Best jokes

Indifference will be the downfall of mankind, but who cares?

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

10. "The Man Who Died of Old Age"
11. "How Cujo Got His Groove Back"
12. "Here's Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon"
13. "Vacuumstarter"
14. "The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office"
15. "The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee --He Didn't Drink It, But What If He Did?"
16. "The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover"
17. "Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Friday's"
18. "Hi I'm Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons"
19. "Satan's Independent Prosecutor"

At a recent Sacramento PC User's Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled:

- Format C: Return.

Someone else chimed in:

- Yes, Return

Unfortunately, the software worked...

Drink

- 17: beer

- 25: bourbon

- 35: vodka

- 48: double vodka

- 66: Maalox

Seduction Line

- 17: My parents are away for the weekend.

- 25: My girlfriend is away for the weekend.

- 35: My fiancee is away for the weekend.

- 48: My wife is away for the weekend.

- 66: My second wife is dead.

Favorite Sport

- 17: sex

- 25: sex

- 35: sex

- 48: sex

- 66: napping

Definition of a Successful Date

- 17: "tongue"

- 25: "breakfast"

- 35: She didn't set back my therapy.

- 48: I didn't have to meet her kids.

- 66: Got home alive.

Favorite Fantasy

- 17: getting to third

- 25: airplane sex

- 35: menage a trois

- 48: taking the company public

- 66: Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

What's the Ideal Age to Get Married?

- 17: 25

- 25: 35

- 35: 48

- 48: 66

- 66: 17

Ideal Date

- 17: Triple Stephen King feature at a drive-in

- 25: Split the check before we go back to my place

- 35: Just come over.

- 48: Just come over and cook.

- 66: Sex in the company jet on the way to Vegas.

1. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
2. I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sound they make as they go flying by.
3. Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
4. I'd explain it to you, but your brain would explode.
5. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
6. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
7. Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.
8. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
9. Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't need him again.
10. I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
11. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
12. My Reality Check bounced.
13. On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
14. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier.
15. You're slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
16. Do not meddle in the affairs of dragons, 'cuz, like, you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.
17. Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
18. Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

Great Reasons To Be A Guy!

- Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.

- You know stuff about tanks.

- A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

- You can open all your own jars.

- Dry cleaners and hair cutters don't rob you blind.

- You can go to the bathroom without a support group.

- You don't have to learn to spell a new last name.

- You can leave the motel bed unmade.

- You can kill your own food.

- You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.

- Wedding plans take care of themselves.

- If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.

- Your underwear is $10 for a three-pack.

- If you are 34 and single nobody notices.

- Everything on your face stays its original color.

- You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger's seat.

- Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

- You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

- Car mechanics tell you the truth.

- You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking: "He must be mad at me."

- Gray hair and wrinkles only add character. (WHAT???? LOL..)

- Wedding dress -- $2000. Tuxedo rental -- 75 bucks.

- You don't mooch off other's desserts.

- You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

- If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

- Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with, "So, notice anything different?"

- You are not expected to know the names of more than five colors.

- You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

- You almost never have strap problems in public, unless you play professional ball, and then for some reason it's okay.

- You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

- The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

- You don't have to shave below your neck.

- At least a few belches are expected and tolerated.

- Your belly usually hides your big hips.

- One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.

- You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.

- You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

- Christmas shopping can be accomplished for 25 relatives, on December 24th, in 45 minutes.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY TRICK OR TREATING IS BETTER THAN SEX

10. You are guaranteed to get at least a little something in the sack.
11. If you get tired, you can wait 10 minutes and go at it again.
12. The uglier you look, the easier it is to get some.
13. You don't have to compliment the person who gives you some.
14. It's O.K. when the person you're with fantasizes you're someone else, because you are.
15. Forty years from now you'll still enjoy candy.
16. If you don't like what you get, you can always go next door.
17. It doesn't matter if the kids hear you moaning and groaning.
18. Less guilt the morning after.
19. YOU CAN DO THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.

Top 10 Halloween Things That Sound Dirty...

10. She's a goblin!
11. I'd like to get a little something in the sack.
12. Let me see your bag.... OH!-You're having a great night!
13. Just get on your hands and knees and bob your head.
14. She's got a couple of nice pumpkins on her porch
15. If you just lick it, it'll last longer.
16. Show me your JuJuBees and I'll let you see my Zagnuts.
17. Have your mom check it before you put it in your mouth,
18. You scared me stiff!
19. He's got Candy spread out on the living room floor!

ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:

- 12% Monday

- 23% Tuesday

- 40% Wednesday

- 20% Thursday

- 5% Friday

BLOOD IS THICKER THAN WATER AND TASTIER, TOO.

FAILURE IS NOT AN OPTION! It comes bundled with the software.

I want to die while asleep like my Grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

I can't dial 911. There's no 11 on my phone.

Kentucky: Five Million People, Fifteen Last Names.

JESUS LOVES YOU. It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was, "Always".

What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Can you yell "MOVIE!" in a crowded firestation?

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

If ignorance is bliss, why aren't more people happy?

1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis Movies. 1975 - 1998: Nothing.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.

Don't get married. Find someone you hate and buy them a house.

Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.

I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.

Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder. Or, dirty martini holder.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

The trouble with life is there's no background music.

THE BILL OF RIGHTS... (Void where prohibited by law)

If women can have PMS, then men can have ESPN.

The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.

First draw the curve, then plot the data.

A FOOL AND HIS MONEY can throw one hell of a party.

IF THERE IS NO GOD, WHO POPS UP THE NEXT KLEENEX?

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

REMEMBER, HALF THE PEOPLE IN THE WORLD ARE BELOW AVERAGE.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

WHERE THERE'S SMOKE, THERE'S DINNER.

OTHER THAN THAT, MRS.. LINCOLN, HOW WAS THE PLAY?

Losing a wife can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.