Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

"Okay," said the wife, "I'll admit I like to spend money, but it's the only extravagance I have!"

Wouldn't it be great if men were made by Kodak!

• They would automatically shut off when they weren't being used.
• You wouldn't have to wait for them to recharge after each shot.
• They last longer and come with a warranty.
• You can try them out first for a two-week trial period and return them if not satisfied with no risks or hassle.
• They exist to capture the moment, not ruin it.
• They come in fashion colors.
• You can keep them in maximum zoom.
• They come with replaceable or adjustable parts.
• The parts that count are portable.
• They don't mind over-exposure.
• They respond to the slightest touch.
• The one you want is available at a KMART near you

One guy was on duty in the main lab on a quiet afternoon. He noticed a young woman sitting in front of one of the workstations with her arms crossed across her chest and staring at the screen.

After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in the same position only now she was impatiently tapping her foot.

He asked if she needed help and she replied, It's about time! I pushed the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!

How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
→ None, they just sit there in the dark and bitch.

Why is a modem better than a woman?
→ A modem doesn't mind if you talk to other modems. A modem doesn't complain if you sit and play at the computer all night. A modem will sit patiently and wait by the phone. A modem comes with an instruction manual.

This lady went to a tattoo artist and told him she wanted a turkey tattooed on the upper most inner side of her left thigh. He had seen weirder so he didn't think too much about it.

Then she wanted a Santa tattooed on the upper most inner side of her right thigh. After he finished the last tattoo, he just couldn't help asking her, "Why the turkey and Santa?"

She replied, "I'm tired of my husband complaining that there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!!!"

What women would do if they had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. Repeat number 9......

What do you call 13 witches in a hot tub?
→ A self cleaning coven!

Why can't girls play hockey?
→ Because they have to change their pads every period!

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said, "I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke."

The second woman said, "My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps."

The third woman was silent until she was asked, "Tell us about your husband." She thought for a moment and said, "My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler."

"How so?"

"He's got his time down to under 40 seconds."