Best jokes

Seems a guy was driving for hours thu desolate country when he passed a farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him and splat!... he flattened the cat.

Out of kindness and consideration, he stopped, turned around and drove back to the farmhouse to notify the occupants.

When the housewife came to the door, said he:

- Pardon me, madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed that it must belong to you. I know this might be hard to hear, but I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off....

- Not so fast - says she.

- How do you know it was our cat? Could you describe him? What does he look like?

The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said:

- He looks like thts - as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

- Oh no, you horrible man - she replied.

- I meant, what did he look like before you hit him?

The man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and screamed:

- Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!

Leroy is given a homework assignment. Still befuddled by the whole school thing, Leroy is a trooper. He was given another set of vocabulary words to use in sentences.

Here's what he handed in:

HONOR ROLL - We was playin poker on the stoop the other day, man I was HONOROLL.

PLANET - I got me some seed to grow weed, so I PLANET in the backyard.

DISMAY - I went for a blood test, the doctor pulled out a big needle. He said:

- DISMAY hurt a little.

OMELETTE - Every time I start a new job, OMELETTE go after a week.

STAIRWAY - When me and my homies get high, we STAIRWAY into space.

MOBILE - I went to buy crack, I was short on cash, my man said:

- Gimme one MOBILE.

DEFENSE - I ran from the cops, and hopped DEFENSE and got away.

AFRO - I got so mad at my girly, AFRO a lamp at her.

AFTERMATH - I like to be high in school, so AFTERMATH I go to the field and smoke weed.

LOCKET - I slam the door so hard, I LOCKET.

DOMINEERING - My girly's birthday was yesterday, I got her a DOMINEERING.

KENYA - I needed change fo the subway, so I axe a stranger KENYA spare some change.

DERANGE - DERANGE is where da deer and antelope play.

DATA - At my basketball game, I scored thirty points. My coach said:

- DATA boy!

COPULATE - I called 911 and an hour later when they show up, I said:

- COPULATE!

FASCINATE - My girly's boobs are so big. Her shirt has ten buttons, she can only FASCINATE!

BEWARE - I asked the man at the unemployment office:

- Is this BEWARE I get a job?

COATROOM - The judge said:

- One more outburst like that, and you'll be thrown out the COATROOM.

DECIDE - I like Wanda and Yolanda, but I like to have a couple of babes on DECIDE.

A bored guy sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation.

He turns to bartender and says:

- Hey, about those Democrats in the Congress . ..

- STOP pal - I don't allow talk about politics in my bar! - interrupted the bartender.

A few minutes later the guy tried again:

- People say about the Pope ...

- NO religion talk, either - the bartender cuts in.

One more try to break the boredom...

- I thought the Yankees would...

- NO sports talk... That's how fights start in bars! - the barman said.

- Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?

- Sure, that we can talk about - replies the barkeep.

- GREAT... GO SCREW YOURSELF!

Two guys are out hunting deer...

The first guy says:

- Did you see that?... pointing to the sky.

- No - the second guy says.

- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead! - the first guy says.

- Oh - says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, pointing to a far ridge, the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- See what? - the second guy asks.

- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there!

- Yah, Ok - says the second guy again with a bit of irritation in his voice.

A few minutes later the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

This time pointing behind them.

By now, the second guy is getting very aggravated and says:

- Yah, I SAW IT!

And the first guy says:

- Then why did you step in it?

These two hunters went moose hunting every year without success.

Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. (emphasis on fool) They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose. The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull.

So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call. Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest.

They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing. As the bulls' pounding hoof beats got closer the guy in front said:

- OK, lets get out and get him!

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts:

- THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO!?!

The front guy says:

- Well, I'm gonna start nibbling grass, but you better start to brace yourself!

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted.

Bob, the owner, had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob's warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once.

The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

- He wanted something for his cough but I couldn't find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once - John explained.

- Ex-Lax won't cure a cough! - Bob shouted angrily.

- Sure it will - John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post.

- Just look at him. He's afraid to cough!

A Blonde airhead goes for a job interview in an office.

The interviewer starts with the basics.

- So, Miss, can you tell us your age, please?

The blonde counts carefully on her fingers for half a minute before replying:

- Ehhhh... 22!

The interviewer tries another straightforward one to break the ice.

- And can you tell us your height, please?

The young lady stands up and produces a measuring tape from her handbag. She then traps one end under her foot and extends the tape to the top of her head. She checks the measurement and announces:

- Five foot two!

This isn't looking good so the interviewer goes for the real basics; something the interviewee won't have to count, measure, or lookup.

- Just to confirm for our records, your name please?

The airhead bobs her head from side to side for about ten seconds, mouthing something silently to herself, before replying:

- MANDY!

The interviewer is completely baffled at this stage, so he asks:

- What in the world were you doing when I asked you your name?

- Ohhhh, that! - replies the airhead... I was just running through that song - 'Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear...'

An old man and his wife have gone to bed.

After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says:

- Seven Points.

His wife rolls over and says:

- What in the world was that?

The old man replied:

- It's fart football!

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says:

- Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!

Not to be out done the wife rips another one and says:

- Touchdown, tie score!

Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says:

- Fieldgoal, I lead 17 to 14!

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says:

- What the heck was that?

The old man replied:

- Half-time, Switch sides!

A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost.

He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.

He descended a bit more and shouted:

- Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.

The woman below replied:

- You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.

- You must be an engineer - said the balloonist.

- I am - replied the woman.

- How did you know?

- Well, everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help so far. - answered the balloonist.

The woman below responded:

- You must be in management.

- I am - replied the balloonist.

- but how did you know?

- Well, you don't know where you are or where you are going. You have risen to where you are, due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault! - said the woman.

My love for you... it came and went.
So your feet are now in wet cement.

I'm here To fulfill your fondest wishes
Now that your husband sleeps with the fishes.

Lie down with me -- it's my final offa,
Or you'll be lying wit' Jimmy Hoffa.

I picked up this card from a slim selection
But that's all they offer here in witness protection.

Be my Valentine, and we can do it execution-style.

Cinderella got her fella, with a slipper made of glass;
So please be mine, Valentine, or I'll have to whack your ass.

Violets are blue, roses are red,
I blew up your car -- So why ain't you dead?

The day we met, my little pet, I knew with just one look
You'd bear a son, and now that's done, So shut your mouth and cook!

Youse da greatest. Youse da best.
But you're as untouchable as Elliot Ness.

Lust is fleeting, true love lingers.
Be mine always and you'll keep your fingers.

Hope da chocolates is good, but y'know, dis ain't really what a guy's heart looks like.

When a goon makes you die,
Cuz you told him goodbye -- that's amore!