Best jokes

Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?
→ The Wheelchair!

Do you know why the Cincinnati Bengals were the last NFL team to get a website?

Because they couldnt put three W's in a row.

A baby turtle was standing at the bottom of a large tree and with a deep sigh, started to climb. About an hour later, he reached a very high branch and walked along to the end. He turned and spread all four flippers and launched himself off the branch. On landing at the bottom in a pile of soft, dead leaves, he shook himself off, walked back to the bottom of the tree and with a sigh started to climb.

About an hour later, he again reached the very high branch, walked along, turned, spread his flippers and flung himself off the branch. Again, he landed on the bottom, shook himself off, went to the bottom of the tree, sighed and started climbing. Watching these proceedings from the end of the branch were two little birds. Mummy bird turned to Daddy bird and said:

- Don't you think it's time we told him he was adopted?

• You believe the staff room should be equipped with a Valium salt lick.
• You find humor in other people's stupidity.
• You want to slap the next person who says "Must be nice to work 8 to 3:20 and have summers free."
• You believe chocolate is a food group.
• You can tell if it's a full moon without ever looking outside.
• You believe "Shallow gene pool" should have its own box in the report card.
• You believe that unspeakable evils will befall you if anyone says "Boy, the kids sure are mellow today."
• When out in public you feel the urge to snap your fingers at children you do not know and correct their behavior.
• You have no life between August to June.
• When you mention "Vegetables" you're not talking about a food group.
• You think people should be required to get a government permit before being allowed to reproduce.
• You wonder how some parents ever MANAGED to reproduce.
• You believe in aerial spraying of Prozak.
• You believe no one should be permitted to reproduce without having taught in an elementary setting for the last 10 years.
• You've ever had your profession slammed by someone who would "Never DREAM" of doing your job.
• You think caffeine should be available in intravenous form.
• You know you are in for a major project when a parent says "I have a great idea I'd like to discuss. I think it would be such fun."
• You want to choke a person when he or she says "Oh, you must have such FUN everyday. This must be like playtime for you."
• Meeting a child's parent instantly answers the question "Why is this kid like this?"

Below are questions that people "actually asked" of Park Rangers around the country, proving once again that there is no known limit to the depths of human stupidity.

(Source: Outside Magazine)

Grand Canyon National Park...

• Was this man-made?
• Do you light it up at night?
• I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom -- where is it?
• So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park...

• Are the alligators real?
• Are the baby alligators for sale?
• Where are all the rides?
• What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Denali National Park (Alaska)...

• What time do you feed the bears?
• Can you show me where the yeti lives?
• How often do you mow the tundra?
• How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Mesa Verde National Park...

• Did people build this, or did Indians?
• Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
• What did they worship in the kivas -- their own made-up religion?
• Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
• Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park...

• How much of the cave is underground?
• So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
• Does it ever rain in here?
• How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
• So what is this -- just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park...

• Where are the cages for the animals?
• What time do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
• Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Yellowstone National Park...

• Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
• How do you turn it on?
• When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
• We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all to give speaches to the Deaf Society. All are keen to make an impression on their audience.

The Englishman goes first and to the surprise of his colleagues starts by rubbing first his chest and then his groin. When he finishes the Scotsman and Irishman ask him what he was doing.

- Well, - he explained - By rubbing my chest I indicated breasts and thus Ladies and by rubbing my groin I indicated balls and thus Gentlemen. So my speech started Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Scotsman thought to himself I'll go one better than that English bastard and started his speech by making an antler symbol with his fingers above his head before also rubbing his chest and his groin.

When he finished his colleagues asked what he was doing.

- Well, - he explained - By imitating antlers and then rubbing my chest and groin I was starting my speech by saying Dear Ladies and Gentlemen.

On his way up to the podium the Irishman thought to himself I'll go one further than those mainland bastards and started his speech by making an antler symbol above his head, rubbing his chest, and then his groin, and then masturbating furiously.

When he finished his colleagues asked him what he was doing.

- Well, - he explained - by imitating antlers, rubbing my chest and then my groin and then masturbating I was starting my speech by saying - Deer Ladies and Gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure.......

The following is a college entrance exam for athletes.

Time Limit: 3 Days.

Write Your Name: (20 point bonus if spelled correctly).

1. What language is spoken in Germany?
2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions - OR - Give the FIRST name of Michael Jordan.
3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to
   (a) build a bridge
   (b) lead an army or
   (c) WRITE A PLAY
4. What religion is the Pope? (check only one)
   (a) Jewish
   (b) Catholic
   (c) Hindu
   (d) Polish
5. Advanced Math: How many feet is 0.0 meters?
6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 12?
7. How many commandments was Moses given? (approximately)
8. What are people in America's far NORTH called?
   (a) Westerners
   (b) Southerners
   (c) NORTHerners
9. Spell the name of the current President of the US. (George Bush)
10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.
11. Where does rain come from?
    (a) Wall Mart
    (b) Kmart
    (c) Canada
    (d) the sky
12. Can you explain Einstein's Theory of Relativity?
    (a) yes
    (b) no
13. What are coat hangers used for?
14. The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for which country?
15. Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium -OR- spell your name in Capital Letters.
16. Where is the basement in a four story building located?
17. Which part of America produces the most oranges?
    (a) Minnnesota
    (b) Florida
    (c) Canada
    (d) Wisconsin
18. More advanced math. If you have three pears, how many pears do you have?
19. What does NBC (National Broadcasting Corp.) stand for?
20. The Cornell University tradition for efficiency began when (approximately)?
    (a) B.C
    (b) A.D.

Love 'em or hate 'em, it's Pun time. Puns, or "groaners" like some folks like to call them are fun. Try 'em on your friends and relatives, but keep a straight face when you tell them and be preapared for GROANS... then you'll see why they are called so... enjoy and pass 'em on!

Energizer Bunny arrested; charged with battery.

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

A pessimist's blood type is always b-negative.

My wife really likes to make pottery, but to me it's just kiln time.

Dijon vu: the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating: always use condiments.

I fired my masseuse today. She just rubbed me the wrong way.

A Freudian slip is when you say one thing but mean your mother.

Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.

I used to work in a blanket factory, but it folded.

I used to be a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the ax.

If electricity comes from electrons, does that mean that morality comes from morons?

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Marriage is the mourning after the knot before.

A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

Corduroy pillows are making headlines.

Is a book on voyeurism a peeping tome.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Banning the bra was a big flop.

Sea captains don't like crew cuts.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

A successful diet is the triumph of mind over platter.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A gossip is someone with a great sense of rumor.

Without geometry, life is pointless.

When you dream in color, it's a pigment of your imagination.

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading whilst sunbathing makes you well-red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a dog.

- Doctor: Sit on the couch and we will talk about it.

- But I'm not allowed up on the couch!

- Doctor, Doctor You've got to help me - I just can't stop my hands shaking!

- Doc: Do you drink a lot?

- Not really - I spill most of it!

- Doctor, Doctor Have you got something for a bad headache?

- Doc: Of course. Just take this hammer and smash yourself in the head.

- Then you'll have a bad headache.

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm God!

- Doc: When did this start?

- Well first I created the sun, then the earth, then the...

- Doctor, Doctor I keep getting pains in the eye when I drink coffee!

- Doc: Have you ever tried it by taking the spoon out FIRST?

- Doctor, Doctor will this ointment clear up my spots?

- Doc: I never make rash promises!

- Doctor, Doctor I keep thinking I'm a frog!

- Doc: So what's wrong with that?

- I think I'm going to croak!

Driving to the office this morning on the Interstate, I looked over to my left and there was a woman in a brand new Mustang doing 65 miles per hour with her face up next to her rear view mirror putting on her eyeliner!

I looked away for a couple seconds and when I looked back she was halfway over in my lane, still working on that makeup!!! It scared me (I'm a man) so bad, I dropped my electric shaver, which knocked the donut out of my other hand.

In all the confusion of trying to straighten out the car using my knees against the steering wheel, it knocked my cell phone away from my ear which fell into the coffee between my legs, splashed and burned Big Jim and the Twins, ruined the damn phone and DISCONNECTED AN IMPORTANT CALL!

WOMEN DRIVERS!!!!!!!!!!!!!