As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him:
- Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!
- Hell - said Herman.
- It's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!
A man was in court charged with parking his car in a restricted area. The judge asked if he had anything to say in his defense. "They shouldn't put up such misleading notices," said the man. "It said FINE FOR PARKING HERE."
A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels' bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress:
- Humph, not much of a man, was he?
The waitress replied:
- Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles.
When Abraham Liebowitz gets to school he discovers that he is the only Jewish kid in the class. But it's a decent town and nobody really bothers him.
One day the teacher asks the class:
- Who was the greatest person who ever lived? and why?
And to make it interesting she held a twenty dollar bill in the air and said:
- whoever gives the best answer will get this twenty dollars.
All of the kids called out their guesses.
One said:
- George Washington - because he was the father of our country.
- That's excellent - said the teacher.
Another said:
- Abraham Lincoln - because he freed the slaves.
- That's also good - said the teacher, reluctant to bestow an excellent, but still being polite.
One little girl said:
- Joan of Arc - because she saved France.
Another excellent choice said the teacher.
Then Abraham Liebowitz, raised his hand.
So the teacher called on him:
- Abraham, who do you think was the greatest person who ever lived, and why?
And Abraham said:
- Jesus Christ.
The teacher was shocked.
- Abraham - she said:
- I'm very surprised. Class, I think we can all agree that Abraham should get the twenty dollars.
And she handed Abraham Liebowitz the money.
At recess, the teacher was still very impressed. So she asked Abraham why he said Jesus.
Abraham said:
- Look, personally I think Moses was the greatest person who ever lived, but... business is business!
Several weeks after a young man had been hired, he was called into the personnel director's office.
- What is the meaning of this? - the director asked.
- When you applied for this job, you told us you had five years experience. Now we discovered this is the first job you've ever held.
- Well - the young man replied.
- in your advertisement you said you wanted somebody with imagination.
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces his altitude and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:
- Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?
The man below says:
- Yes, you're in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.
- You must work in Technical Support - says the balloonist.
- I do - replies the man.
- How did you know?
- Well - says the balloonist.
- everything you have told me is technically correct, but completely useless.
The man below says:
- You must be in management.
- I am - replies the balloonist.
- but how did you know?
- Well - says the man.
- you don't know where you are, or where you're going, but you expect me to be able to help. You're still in the same position you were before we met, but now it's my fault.
These two construction workers always noticed that their boss always left early on Fridays. So one asked the other that if the boss left early next Friday if he would want to also. The other man agreed. Sure enough, when Friday came, the boss left early. Therefore, the two men left also. The one offered the other to join him down at the bar, but he decided to just head on home. When he arrived home, he heard a noise from up stairs.
When he reached the top of the stairs, he noticed that the noise was coming from the bedroom. He opened the door and saw his boss sleeping with his wife, so he quietly closed the door and headed back down the stairs and out the front door. He made his way down to the bar to see if his friend was still there and he was. His friend asked:
- I thought you were headed home?
The man replied:
- I did, but this is the last time I ever leave work early again.
His friend asked:
- Why's that?
The man replied:
- I almost got caught by the boss.
What does a cannibal eat with cheese?
→ Pickled organs.
When do cannibals cook you?
→ On Fried-days.
Why was the cannibal expelled from school?
→ Because he kept buttering up the teacher.
