Best jokes

What did the snail say when he climbed onto the turtles back?
→ WHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was this guy, let's call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, "wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!" Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender:

- do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?

and the bartender said to another person that was there:

- hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!

One day, little Timmy was at school and heard the word "shit". He went home and asked his dad for the definition and he promptly told him:

- coats and jackets.

Timmy went to school the next day and heard the word "fucking", and for a second time, asked his father what it meant. His father promptly said:

- cooking.

Then, he returned to school the third day and heard the words "bitches and hoes". He went home and his father told him it meant:

- grandpa and grandma.

Later, on Thanksgiving night, his grandparents came over.

Timmy answered the door with glee and says:

- Hey bitches and hoes! I'll take your shit to the closet cause dad's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding?
→ To keep the flies off the bride!

Tips on Love (by kids, 5-10 years of age):

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED??

- Eighty-four, Because at that age, you don't have to work anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in your bedroom. - (Judy, 8)

- Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a wife. - (Tom, 5)

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE??

- On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date. - (Mike, 10)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE??

- You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to have videos of the wedding. - (Jim, 10)

- Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few hours. - (Kally, 9)

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED??

- It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need somebody to clean up after them - (Lynette, 9)

- It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a kid. I don't need that kind of trouble. - (Kenny, 7)

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE

- No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are so popular. - (Jan, 9)

- I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful. - (Harlen, 8)

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE

- Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life. - (Roger, 9)

- If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I don't want to do it. It takes too long. - (Leo, 7)

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE

- If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful. - (Jeanne, 8)

- It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet. - (Gary, 7)

- Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long time. - (Christine, 9)

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS

- They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they paid good money for them. - (Dave, 8)

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE

- I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'Sesame Street' is on television. - (Anita, 6)

- Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls keep finding me. - (Bobby, 8)

- I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade hard enough. - (Regina, 10)

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER

- One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills. - (Ava, 8)

SOME SURE FIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU

- Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores. - (Del, 6)

- Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love. - (Alonzo, 9)

- One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me. - (Bart, 9)

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF 2 ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE IN LOVE?

- Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if he's in love. - (John, 9)

- Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will get cold. Other people care more about the food. - (Dave, 8)

- It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts are... on fire. - (Christine, 9)

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

- The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers at least once a day. - (Michelle, 9)

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS

- You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get the best of you. - (Doug, 7)

- It might help to watch soap operas all day. - (Carin, 9)

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?

- It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over you. That's why I stopped doing it. - (Jean, 10)

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE

- Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work. - (Tom, 7)

- Don't forget your wife's name. That will mess up the love. - (Roger, 8)

- Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you never take out the trash. - (Randy, 8)

Top Twenty Countdown of the Best Oxymorons...

20. Found missing
21. Resident alien
22. Airline food
23. Same difference
24. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
26. Alone together
27. Business ethics
28. Sweet sorrow
29. Military intelligence
30. Plastic glasses
31. Terribly pleased
32. Definite Maybe
33. Pretty Ugly
34. Computer Security
35. Political science
36. Diet ice cream
37. Working vacation
38. Exact estimate
39. Microsoft Works

During a service at an old synagogue in Eastern Europe, when the Shema prayer was said, half the congregants stood up and half remained sitting. The half that was seated started yelling at those standing to sit down, and the ones standing yelled at the ones sitting to stand up...

The rabbi, learned as he was in the Law and commentaries, didn't know what to do. His congregation suggested that he consult a housebound 98-year old man, who was one of the original founders of their temple. The rabbi hoped the elderly man would be able to tell him what the actual temple tradition was, so he went to the nursing home with a representative of each faction of the congregation.

The one whose followers stood during Shema said to the old man:

- Is the tradition to stand during this prayer?

The old man answered:

- No, that is not the tradition.

The one whose followers sat asked:

- Is the tradition to sit during Shema?

The old man answered:

- No, that is not the tradition.

Then the rabbi said to the old man:

- The congregants fight all the time, yelling at each other about whether they should sit or stand...

The old man interrupted, exclaiming:

- THAT is our tradition!

- Knock Knock

- Who's there?

- Interupting Cow

- Interupt.... MOO!!

If Atheists don't belive in God......can they get insured for an act of god?

"Living on Earth may be expensive, but it includes an annual free trip around the Sun!"