

- I told a couple of friends you were a wizard under the sheets.