Women Jokes — most viewed jokes

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said:

- I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.

The second woman said:

- My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.

The third woman was silent until she was asked:

- Tell us about your husband.

She thought for a moment and said:

- My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.

- How so?

- He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
→ A woman that won't do what she's told.

What happens if a woman puts her panties on backwards?
→ She gets her ass chewed out.

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -
Mick Jagger Barbie ...

Mick with Barbie's head...but Mick's lips

Instructions for the guys:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Insert Card
3. Enter PIN
4. Take cash, card and receipt
5. Drive away

Instructions for the Gals:

1. Pull up to ATM
2. Back up and pull forward to get closer
3. Shut off engine
4. Put keys in purse
5. Get out of car because you're too far from machine
6. Hunt for card in purse
7. Insert card
8. Hunt in purse for grocery receipt with PIN written on it
9. Enter PIN
10. Study instructions
11. Hit "CANCEL"
12. Re-enter correct PIN
13. Check balance
14. Look for envelope
15. Look in purse for pen
16. Make out deposit slip
17. Endorse checks
18. Make deposit
19. Study instructions
20. Make cash withdrawal
21. Get in car
22. Check makeup
23. Look for keys
24. Start car
25. Check makeup
26. Start pulling away
27. Stop
28. Back up to machine
29. Get out of car
30. Take card and receipt
31. Get back in car
32. Put card in wallet
33. Put receipt in checkbook
34. Enter deposits and withdrawals in checkbook
35. Clear area in purse for wallet and checkbook
36. Check makeup
37. Put car in reverse
38. Put car in drive
39. Drive away from machine
40. Drive 3 miles
41. Release parking brake

One day, farmer Jones was in town picking up supplies for his farm. He stopped by the hardware store and picked up a bucket and an anvil, then stopped by the livestock dealer to buy a couple of chickens and a goose. Now he had a problem: how to carry all of his purchases home. The livestock dealer said:

- Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket, carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?

- Hey, thanks! - the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking he met a fair young lady with rather large beautiful breasts. She told him she was lost, and asked:

- Can you tell me how to get to 1515 Mockingbird Lane?

The farmer said:

- Well, as a matter of fact, I'm going to visit my brother at 1616 Mockingbird Lane. Let's take a short cut and go down this alley. We'll save half the time to get there.

The fair young lady said:

- How do I know that when we get in to the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull down my skirt and ravish me?

The farmer said:

- I am carrying a bucket, an anvil, 2 chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?

The young lady said:

- Easy silly! Set the goose down, put the bucket over the goose, put the anvil on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the friggen chickens!

There is a new Barbie doll on the market -

Medusa Barbie ...

Barbie with snakes for hair

Why does a woman close her eyes when she's having sex?
→ Because no woman ever wants to see a man enjoying himself!

Note: This is an extract of a National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster, and US Army General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military installation.

- INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

- GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and shooting.

- INTERVIEWER: Shooting! that's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

- INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

- GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how, ....we will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

- INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

- GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Thoughts From Women About Being A Woman

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. (Helen Hayes, at 73)

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrow. (Janette Barber)

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse. (Lily Tomlin)

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car. (Carrie Snow)

Old age ain't no place for sissies. (Bette Davis)

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning. (Catherine Aird)

A man's got to do what a man's got to do. A woman must do what he can't. (Rhonda Hansome)

The phrase "working mother" is redundant. (Jane Sellman)

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult. (Charlotte Whitton)

Thirty-five is when you finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart. (Caryn Leschen)

Whoever thought up the word "Mammogram"? Every time I hear it, I think I'm supposed to put my breast in an envelope and send it to someone. (Jan King)

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once. (Jennifer Unlimited)

When I was young, I was put in a school for retarded kids for two years before they realized I actually had a hearing loss. And they called ME slow! (Kathy Buckley)

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb and I'm also not blonde. (Dolly Parton)

You see a lot of smart guys with dumb women, but you hardly ever see a smart woman with a dumb guy. (Erica Jong)

If high heels were so wonderful, men would still be wearing them. (Sue Grafton)

Laugh and the world laughs with you. Cry and you cry with your girlfriends. (Laurie Kuslansky)

I think - therefore I'm single. (Lizz Winstead)

You know the hardest thing about having cerebral palsy and being a woman? It's plucking your eyebrows. That's how I originally got pierced ears. (Geri Jewell)

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping. Men invade another country. (Elayne Boosler)

Behind every successful man is a surprised woman. (Maryon Pearson)

In politics, if you want anything said, ask a man - if you want anything done, ask a woman. (Margaret Thatcher)

I have yet to hear a man ask for advice on how to combine marriage and a career. (Gloria Steinem)

I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home who answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon, and a cat that comes home late every night. (Marie Corelli)

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck? (Linda Ellerbee)

Nobody can make you feel inferior without your permission. (Eleanor Roosevelt)