Best jokes

This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is dead and the guy panics. He thinks the neighbor is going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed up rabbit into the house and gives it a bath, blow dries its fur and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor's house, hoping they will think it died of natural causes.

A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy:

- Did you hear that Fluffy died?.

The guy stumbles around and says:

- Um.. er.. no.. what happened?.

The neighbor replies:

- We just found him dead in his cage one day. But the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!

Two old guys were fishing in a boat on Lake Michigan. A bottle comes floating by in the current. One codger scoops it up, sees a cork in the top, and yanks it out.

A genie pops out in a puff of smoke and says:

- You get one wish between the two of you--make it a good one.

The old man in the front of the boat yells back to his fishing buddy.

- Lemme handle this--I know just what to ask for!

He looks at the genie and says:

- We want the whole lake to be turned into ice cold beer!

The genie nods and says:

- You got it, boys!

And instantaneously, the whole lake is beer!

The old man in the back of the boat throws a life preserver, smacks his buddy up-side the head, and yells out:

- You idiot! Why the heck did you do that?

- Whadaya talking about? - the other fisherman answers.

- I thought you'd like a lake-full of beer. What's the problem?

- I do like it...but the problem is...now we gotta piss in the boat!!!!

1. Cover your stump before you hump.
2. Before you attack her, wrap your wrapper.
3. Don't be silly, protect your willy.
4. When in doubt, shroud your spout.
5. Don't be a loner, cover your boner.
6. You can't go wrong if you shield your dong.
7. If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it.
8. If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey.
9. If you slip between her thighs, be sure to condomize.
10. It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter.
11. She won't get sick if you wrap your dick.
12. If you go into heat, package your meat.
13. While you're undressing venus, dress up that penis.
14. When you take off her pants and blouse, be sure to suit up your trouser mouse.
15. Especially in December, gift wrap your member.
16. Never, never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.
17. Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool.
18. The right selection! Protect your erection.
19. Wrap it in foil before checking her oil.
20. A crank with armor will never harm her.
21. If you really love her, wear a cover.
22. Don't make a mistake! Muzzle your snake.
23. Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener.
24. If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket.
25. No glove, No love.
26. Don't be in such a jiffy, cover your stiffy.
27. AIDS is no joke, be sure to wrap before you poke.
28. Even though you're tired and sleepy, take the time to wrap your pee-pee.
29. You know you should wear a condom on that woody.

Dilbert's "Salary Theorem" states that:

- Engineers and scientists can never earn as much as business executives and sales people.

This theorem can now be supported by a mathematical equation based on the following two postulates:
Postulate 1: Knowledge is Power.
Postulate 2: Time is Money.

As every engineer knows: Power = Work / Time
And since: Knowledge = Power
And: Time = Money
It is therefore true that Knowledge = Work / Money
Solving this equation for Money, we get: Money = Work / Knowledge
Thus, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of the amount of Work done.

Conclusion: The less you know, the more you make.

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man:

- Aren't they cute, what are their names?

The man giving the lady an angry look replied:

- I don't know.

The lady asked again:

- Which is a boy and which is a girl?.

The man looking angrier than before replied:

- I don't know.

The woman then started to scold the man:

- What kind of a father are you?.

The man replied:

- I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company.

Over drinks one evening two gentleman were having a discussion about the charms, or lack there-of of the super model Stephanie Seymour.

- I say she's highly over-rated - said one:

- Take away her eyes, her lips, her legs and that figure, and what have ya got?

- My wife - said the other with a heavy sigh!

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the countryside with a pet dog which he loved and doted on. After many long years of companionship, the dog finally died so Muldoon went to the parish priest:

- Father, my dear old dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?

Father Patrick replied:

- I am so very sorry to hear about your dog's death. But, unfortunately we cannot have services for an animal in the church. However, there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal.

Muldoon said:

- I'll go right now. Do you think $500 is enough to donate for the service?

Father Patrick:

- $500? - Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?!

There was a guy who was struggling to decide what to wear to go to a fancy costume party.

Then he had a bright idea.

When the host answered the door, he found the guy standing there with no shirt and no socks on... just a pair of pants.

- What the hell are you supposed to be? - asked the host.

- A premature ejaculation - said the man:

- I just came in my pants!

There was a mine in a small town that completely collapsed. One of the engineers who miraculously survived the disaster went into the local watering hole. The bar was empty except for one lonely soul at the other end of the bar.

- Hey bartender - said the Engineer:

- I'll have a beer and pour another one for my friend down at the end there.

The bartender responded:

- I'm sorry sir but that guy's a commie and we don't serve his kind around here.

- Well, you'd better because if it weren't for that guy, I wouldn't be here. You remember that mine that caved in, well I was in that mine and so was that guy. When the last of us were escaping, he held the roof of the mine up with his head! So get him a beer and if you don't believe me, look at the top of his head and you'll see that it's flat from holding the roof up.

The bartender skeptically served the commie his beer and then came back to talk to the Engineer:

- I saw the flat spot on his head but I also couldn't help noticing the bruising under his chin. What is that all about?

The Engineer responded:

- Oh...that's where we put the jack.

Sid and Barney head out for a quick round of golf. Since they are short on time, they decide to play only 9 holes. Sid offers Barney:

- let's say we make the time worth the while, at least for one of us, and spot $5 on the lowest score for the day.

Barney agrees and they enjoy a great game. After the 8th hole, Barney is ahead by 1 stroke, but cuts his ball into the rough on the 9th.

- Help me find my ball, you look over there - he says to Sid.

After 5 minutes, neither has had any luck, and since a lost ball carries a four-point penalty, Barney pulls a ball from his pocket and tosses it to the ground.

- I've found my ball! - he announces triumphantly.

Sid looks at him forlornly:

- After all the years we've been friends, you'd cheat me on golf for a measly five bucks?!?

- What do you mean cheat? I found my ball sitting right here!

- And a liar, too!!! - Sid says with amazement.

- I'll have you know I've been standing on your ball for the last five minutes!