Best jokes

20. The cucumber has left the salad.
21. I can see the gun of Navarone.
22. Someone tore down the wall, and your Pink Floyd is hanging out.
23. You've got Windows on your laptop.
24. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
25. Your soldier ain't so unknown now.
26. Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
27. You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
28. Paging Mr. Johnson... Paging Mr. Johnson...
29. Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
30. Elvis Junior has LEFT the building!
31. Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
32. Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
33. The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
34. Dr. Kimble has escaped!
35. You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
36. Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction...
37. You've got a security breach at Los Pantalones.
38. I'm talking about Shaft, can you dig it?
39. I thought you were crazy, now I can clearly see your nuts.

A guy goes into a bar and says:

- Quick, gimme a beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks around the sleepy bar, shrugs and hands the guy a bottle of beer.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick! gimme another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman looks at the guy oddly but hands another beer to the guy.

The guy drinks it fast:

- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman hands him another beer, with a frown on his face, but hands it over reluctantly.

Again, the guy drinks it fast:

- Quick another beer before the trouble starts!

The barman replies:

- Look pal, exactly what trouble are you talking about?

- I haven't got any money!

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy.

They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard.

They searched for days and couldn't find her. So the captain sent the old man home with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the ship.

It read:

- Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife had died in the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck, and found an oyster attached to her butt. Inside it was a pearl worth $50,000.

- Please advise?

The old man faxed back: Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap!

A neatly dressed salesman stopped a man in the street and asked:

- Sir, would you like to buy a a bottle of this mouthwash for $200.00?

Aghast, the man said:

- are you NUTS?, that's robbery!

The salesman seemed hurt and then tries again:

- Sir, since you are a bit irate, I'll sell it to you for 1/2 price at $100.00?

Again, the man replies bluntly:

- you must be crazy pal, now go away!

The salesman then reaches into his briefcase and pulls out 2 brownies and begins munching away on one of them. He tells the irate guy:

- Sir, please share one of my brownies since I have annoyed you so much.

Unwrapping the brownie, the guy takes a bite; suddenly, the guys spits it out and says:

- HEY - he snarled - this brownie tastes like crap!!!

- It is - replied the salesman.

- Wanna buy some mouthwash?

An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said:

- Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times. By the way, where is your restroom?

The bartender quickly replies:

- The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.

Three men are traveling in the Amazon: a Canadian, an American, and a Mexican.

They get captured by a fierce tribe of Amazons.

The tribe leader tells them they will be whipped for entering their territory. The tribe chief says to the Candian:

- What do you want on your back for your whipping?

The Canadian responds:

- I will take oil!

So they put oil on his back, and a large Amazon whips him 10 times.

When he is finished the Canadian has these huge welts on his back, and he can hardly move.

The Amazons haul the Canadian away, and say to the Mexican:

- What do you want on your back?

- I will take nothing!, I will take my punishment like a real man! - says the Mexican, and he boldly stands there and takes his 10 lashings without a single flinch.

Finally, it's the Yank's turn and the tribal chief asks:

- What will you take on your back?

And he responds:

- I'll take the Mexican!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar one day and sat down to drink a beer.

After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said:

- Who owns the big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gunbelt, and said:

- I do. Why?

The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said:

- I just thought you would like to know that your horse is just about dead outside!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and, sure enough, Silver was about dead from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got him some water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.

The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said:

- Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better.

Tonto said:

- Sure Kemosabe - and took off running circles around Silver. Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink.

A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and announces:

- Who owns that big white horse outside?

The Lone Ranger stands again and claims:

- I do. What is wrong with him this time?

The cowboy says to him:

- Nothing much, I just wanted you to know - you left your Injun running...

New Year's Resolutions for Internet Junkies...

- I will try to figure out why I really need 9 e-mail addresses.

- I will stop sending e-mail to my wife (husband).

- I resolve to work with neglected children -- my own.

- I will answer my snail mail with the same enthusiasm with which I answer my e-mail.

- I will stop sending e-mail, ICQ, Instant Messages and be on the phone at the same time with the same person.

- I resolve to back up my 12GB hard drive daily...well, once a week... okay, monthly then...or maybe...

- I will spend less than one hour a day on the Internet. This, of course, will be hard to estimate since I'm not a clock watcher.

- When I hear "Where do you want to go today?" I will not reply "MS Tech Support."

- When I hear a funny joke I will not reply, "LOL... LOL!"

- I will read the manual... just as soon as I can find it.

- I will think of a password other than "password."

- I will stop checking my e-mail at 3:00 in the morning... 4:30 is much more practical.

- I resolve... I resolve to... I resolve to, uh... I resolve to, uh, get my, er...

- I resolve to, uh, get my, er, off-line work done, too!

Conduct During the Holiday Season...

Running aluminum foil through a paper shredder at Kinko's to make tinsel is discouraged.

Playing Jingle Bells on a neighbor's push-button phone during a party is forbidden. (It runs up an incredible long distance bill.)

Rental cars are not to be used to go "over the river and through the woods to Grandma's house."

Endlessly singing "Frosty, the Snowman" under your breath at the mall will result in "no presents" this year.

All fruitcake is to be eaten before July 25, 2001.

Laced Eggnog will not be secreted in Pepsi cans.

Letting Grampa play "Santa" in long underwear dyed red is discouraged.

Several children are still in therapy as a result of last year's "incident" when Flopsy, Mopsy and Peter Cottontail made an unexpected "appearance."

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.

The teenager tells her:

- Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!

and out she goes.

The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die.

She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.

- Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets.